WOMEN :: HARDWORK…THEY WEREN’T LYING
“Relationships are hard work. For years I had heard that expression, but in my youthful wisdom I never believed it. I thought that if I found the right woman, love would flow out of me….
“Relationships are hard work. For years I had heard that expression, but in my youthful wisdom I never believed it. I thought that if I found the right woman, love would flow out of me effortlessly and unceasing. I thought I would find something that these people had never experienced. But the more experience I have in dating, the more I realize that there is wisdom in that advice.
I have discovered that love is a little bit like a mirror”it shows you who you really are. The more I began to see more of my own issues and idiosyncrasies, usually in the context of relationship drama or dissolution, I began to wonder if there were others like me who just couldn’t seem to figure relationships out. I wondered if anyone else had experiences like mine and had been affected by them in a way that made it difficult to have satisfying and enduring love relationships. My love life has never quite looked like a romantic movie, except maybe for the first 15 minutes.
I have found that loving is not an easy task. It’s a lot like my walk with God: the more I attempt to have a mature relationship, the more I see my own selfishness and immaturity. But I have learned from my experiences, as well as those of many others, and have begun to see what real love looks like. If you want to really love your wife or girlfriend, I think I can offer some Biblically-sound advice. But I warn you “truly loving someone is not for the faint of heart. So if it’s an easy relationship you are looking for, turn back now!
Be Real!: Unrealistic or fanciful expectations will lead to major disappointment. Everyone longs for excitement and romance “that’s what makes the beginning of a relationship so enjoyable. But the other person is not perfect, and they can’t “make you happy. Excitement and romance may ebb and flow, yet there are always mundane and repetitive aspects of love, even in the best relationships. She isn’t one of the guys, and she will probably want things to be a lot different than they are now. And you will never be able to make her feel loved once and for all in a single act. Having realistic expectations frees us up to enjoy the relationship rather than holding ourselves or others to unrealistic ideals.
Speak Up!: Communicate, communicate, communicate! I grew up in two homes that understood communication differently. It was either loud arguing or silence and avoidance. I am only now realizing how important it is to communicate. And that involves nearly every subject: what do I like, and what do I not like; when and why am I frustrated and disappointed, or ecstatic and overjoyed; when do I feel loved, and when do I feel like I am being ignored or disrespected. Good relationships are a mutual agreement to care for the other person and work for their, and the common good, so it is vitally important to communicate to the other person when they are and are not meeting your needs. A caring conversation expressing needs and wants can do wonders for a relationship.
Fear Not!: Everyone has been hurt emotionally in the past. Sometimes these experiences end up changing the way that we see people and relationships, and we become distrustful or fearing. But if these fears are not resolved, they can be disastrous to a relationship. For the person on the other end, the insecurities that they were happy at one time to reassure can become a difficult burden. Reasonably looking at the other person and judging their trustworthiness on the basis of their own actions, rather than by past experiences, can be the key to unlocking fear. If they have lived in a way that gives you no evidence they might hurt you, then your fear is irrational. There is always a risk when you open your heart to love, but that comes with the territory. If the person gives you a reason to distrust them, then that is an issue that must be dealt with on its own.
Stop It!: Sometimes we just need to admit we are wrong and work at change. We all have personality issues that can bring us into conflict with other people or cause us to avoid it. An attitude of “That’s just me��”deal with it, or a fear to grow, can leave the other person feeling distant and hurt. If you love the other person, you will give up your selfishness. That’s one of the main points of I Corinthians 13. It’s all right to look out for yourself, but not only for yourself. If you have outbursts of anger, learn to control it. If you don’t help with the chores or kids, then start doing it. Growing in love means being willing to change bad habits for the sake of the relationship.
Give It Up!: Unforgiveness is poison for relationships. If you are holding on to things from the past that should have been already dealt with, you are building up a wall between you and your love. If both of you are Christians, you know that Christ has already paid for their sins, and that your perfect Father knows how to nurture the other person. If they are not a Christian, then treat them with the forgiveness Christ gave you. Releasing your anger and bitterness allows you to actually love them again.
Trust God!: Ultimately, there is no checklist for a good relationship. You are dealing with another person, not a “to-do list, and that takes humility. If you are not trusting God to give you the daily grace to love your significant other, then you will surely fail. If any of you lack wisdom, including how to love the person who sometimes completely confuses you, let him ask of God, who longs to help you love like Him.
Learning to consider the other person first is often a difficult process. You won’t be able to do it perfectly, and there will be many stumblings along the way. But your wife or girlfriend will love you more for your courage to grow, and because of it your relationship will be stronger.
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