Editor’s Note: This article is apart of content that was published from 2005-2010 under the direction of Jason Wenell. In March 2012 Darrell and Allison Vesterfelt became the new owners of Prodigal Magazine. Check out the new vision and direction of the publication.
WOMEN :: 9 TIPS FOR DOING RELATIONSHIPS
haven’t dated much; to be honest I’ve hardly dated at all. But it’s not for lack of trying. The good Lord knows how many times I prayed in middle school, asking for the chance to accompany this or that girl to pizza and a movie
I haven’t dated much; to be honest I’ve hardly dated at all. But it’s not for lack of trying. The good Lord knows how many times I prayed in middle school, asking for the chance to accompany this or that girl to pizza and a movie. I don’t know if the big guy upstairs was busy or if the line was disconnected but the sad reality is that the majority of the dates I had during high school were in my grandmother’s special sticky-date cake ever Christmas.
Let me illustrate. In eighth grade I was the glasses-wearing, chubby-bellied, brainy kid in a ninth grade math class (which already identifies me as a nerd and major chick repellent in most eyes). My only lucky break was that I was sitting behind a girl I considered to be one of the finest things I had ever laid eyes on. At the time I felt being placed in that class, and being assigned to that chair, was one of the best things in my life.
All day long I would look forward to going to math. I especially looked forward to the times she would turn in her chair and ask me to explain what we were learning. After the first trimester everything was going well. So well in fact that I starting dreaming I maybe had a shot with this girl for something beyond a tutoring relationship. Then one day, unexpectedly, all my dreams of love came crashing down when my dream girl turned around in her chair and said loudly, “Stop chewing your gum like a cow!”
Crash and burn was the theme of my high school dating experiences. And my hunch is that I am not alone. More often than not people experience frustration and failure in their attempts to find the perfect mate. Dating, rather than leading to marital bliss, normally leaves many men and women feeling dissed.
So, how can we avoid the pain, suffering and disappointment that we often associate with dating? I purpose that instead of dating in the self-serving, self-satisfying, spouse-seeking way of the world, that Christ-loving men and women embrace a new paradigm for doing relationships where people seek to bless one another and to become the type of people who are ready to make a marriage commitment, should God lead them in that direction.
To that end, I offer 9 Tips for Doing Relationships God’s Way.
1. Get Right with God
It all starts and ends here. All of our relationships need to be based first on the foundation of a growing relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus alone must be our first and greatest love, high above all others. If a person is not pursing Jesus and the life he invites us to, then they shouldn’t be pursing anyone else either. 2,000 years ago a man approached Jesus and asked him what the most important thing in life. Jesus answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your hearts soul mind and strength.” He then added, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Before we can begin to authentically love others we have to love God.
2. Focus on Friendship First
Lasting relationships begin as great friendships. Friendship provides the context for getting to know another person at their core, without all of the pretense and pretending that can take place in an exclusive dating relationship. Friendship provides the soil for planting the seeds for a relationship that will be based on the entirety of a person rather that the manufactured impression they give off during a date.
Dating relationships should flow naturally out of friendships as you find a woman or man who has a heart and mind like your own. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” The yoke is a farmer’s tool for pairing up animals as they work. It is used to unite the animals, making the two stronger and more productive than they would have been alone. Friendships, formed around like interests and passions, assist you in finding the kind of person who would be a joy and not a burned to be yoked with for the rest of your life.
3. Be Satisfied with Singleness
In 1 Corinthians 7:7 the Apostle Paul writes, “I wish that all were as I myself am.” And what was Paul? He was single, free to follow the call of God anywhere, anytime. When you commit to exclusive dating relationships before you are ready for a long term commitment, you end up sacrificing the freedom of your singleness prematurely. The sad fact is that in sacrificing the freedom of singleness you are setting yourself up to miss out on many things. However, when you get right with God and focus on friendship you remain free to pursue your passions and the call of God wherever it may lead you without the pain or guilt that people in relationships often feel when they are desiring a change.
4. Go in a Group
Group activities can provide many meaningful opportunities to get to know another person and build a friendship. Groups can also provide the context for establishing friendships with people who have similar passions and interests as you (see Tip #2). Church small groups, community classes, sports and other group settings enable you to met people with whom you have a natural affinity. An added bonus of group activities is there is no need to put on an act when you are in a group; friendships can grow in a casual, unforced atmosphere where people can simply be themselves. It is this kind of authenticity that provides a foundation for a more formal relationship to develop as time progresses.
5. Only Be Close in a Crowd
6. Purity is a Prerequisite
7. Ask for Accountability
8. Be Mindful of Your Motives
9. Be Cautious with Your Commitments
