I think our basic human nature is naturally negative so we tend to look at the bad things in life instead of the good.  Also, it seems to me, we are conditioned by our society. Bad news makes the headlines–we are literally bombarded with all that is wrong with everything–it tends to develop in us the habit of complaining.

But we should be different. Here’s what the Apostle Paul said,

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.” Philippians 2:14-15

Jesus help us! This tells me we are supposed to live our lives and do our ministries without complaining! Sometimes we ‘whine’ and says things like: “it’s just not fair”, “people don’t really appreciate me”, “I don’t deserve this”, “I shouldn’t have to put up with this or how come the other guy gets all the breaks?”

The truth is, life is unfair and so is ministry but as long as we complain it only makes us more miserable!  This I know; complaining does not work. I have tried it with my wife!  She will just say, “O shut up!” She has a way with words!

Seriously, complaining brought judgment to Israel and it does the same to us today. We miss out on God’s best. If the Scripture says we are to “do everything without complaining…”then perhaps here are some things that may help:

● We have to admit we are guilty. “A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.” Prov. 28:13 LB

If our speech was recorded for a week, what would it reveal about our words? Let’s not spend time griping, grumping, complaining, arguing and saying things like “life/ministry stinks.”

● We have to stop blaming others.  Life and ministry is what we make it—plain and simple.  Of course there are trials and people are unreasonable but we are free to make choices, however, we are never free from the consequences of our choices. They may not be immediate but they will be eventual. [Selah]

● We have to realize God uses difficult times to grow us–if we handle them right. Here goes Paul again, “This small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble. So we fix our attention, not on the things that are seen, but on the things that are unseen. What is seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts forever.” 2 Cor. 4:17-18 GN

-Paul is saying that the good we will get out of our problems will be much more long lasting than the problem.  For me, I have noticed the things I complain about the most are often the very things God knows I need the most in order to become all He wants me to be.  It is a warning light of God.  He is saying, “There is something wrong here.  Stop complaining and start changing!”

At a Discipleship Camp years ago, one of speakers shared the following on the results of complaining?

1. It absolutely poisons the air.
2. Deflates morale. People start feeling uncomfortable with each other.
3. Hinders vision. Cuts off what God is trying to do.
4. Shows a lack of trust/faith.
5. Keep you from God’s best–The Promise Land.

Pretty good stuff! One more from Paul–Philippians 2:14-15 needs to be the complainers Rhema Word! “Do everything without complaining or arguing…” then there are 3 results:

1. “…so that you may become blameless…” — nobody can find fault with you! Nobody can point a finger at you.
2. “…and pure…” — Greek word means ‘having integrity.’ Non-complainers are people of integrity. You cannot trust a complainer—they do not tell the full story—facts are they lie.
3. “…children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.” – you become positive in a negative world! A positive person shine likes a star on a dark night—there are plenty of critical, put-down type people in this ole world—we are to be different.

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess. 5:18 NIV

“…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Phil. 4:11 NIV

Being happy and joyful in spite of circumstance is called maturity.

I’ve noticed that a great deal of most adults end up still being thankful for the recent additions to their toy-chest, an upcoming donation to their name, or how the things they ultimately can’t control going in their favor. Granted, their “toys” are pay-raises, promotions, or the proverbial pat on the back administered by the powers that be. Their “upcoming Christmas season” is better described as an expected change in lifestyle than a hoard of presents under the tinsel clad pine. And their generally pleasant climate has more to do with health in the epidemic and prosperity in the economic ebb.

I don’t mean to say that there is something wrong with appreciating favorable circumstances in our lives; I just think there is something more to be thankful for.

I always used to hear about God reconciling his creation back to Him, and secretly rolled my eyes at the assertion. How can God be reconciling things to Him when things are getting worse? What exactly is God reconciling us to if not a walk off the Southern Col of Everest? I always viewed reconciliation as something blatantly obvious. It had to be a complete one hundred and eighty degree turn-around. The ozone layer has to magically re-appear, cancer cells need to dwindle into oblivion, and my tea doesn’t come out too hot to drink.

However, I am learning that miracles aren’t that simple.

Things were always either strained or disingenuous in my relationship with my father. If I wasn’t feeling excommunicated by his household, I was feeling like a novelty item in his life. A token son, if you will. Though the process was arduous, God’s surgical precision had brought the repair to an apex last spring.

I remember sitting at the table across from my dad ready to deliver the emotionally crushing blow that would justify the pain I had felt over the years by his indifference. I even viewed this experience for him as a cost-benefit analysis: would it be worse for him and suffering for a few hours, or being me and suffering almost all my life? It felt like no matter what I said to him, he was getting off like a bandit.

Fortunately, the God within me wasn’t going to allow that to happen. After a chain of events in our conversation, something larger than myself seemed to be tugging on my persona. God showed me that this time wasn’t about me lowering the boom on my father; it was about both of us experiencing forgiveness. God had shifted my paradigm, and it put the ball back in my court. I had to forgive this man.

Since that talk, the relationship with my dad has changed dramatically. I don’t feel bitterness and “what could have been” towards him. Though I do wish he would show a bit more interest in his life, I am learning to accept the subtle ways he does show care. I always used to think I couldn’t love him before I forgave him; but I have learned that in order to forgive him, I needed to love him. I won’t say I don’t have flickers of anger towards him at times, but I know more today than I did yesterday, and I trust that this process will continue.

God is slowly reconciling me to my father, which in effect will allow me to bring them both honor. I will be able to honor my father in loving him, and God will be brought honor in that I will be slightly more aligned with His vision for my family. Basically, God has been slowly converging my relationship with my dad to the relationship He and I should’ve had from the beginning. Ultimately, God seems to be slowly guiding our characters toward bringing His world back to Him.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the type of stuff people talk about over turkey. It’s not that people aren’t thankful for these processes, which take place in their spirits; some people just aren’t even looking for them. I always catch myself gauging the goodness of something in my life based on my preference. I’m not thankful for the stuff I don’t like, or the projects that don’t seem finished, but I am eternally grateful for health and wealth.

Miracles aren’t easy. They are a process that God takes His time in orchestrating to completion. Though thanksgiving (and more notably, black Friday) has passed, there still needs to be some open dialogue between God and us. Not so much to see the things He is grinding out in lives, but that we trust His involvement regardless of the outcome and how it measures up to what we desire.

God is at work, and He takes his time.

I wish I could be more thankful of that than the weather.

I’ll never forget the smell of that room, the strain and pain I felt some mornings after hard work-outs, and the mental effort it took to keep pushing the bar up day after day.  In the end I didn’t reach my goal of benching 225 lbs, (it wasn’t until later in the summer that I finally broke the barrier) but during those months I learned some invaluable lessons about working hard when you don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs.  Oh yeah, and I got a little more attention from the ladies that summer as well.

The Marriage Muscle Recently my wife and I were talking with a newly married couple about the challenge of developing and maintaining a strong marriage.  Six years into it, Stephanie and I have faced our share of ups and downs, and after sharing our marital story with our friends we all came to the conclusion that a marriage is a lot like a muscle.  If you want your marriage to grow and be strong you have to exercise it often.  If you don’t exercise your marriage muscle it will shrink, weaken, and eventually, with enough misuse or maltreatment, begin to breakdown.

So how do you exercise your marriage muscle?  Here’s 5 exercises you should incorporate into you marriage work-out.  Some of the exercises are easier than others, but if done consistently, all of them will help you sculpt and tone your marriage muscle into something that will remain healthy and strong for a long time.

#1 – Go on a date

Dating is the exercise that gets the marriage muscle growing in the first place, so it is befuddling that couples stop dating once they get married.  All the laughs and random time spent together morphs into routine TV watching and nights spent on the computer or out, separately, with old friends.  This is not a good idea.  It is similar to someone who is training for a marathon and then abruptly stops doing regular distance building runs 12 weeks before the race.  Dating is a simple exercise that keeps your marriage muscle in building mode and sets the foundation for more challenging exercises later.

#2 – Leave random notes, text messages and e-mails

Possibly the easiest way to exercise you marriage muscle is to tell your spouse you’re thinking of them during the day.  Technology is great for this.  Every so often fire off an email or a text message that says, “You’re beautiful” “Thinking of you today” or “Can’t wait to see you tonight.”  There are many ways to do this exercise.  Pack your spouses lunch and leave a not in the bag.  Write something in the snow on their windshield when you leave for work in the morning.  Write something sweet on a post-it note and stick it to the fridge or bathroom mirror.  Lay that special piece of clothing out on the bedroom floor with the words “Hurry home” next to it.  Whatever you do, it will mean a lot to your spouse to know that you took a moment out of your day to express how you feel.

#3 – Understand and appreciate your differences

This is not a new fact, but one worth repeating over and over again, “No two people are alike.”  Period.  And you wouldn’t want to be married to someone just like you anyway because, let’s be honest, you are one jacked up individual.  But even with that being said, thousands of marriage muscles shrivel and die because spouses attempt to create a clone of themselves in their covenant partner.  A better idea, a way to build the marriage muscle into something powerful, is to exercise it by understanding and appreciating the unique set of traits, talents, and trials each person brings to the relationship.  Then your marriage can flourish as you learn to capitalize on those differences for good.

#4 – Be physically intimate regularly

While this exercise is often more important to the marriage muscle of men than women, it shouldn’t be thought in only those terms.  Being physically intimate regularly is extremely important for developing a healthy marriage muscle.  Part of the design of marriage is that men and women would experience physical oneness with one another.  Physically exercising your bodies together is a profoundly critical activity for maximizing the well-being of the marital muscle as a whole.  When this exercise is neglected or not-valued by one spouse or the other, there will be inevitable damage done to marriage muscle.

#5 – Spend time talking with each other

If the previous exercise is often overlooked by one sex in the marriage, this exercise is likely overlooked by the other.  Just as exercising the marriage muscle involves physical exercise, it also involves an equal amount of emotional exercise.  Simply put, when the marriage muscle is not exercised by conversation and emotional intimacy, it will begin to breakdown.  Marriage muscles are stimulated to wellness through sharing and tenderness at an emotional level.  Prolonged introversion and a failure to share with one another is to the marriage muscle, what a 2 bags of Doritos and a case of beer is to your abs – not friendly!

From the Weight Room to the Living RoomThose lessons learned years ago in a small stinky high school weight room continue to serve me well.  The muscle I developed as a weight lifter has regressed some, but that doesn’t matter.  I don’t need it to get the attention of anymore girls.  I married the perfect one and I’m done worrying about how much I can bench.  Now I’m focused on working hard when I don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs, to build my marriage muscle for the next 60 years.  My pecs will be long gone by then, but with my bride at my side, it won’t matter.

“Relationships are hard work. For years I had heard that expression, but in my youthful wisdom I never believed it. I thought that if I found the right woman, love would flow out of me effortlessly and unceasing. I thought I would find something that these people had never experienced. But the more experience I have in dating, the more I realize that there is wisdom in that advice.

I have discovered that love is a little bit like a mirror”it shows you who you really are. The more I began to see more of my own issues and idiosyncrasies, usually in the context of relationship drama or dissolution, I began to wonder if there were others like me who just couldn’t seem to figure relationships out. I wondered if anyone else had experiences like mine and had been affected by them in a way that made it difficult to have satisfying and enduring love relationships. My love life has never quite looked like a romantic movie, except maybe for the first 15 minutes.

I have found that loving is not an easy task. It’s a lot like my walk with God: the more I attempt to have a mature relationship, the more I see my own selfishness and immaturity. But I have learned from my experiences, as well as those of many others, and have begun to see what real love looks like. If you want to really love your wife or girlfriend, I think I can offer some Biblically-sound advice. But I warn you “truly loving someone is not for the faint of heart. So if it’s an easy relationship you are looking for, turn back now!

Be Real!: Unrealistic or fanciful expectations will lead to major disappointment. Everyone longs for excitement and romance “that’s what makes the beginning of a relationship so enjoyable. But the other person is not perfect, and they can’t “make you happy. Excitement and romance may ebb and flow, yet there are always mundane and repetitive aspects of love, even in the best relationships. She isn’t one of the guys, and she will probably want things to be a lot different than they are now. And you will never be able to make her feel loved once and for all in a single act. Having realistic expectations frees us up to enjoy the relationship rather than holding ourselves or others to unrealistic ideals.

Speak Up!: Communicate, communicate, communicate! I grew up in two homes that understood communication differently. It was either loud arguing or silence and avoidance. I am only now realizing how important it is to communicate. And that involves nearly every subject: what do I like, and what do I not like; when and why am I frustrated and disappointed, or ecstatic and overjoyed; when do I feel loved, and when do I feel like I am being ignored or disrespected. Good relationships are a mutual agreement to care for the other person and work for their, and the common good, so it is vitally important to communicate to the other person when they are and are not meeting your needs. A caring conversation expressing needs and wants can do wonders for a relationship.

Fear Not!: Everyone has been hurt emotionally in the past. Sometimes these experiences end up changing the way that we see people and relationships, and we become distrustful or fearing. But if these fears are not resolved, they can be disastrous to a relationship. For the person on the other end, the insecurities that they were happy at one time to reassure can become a difficult burden. Reasonably looking at the other person and judging their trustworthiness on the basis of their own actions, rather than by past experiences, can be the key to unlocking fear. If they have lived in a way that gives you no evidence they might hurt you, then your fear is irrational. There is always a risk when you open your heart to love, but that comes with the territory. If the person gives you a reason to distrust them, then that is an issue that must be dealt with on its own.

Stop It!: Sometimes we just need to admit we are wrong and work at change. We all have personality issues that can bring us into conflict with other people or cause us to avoid it. An attitude of “That’s just me��”deal with it, or a fear to grow, can leave the other person feeling distant and hurt. If you love the other person, you will give up your selfishness. That’s one of the main points of I Corinthians 13. It’s all right to look out for yourself, but not only for yourself. If you have outbursts of anger, learn to control it. If you don’t help with the chores or kids, then start doing it. Growing in love means being willing to change bad habits for the sake of the relationship.

Give It Up!: Unforgiveness is poison for relationships. If you are holding on to things from the past that should have been already dealt with, you are building up a wall between you and your love. If both of you are Christians, you know that Christ has already paid for their sins, and that your perfect Father knows how to nurture the other person. If they are not a Christian, then treat them with the forgiveness Christ gave you. Releasing your anger and bitterness allows you to actually love them again.

Trust God!: Ultimately, there is no checklist for a good relationship. You are dealing with another person, not a “to-do list, and that takes humility. If you are not trusting God to give you the daily grace to love your significant other, then you will surely fail. If any of you lack wisdom, including how to love the person who sometimes completely confuses you, let him ask of God, who longs to help you love like Him.

Learning to consider the other person first is often a difficult process. You won’t be able to do it perfectly, and there will be many stumblings along the way. But your wife or girlfriend will love you more for your courage to grow, and because of it your relationship will be stronger.