The Bible says in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “…give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” It does not say be thankful in all good and comfortable circumstances. If we apply this to our marriages then it means be thankful for our wives at all times. Are you thankful for your wife when she is sick? … When she is unattractive? …when she is depressed? … When she is disabled? …When she is struggling with mental illness? …When she does not want you to touch her? …When she is struggling with her weight?

I heard a story about an awful auto accident that left a young wife very disabled. While she was still in the hospital rehab she received divorce papers from her husband. His only explanation was that “he did not marry her for this.” It’s easy to get angry at this selfish punk but have we ever lapsed into self-pity just because the house needs cleaning.

Think of the worst day in your married life and asked yourself if you expressed thanks in the middle of that dark moment. Did you complain? Do you blame? Do you get mad at God and ask him how He could hate you so much? Thankfulness is truly real when expressed in the debts of pain and trail.

I believe that the spiritual discipline of thankfulness is rooted in a holy belief that circumstances do not dictate God’s blessing. We live in a day of very shallow faith. We ask God to bless us with things and whine when he does not pay our credit card bill.

1 Timothy 6:6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”

She is God’s gift and all of His gifts are very good. However, she is not God’s gift to make you happy or comfortable. In this modern age “materialism” is one of the great enemies of marriage. It causes couples to buy homes way beyond their means or to get into debt instead of waiting for God to provide. It also causes men to view their wives in a dehumanizing “value” context. I love her because she makes me happy, she cleans the house, she cooks great and I’m attracted to her. The suffocating weight of this type of entitlement love has destroyed many marriages. Selfishness is the soul cancer that kills love with criticism, disapproval and condemnation, when a man’s shallow expectations of his wife are not fulfilled.

We need to see our wife as God’s child. We need to love her with a holy love that accepts her as God made her. Selfishness is the enemy of genuine love and wise is the man that hates every hint of his selfish core.

“In 1636, amid the darkness of the Thirty Years’ War, a German pastor, Martin Rinkart, is said to have buried five thousand of his parishioners in one year, an average of fifteen a day. His parish was ravaged by war, death, and economic disaster. In the heart of that darkness, with the cries of fear outside his window, he sat down and wrote this table grace for his children:

“Now thank we all our God
With heart and hands and voices;
Who wondrous things hath done,
In whom his world rejoices.
Who, from our mother’s arms,
Hath led us on our way
With countless gifts of love
And still is ours today.”

Here was a man who knew thanksgiving comes from love of God, not from outward circumstances.”

So are you really thankful for your wife? Is she a gift from God? Do you praise God for her strengths and express equal thankfulness for her weaknesses? Is your contentment with her based on circumstances of a changing life or is there a deep abiding gratitude to God for the special gift God gave you in your wife.

“You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?”- Benjamin Franklin

“He is well paid that is well satisfied.”- William Shakespeare

“Christians can be and ought to be content with the simple necessities of life…First, when you have God near you and for you, you don’t need extra money or extra things to give you peace and security…God is always better than gold…Second, we can be content with the simplicity because the deepest, most satisfying delights God gives us through creation are free gifts from nature and from loving relationships with people. After your basic needs are met, accumulated money begins to diminish your capacity for these pleasures rather than increase them. Buying things contributes absolutely nothing to the heart’s capacity for joy…Third, we should be content with the simple necessities of life because we could invest the extra we make for what really counts (God’s kingdom) —John Piper from Desiring God, 1996, P. 102-103, Used by Permission,

    ”Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence” – H. L. Mencken
 
    “Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.” – Jean Anouilh
 
    “To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.” – Karen Sunde
 
    “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons and Futurama.)
 
    “I believe love is primarily a choice and only sometimes a feeling. If you want to feel love, choose to love and be patient.” – Real Live Preacher blog (December 16, 2002, reallivepreacher.com)
 
    “Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.” – William Shakespeare [1]
 
 

Obviously, as evidenced by the slew of quotations above, there are many different viewpoints on what exactly love is. In my personal opinion I think each idea holds some valid truth — albeit somewhat convoluted or hidden at times. Some hold a cynical view of love (see the Matt Groening quote), yet others hold a blissful view of it (see the Karen Sunde quote), and I am sure that each had their reasons for saying or writing what they did on the subject. This is all beside the point, however. The motive for such quotes is not what I intend to explore, but rather the subject of their pontification. I want to look at what exactly is love.
 
According to the American Heritage dictionary, love is defined as the following:
 
  

  Love, (n.); A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. [2]

 
 From the vantage point of an English professor, this is a good definition for the word “love”. However, I believe the editors of the dictionary have missed the true heart of love. John 15:13 says:
 

    Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. [3]
 

 
From this we see our definitions are at odds with one another, each offering a seemingly valid point of view — but which is the correct one? Can love be just a feeling of kinship or brotherhood, or is it something deeper, something that would drive a man to die — giving up the most precious thing a man can possess, his life — for someone else? How many people do you know would die for a feeling or affection? Could it be that love is not merely a feeling, but an action — a choice — as well? The answer is a resounding “yes”. Love cannot merely be a feeling and still be the cause for all of the successful marriages and whole families. Feelings are transient. Emotion is fleeting. Like plastic, when a relationship built upon nothing but emotion and feeling is put through the fire of adversity, it melts away leaving the empty core of a foundation that never really was. This is the cause of so many families falling apart, marriages failing, and moral shortcomings in the world. Our culture and our media is so fundamentally grounded on the idea that love is a feeling and it is eating away at the core of what family and marriage should be based upon: choices. It’s the Brad Pitts and the Britney Spears and the Alec Baldwin’s and the Madonna’s of the world that promote and pervade their doctrine of “love is a feeling” not by what they say but how they do.
 
Lets talk about Britney for a minute. William Penn once wrote the words, “Never marry but for love; but see that thou lovest what is lovely. [4]” I think we can all honestly say that Britney Spears’ first marriage — which lasted a whopping 55 hours [5] — was not founded on love. Call me judgmental or insensitive, but the facts speak for themselves. Love would never marry and then annul the marriage a little over two days later because, and I quote, she [Ms. Spears]:
 

    …lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to marriage because before entering into the marriage the Plaintiff and Defendant did not know each others’ likes and dislikes, each others’ desires to have or not have children, and each other’s desires as to State of residency. [6]
 

How can we call this love? I think the better question is how is any of this anything but insanity? Take a moment to imagine what kind of message this has sent to the public. Could it possibly be something along the lines of, “its alright to start and end relationships based on how you’re feeling at the time”? Oh, God, I hope not — but my hopes on this issue are most likely unfulfilled. This is not love. This is how we show our children what is right and wrong: by letting them look at the idols of today and by letting our children emulate those role models. Regardless if these very public figures want to be or like being role models, they are heroes to the youth of today. The example they set, either intentionally or unintentionally, is followed by teens and children all around the world. But that is not to place all of the blame on them. We as peers and parents have failed them as well. We have been silent on what is right and wrong, what is love and not.
 
So let us show them love.
 
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is unselfish. Love does not keep track of wrongs. Love is forgiving. Love is good. Love is faithful. Love is appropriate. Love is peaceful. Love is self-controlling. Love is discipline. Love is pain when pain is necessary. Love is kindness. Love is giving. Love is charity.
 
The previous statements are paraphrased or adapted from various places in throughout the Bible, including 1 Corinthians 13 and the fruits of the spirit. All of them are connected in a way. If you look closely, you can find it. Each statement has an implied choice associated with it. Patience is a choice, the choice to wait. Kindness is a choice, the choice to care. Unselfishness is a choice, the choice to put others first. Can you see the pattern developing? Love is not the result of an uncontrollable emotion; or rather, infatuation. Love is a conscious, deliberate attempt to invest in a person: to intentionally impact their life with goodness, mercy, kindness and charity.
 
So how does this translate into “romantic” love? Very simply, actually. “Romantic” love is simply regular phileo (or brotherly) love in combination with the emotion and an intellectual and spiritual bond between the two people. I know, I know; it sounds cold and scientific, but in reality it is a full, fulfilling, overarching and ethereal love. Emotion without connection and action is empty. Such also is connection without action and emotion and vice-versa. When we connect with a person on a intellectual level (or, “like” in the language of today’s youth), we want to show them we “like” them and are interested in getting to know them better (develop the spiritual bond). We do things to show them we care — buy flowers, stay up all night studying with them for their big exam the next day, go out for coffee, write cutesy little notes with dumb poems in them, or whatever it is people do these days. Some of these actions are just nice, like buying flowers and writing little notes, and tend to make people happy. But it is the self-sacrifice of staying up all night studying, or encouraging them when they seem down, or forgive and forget when they offend, and even draw boundaries when necessary. It is these actions that say “I love you” the loudest, much louder than any words could ever be spoken. What you will find is out of this self-sacrifice and elevation of someone else over yourself is the emotion starts to make a re-entry into your life. You find you don’t want to live without the other person, that you want to spend every day of your life with them, and everything else the emotion, the feeling, tells you. But this is different. This is no longer emotion gone wild but rather it is emotion under control. It is emotion with a brain.
 
The heart of real, true love can be summed up in the lines of two songs:
 
“Love is a verb.” – “Luv Is A Verb”, Free At Last, dc Talk; 1992
 
“I would give much more than I would ever ask for.” – “The Hamburg Song”, Under The Iron Sea, Keane; 2006
 
 
 
 
———————————————-
[1] – All quotations courtesy of QuotationsPage.com; 2008
[2] – The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition; Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
[3] – John 15:13, King James Version; 1611
[4] – Courtesy of QuotationsPage.com; 2008
[5] – Associated Press, “Judge Dissolves Britney’s ‘Joke’ Wedding”; Jan 6, 2004 (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3869708/)
[6] – The Smoking Gun, “Las Vegas Judge Grants Spears’ Annulment Request”; Jan 5, 2004 (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/britneyannul1.html)

Wise man say, wise man say
Wise man say
You’ll never figure out real love
Never figure out real love
You’ll never figure out real love
It’s so crazy, crazy crazy
I got everything figured out
But for some reason I can never find what real love is about
No doubt
Everything in the world figured out
But I can never seem to find what real love was about
Do you think I sacrifice, real life
For all the fame, and flashing lights
Do you think I sacrifice, a real life
For all the fame, and flashing lights
There is no Gucci I can buy
There is no Louis Vuitton to put on
There is no {?} that they could sell
To get my heart, out of this hell
And my mind, out of this jail
There is no clothes that I could buy
That could turn, back in time
There is no vacation spot I could fly
That could bring back, a piece of real life
Real life, what does it feel like?
I ask you tonight, I ask you tonight
What does it feel like, I ask you tonight
To live a real life
I just wanna be a real boy
They always say “Kanye, he keeps it real boy”
Pinocchio’s story is, I just wanna be a real boy
Pinocchio’s story goes, to be a real boy
It’s funny
Pinocchio, lied, and that’s what kept him from it
I tell the truth, and I keep runnin (runnin)
It’s like I’m lookin for something out there, tryin to find something
I turn on the TV, and see me, and see nothin (nothin)
What does it feel like, to live real life, to be real
Not some put side on TV that no one can really feel
Do you really have the stamina?
For everybody that sees you that say, “Where’s my camera?”
For everybody that sees you, to say sign a autograph
For everybody that sees you cry, and say you oughta laugh
You oughta laugh!
I just wanna be a real boy
Pinocchio’s story goes, I just wanna be a real boy
Pinocchio’s story goes
And there is no Gepetto, to guide me
No one, right beside me
The only one, was behind me
I can’t find her no more, I can’t follow no more
I can’t…
The only one that come out on the tour and stays
Back when I was livin at home and this was all a big dream
And the fame will be get got
And the day I moved to L.A., maybe that was all my fault
All my fault to be a real boy, chasin the American dream
Chasin everything we seen, up on the TV screen
And when uh, the Benz was left, and the clothes was left
And the hoes was left, you talk the hoes to death
Peepin the money to death, you spend the dough to death
And tell me what be left, for a real boy!
They say “Kanye, you keep it too real boy”
Perspective, and wise man say
One day, you’ll find your way
The wise man say, you’ll find your way
The wise man say, you’ll find your way
Wise man say

There is always a slight fear in me when I step into the spontaneous, unknown world of

romance. “Will she like it?” “What if it flops?” “Is it selfish?” “What if we get in bad moods

and ruin it?” “Couldn’t I be more productive with this time?” “Wouldn’t it be better to go

straight to bed, than waste good sleep time?”

Abby is much more detail-oriented than I am. When I come up with an idea, she lovingly

questions how it is really going to function. She takes care of the details of things she owns

quite well, and gets upset when they are not cared for. Abby generally adopts new ideas

much more quickly, if they have been primed beforehand.

But this romantic idea was simple and genius, and I believed it would start a spicy, yearly

Christmas tradition in our home. It would go off without a hitch!

During the Christmas season, the first lights to get turned on in the morning and the last

ones to get turned off at night are on our Christmas tree. The thousand little bulbs provide

such a comfy-soft atmosphere, that they scream romance!

After a full Christmas day of gatherings with both of our families, we finally made it home

by nine or ten at night. We both get energized from quieter times in our life, so events that

require much socializing usually leave us both a bit worn. And it’s no secret that the

offspring of tiredness is typically crabbiness.

So we were both a bit on edge as we pulled our Jeep into its parking spot, and rustled

through the incredible fresh snow to our back door. Usually when we are crabby, we avoid

each other by doing things on our to-do list. Productive… yes…but not effective. We hide

behind busyness to avoid the conflict on hand.

But tonight’s conflict was mild. If ten is burning rage, and one is a passing argument, then

our Christmas day crabbiness was like a two. So she distracted herself in the kitchen doing

dishes, and I thought it was the perfect time for me to begin implementing my suave plan.

I went upstairs and began to shred the sheets from our mattress. Three short months of

marriage had released a small amount of wisdom in how to interact lovingly with her

personality. So, I yelled from upstairs, as I lifted the mattress up off of its frame, “I am

planning something, Abby… Have an open mind!” And for emphasis I repeated, “Have an

open mind, babe,” as I rounded the corner to slide the mattress on edge down the stairs.

The mattress slid easily down the wooden stairs. In my giddy excitement, I would have

ridden the thing like a toboggan-if only our stairwell had been wide enough!

I braced myself for the climax of the surprise, as it would soon be revealed to Abby. With

the mattress still on edge, I tentatively rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs where I

immediately came into direct line of sight of Abby standing at the kitchen sink.

My face was beaming. I was so proud of my idea, and the fact that I was actually

implementing it. Ignoring the crabby, fearful and lazy thoughts, I was really doing it!

Abby’s attention to detail and care for her possessions drew her to speak quick sharp word,

“Are the sheets on that?”

 ”No,” I said and responded quickly hoping to appease her and win her over, “Only the mattress cover!”

“Oh great,” she replied sarcastically, “something even more permanent to get dirty.”

“Calm, David, Calm” I said to myself as I moved the mattress from the hallway to the living

room floor in front of the Christmas tree.

But rage triggered explosively inside me. My mind raced with thoughts. The pain of her

criticism had dug into my core. “She cares more about this *&^(* mattress than about us. I

try to be creative and pursue her; I try to be romantic, and look where it ends up. See if I

ever try anything creative again!”

In a matter of 30 seconds the conflict had jumped from a three to a seven. My kettle was

steaming, so as soon as the mattress hit the floor, I decided to pick it right back up again and

bring it back upstairs to return it to its usual spot. If she cared so much about the mattress,

then from now on it would stay in its nice, safe place in our bedroom. No romantic night

sleeping in front of the Christmas tree for her!

I hoped she would realize how tragic her comments were. I would show her how she had

messed up, and screwed everything up. So, I huffed in child-like stubbornness, hoping my

anger would lead to incredible strength to get the mattress back up the stairs by myself.

I only got halfway up the stairs before I realized that the weight and bulk of the mattress

would prevent me from getting it up the stairs by myself. I would need her help to get the

mattress back up. How annoying to humble myself to ask for her help. I wanted to

“punish” her.

So I relented slightly and asked for her help, but I wouldn’t talk to her anymore. I won’t let

her thaw my icy shoulder. I won’t forgive her for days-or ever. She had to realize how

much she hurt me, and never do something so painful again. She had to learn.

We got it back up the stairs, and I slid it back to our room and then to the frame.

My heart went dormant as rage was now pumping my blood. I hastily made the bed, then

brushed aggressively past Abby, who was standing in the doorway to our room, hoping for

reconciliation. “I will not back down,” I thought. “I am hurt, she has to pay! She owes me. I will

make her pay!”

I did my normal bathroom routine, avoiding the mirror, avoiding the beastly look that must

have been on my face, and climbed into bed. As far as I could get on my side of the bed, I

knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I knew we needed to reconcile. I knew she was ready, but

I felt no strength. My rage overpowered me.

We knew we were on the same team, and that someone else was the enemy, not each other.

We had attended a marriage conference before we were married. At this conference, we had

learned that our sin needed to come up, out, onto the cross. We had learned that the cross

would always be where we could come back together. It was like the fork in the road that

we would both return to when there was conflict. Conflict was always a result of one or

both of us leaving the humble foot of the cross and forgetting the freeing work that was

accomplished there. As a result, a month or two into our marriage, we put a 4′ high cross in

our spare bedroom.

That Christmas night, we had both walked away from truth, pledging allegiance and loyalty

to ourselves, not to Christ.

Abby, was the first to humble herself and return to the cross. She was sobbing there, in thes

spare bedroom on her knees, as I was lying in bed raging, wondering how I long I would

have to be silent to her to even up the score. After ten minutes or more Abby came into our

room and gently asked if I was going to join her at the cross. At first, I didn’t even answer.

She asked me again before I responded,

“Yeah, when I am ready, in a little while” I muttered stiffly.

She went back to our spare bedroom and cried out again, “Jesus, we need you!” And

repeated and sobbed again and again, “Jesus, we need you!”

And I heard His voice in my heart saying, “Forgive as I have forgiven you. I have forgiven

you of so much! How can you hold unforgiveness towards her? Pick up the stupid mattress,

take it back downstairs, and invite your wife to join you. That is the only way this will end.”

I could not humble myself. Stubbornness held me pinned to the bed. I wanted revenge. I

would not move. Yet I knew reconciliation was sweet, not to mention how great forgiveness

is. I knew I wanted my life to write a great story, and that reconciliation is foundational for a

great story. But knowing and acting were not aligning.

Somewhere I must have inhaled a mustard seed, because I received just enough push to get

me out from under the covers. I met Abby in the dark room, on her knees in front of the

greatest symbol of healing and reconciliation, the cross. What was frozen, melted. What was

rage, softened. What was hurt, healed. What was judgment, forgiveness. No magic words,

no persuasion, no manipulation. We shared pure humility as we stared our Maker and

Savior in the face at the foot of the cross where He redeemed us from all our junk.

We had experienced our own resurrection! We were dead, but now alive. And life in

marriage is a powerful thing!

We grabbed the mattress together, with the pad still on it, and drug it down the stairs. We

brought down the sheets, and pillows and made the bed in front of the dimly lit tree. With

redeemed energy we undeservedly came together to experience spirit to spirit intimacy under

the tree.

A beautiful, unexpected Christmas gift that we will cherish and re-cherish for years to come.

“Relationships are hard work. For years I had heard that expression, but in my youthful wisdom I never believed it. I thought that if I found the right woman, love would flow out of me effortlessly and unceasing. I thought I would find something that these people had never experienced. But the more experience I have in dating, the more I realize that there is wisdom in that advice.

I have discovered that love is a little bit like a mirror”it shows you who you really are. The more I began to see more of my own issues and idiosyncrasies, usually in the context of relationship drama or dissolution, I began to wonder if there were others like me who just couldn’t seem to figure relationships out. I wondered if anyone else had experiences like mine and had been affected by them in a way that made it difficult to have satisfying and enduring love relationships. My love life has never quite looked like a romantic movie, except maybe for the first 15 minutes.

I have found that loving is not an easy task. It’s a lot like my walk with God: the more I attempt to have a mature relationship, the more I see my own selfishness and immaturity. But I have learned from my experiences, as well as those of many others, and have begun to see what real love looks like. If you want to really love your wife or girlfriend, I think I can offer some Biblically-sound advice. But I warn you “truly loving someone is not for the faint of heart. So if it’s an easy relationship you are looking for, turn back now!

Be Real!: Unrealistic or fanciful expectations will lead to major disappointment. Everyone longs for excitement and romance “that’s what makes the beginning of a relationship so enjoyable. But the other person is not perfect, and they can’t “make you happy. Excitement and romance may ebb and flow, yet there are always mundane and repetitive aspects of love, even in the best relationships. She isn’t one of the guys, and she will probably want things to be a lot different than they are now. And you will never be able to make her feel loved once and for all in a single act. Having realistic expectations frees us up to enjoy the relationship rather than holding ourselves or others to unrealistic ideals.

Speak Up!: Communicate, communicate, communicate! I grew up in two homes that understood communication differently. It was either loud arguing or silence and avoidance. I am only now realizing how important it is to communicate. And that involves nearly every subject: what do I like, and what do I not like; when and why am I frustrated and disappointed, or ecstatic and overjoyed; when do I feel loved, and when do I feel like I am being ignored or disrespected. Good relationships are a mutual agreement to care for the other person and work for their, and the common good, so it is vitally important to communicate to the other person when they are and are not meeting your needs. A caring conversation expressing needs and wants can do wonders for a relationship.

Fear Not!: Everyone has been hurt emotionally in the past. Sometimes these experiences end up changing the way that we see people and relationships, and we become distrustful or fearing. But if these fears are not resolved, they can be disastrous to a relationship. For the person on the other end, the insecurities that they were happy at one time to reassure can become a difficult burden. Reasonably looking at the other person and judging their trustworthiness on the basis of their own actions, rather than by past experiences, can be the key to unlocking fear. If they have lived in a way that gives you no evidence they might hurt you, then your fear is irrational. There is always a risk when you open your heart to love, but that comes with the territory. If the person gives you a reason to distrust them, then that is an issue that must be dealt with on its own.

Stop It!: Sometimes we just need to admit we are wrong and work at change. We all have personality issues that can bring us into conflict with other people or cause us to avoid it. An attitude of “That’s just me��”deal with it, or a fear to grow, can leave the other person feeling distant and hurt. If you love the other person, you will give up your selfishness. That’s one of the main points of I Corinthians 13. It’s all right to look out for yourself, but not only for yourself. If you have outbursts of anger, learn to control it. If you don’t help with the chores or kids, then start doing it. Growing in love means being willing to change bad habits for the sake of the relationship.

Give It Up!: Unforgiveness is poison for relationships. If you are holding on to things from the past that should have been already dealt with, you are building up a wall between you and your love. If both of you are Christians, you know that Christ has already paid for their sins, and that your perfect Father knows how to nurture the other person. If they are not a Christian, then treat them with the forgiveness Christ gave you. Releasing your anger and bitterness allows you to actually love them again.

Trust God!: Ultimately, there is no checklist for a good relationship. You are dealing with another person, not a “to-do list, and that takes humility. If you are not trusting God to give you the daily grace to love your significant other, then you will surely fail. If any of you lack wisdom, including how to love the person who sometimes completely confuses you, let him ask of God, who longs to help you love like Him.

Learning to consider the other person first is often a difficult process. You won’t be able to do it perfectly, and there will be many stumblings along the way. But your wife or girlfriend will love you more for your courage to grow, and because of it your relationship will be stronger.