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Another turning point came. This was at a Promise Keepers conference. One of the speakers made this point about men and sexual sin. “God will not deliver you from your friends”. I came to realize that day that my addiction was my friend and I didn’t really want to give it up. It was the most honest I had ever been to myself about my addiction. Something even more important came out of that conference. I was able to recognize a truth about God and began to integrate that truth into myself. That truth was that God love me and cared about me no matter what. His love never changes no matter where I am in my life or what I am doing. I can really come to Him just as I am. He will not turn me away or reject me. He will hold me in His arms and He will guide me. God had a plan for me, a plan I was completely unaware of all along the way. I know there were many times and sometimes years that I felt far from God but He was there, right there, working His plan. I invited God into my life when I was sixteen years old. Into my life He came. I cannot really say I felt His presence or His hand working in my life. As I look back over my life, I see clearly now that He was there and He was working. I found a real sense of freedom. I found the freedom and peace of knowing God’s love, grace, and forgiveness. This gave me a new perception of my addiction and my path to recovery. It was a slow process, but I came to accept and personalize the Love of God. He would not tease me or criticize me. He would not reject me. He would always understand me and accept me just as I am. This gave me the new understanding and the willingness to take a new look at myself. It was a more honest look. I lost my identity as a failure and a sex addict. Yes I was a sex addict and yes I had had many failures or incomplete successes. However, all of it was part of the journey to better understanding and acceptance of who I really was.

Today my life is different. The shame and loneliness have faded to almost nothing. I continue to work as both a nurse and a psychologist. God has a purpose and a plan and a calling. One of those callings is to reach out and help other men who are having a similar struggle in their lives. Sexual addiction is a product of personal life experiences and our personality make up. It is not just a behavior to learn to control. It has a purpose in our lives. When we take it away we are left to deal with all the things we have been hiding and running from. These are powerful and painful feelings. God’s love, your understanding of yourself, your patience with yourself and your acceptance of yourself are all important components of success, not only in over going the addiction behavior but in many other areas of your life.

If you need help, find it. Find a group of other men. The healing power of the group process cannot be denied. If you have to choose between a group and individual therapy, choose the group. If you start with individual therapy, set your goal to find and attend and participate in a group. There are many books on the subject and most are good. If you find one and you feel it is more legalistic and judgmental, put it aside and find another. I have read most and will suggest Breaking Free by Russell Willingham. I am impressed with his focus on the personal relationship with God as fundamental to recovery. For deeper understanding of sexual addiction, I suggest Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. This will reveal much about yourself and the influence of your past on your addiction. If you have this problem, get help. You cannot do it on your own. Even if you read all there is on the subject and get a PhD, you will not find success without the help of others, others just like you. You have tried to do it alone just like I did and each time, just like me, your success fell far short of completion. Maybe this is your time to take the step in right direction. If you have accepted Christ into your life, you are saved. God loves you and He is with you always. He is working in your life. Open your heart to that love. Let Him hold you just as you are. The strength of His love gives you the strength to take the journey of recovery. There are many paths in your journey. Many appear dark and others seem more like steps backwards. These paths are often filled with more insight and understanding about yourself. The knowledge that God loves you no matter the outcome provides the strength and the endurance to push on in the quest to be a better man of God. We cannot honor God by trying to appear perfect and hide our imperfections. We honor Him by facing our imperfections and coming along side others to help and be helped.

The Bible says in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “…give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” It does not say be thankful in all good and comfortable circumstances. If we apply this to our marriages then it means be thankful for our wives at all times. Are you thankful for your wife when she is sick? … When she is unattractive? …when she is depressed? … When she is disabled? …When she is struggling with mental illness? …When she does not want you to touch her? …When she is struggling with her weight?

I heard a story about an awful auto accident that left a young wife very disabled. While she was still in the hospital rehab she received divorce papers from her husband. His only explanation was that “he did not marry her for this.” It’s easy to get angry at this selfish punk but have we ever lapsed into self-pity just because the house needs cleaning.

Think of the worst day in your married life and asked yourself if you expressed thanks in the middle of that dark moment. Did you complain? Do you blame? Do you get mad at God and ask him how He could hate you so much? Thankfulness is truly real when expressed in the debts of pain and trail.

I believe that the spiritual discipline of thankfulness is rooted in a holy belief that circumstances do not dictate God’s blessing. We live in a day of very shallow faith. We ask God to bless us with things and whine when he does not pay our credit card bill.

1 Timothy 6:6, “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”

She is God’s gift and all of His gifts are very good. However, she is not God’s gift to make you happy or comfortable. In this modern age “materialism” is one of the great enemies of marriage. It causes couples to buy homes way beyond their means or to get into debt instead of waiting for God to provide. It also causes men to view their wives in a dehumanizing “value” context. I love her because she makes me happy, she cleans the house, she cooks great and I’m attracted to her. The suffocating weight of this type of entitlement love has destroyed many marriages. Selfishness is the soul cancer that kills love with criticism, disapproval and condemnation, when a man’s shallow expectations of his wife are not fulfilled.

We need to see our wife as God’s child. We need to love her with a holy love that accepts her as God made her. Selfishness is the enemy of genuine love and wise is the man that hates every hint of his selfish core.

“In 1636, amid the darkness of the Thirty Years’ War, a German pastor, Martin Rinkart, is said to have buried five thousand of his parishioners in one year, an average of fifteen a day. His parish was ravaged by war, death, and economic disaster. In the heart of that darkness, with the cries of fear outside his window, he sat down and wrote this table grace for his children:

“Now thank we all our God
With heart and hands and voices;
Who wondrous things hath done,
In whom his world rejoices.
Who, from our mother’s arms,
Hath led us on our way
With countless gifts of love
And still is ours today.”

Here was a man who knew thanksgiving comes from love of God, not from outward circumstances.”

So are you really thankful for your wife? Is she a gift from God? Do you praise God for her strengths and express equal thankfulness for her weaknesses? Is your contentment with her based on circumstances of a changing life or is there a deep abiding gratitude to God for the special gift God gave you in your wife.

“You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?”- Benjamin Franklin

“He is well paid that is well satisfied.”- William Shakespeare

“Christians can be and ought to be content with the simple necessities of life…First, when you have God near you and for you, you don’t need extra money or extra things to give you peace and security…God is always better than gold…Second, we can be content with the simplicity because the deepest, most satisfying delights God gives us through creation are free gifts from nature and from loving relationships with people. After your basic needs are met, accumulated money begins to diminish your capacity for these pleasures rather than increase them. Buying things contributes absolutely nothing to the heart’s capacity for joy…Third, we should be content with the simple necessities of life because we could invest the extra we make for what really counts (God’s kingdom) —John Piper from Desiring God, 1996, P. 102-103, Used by Permission,

    ”Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence” – H. L. Mencken
 
    “Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.” – Jean Anouilh
 
    “To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.” – Karen Sunde
 
    “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons and Futurama.)
 
    “I believe love is primarily a choice and only sometimes a feeling. If you want to feel love, choose to love and be patient.” – Real Live Preacher blog (December 16, 2002, reallivepreacher.com)
 
    “Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.” – William Shakespeare [1]
 
 

Obviously, as evidenced by the slew of quotations above, there are many different viewpoints on what exactly love is. In my personal opinion I think each idea holds some valid truth — albeit somewhat convoluted or hidden at times. Some hold a cynical view of love (see the Matt Groening quote), yet others hold a blissful view of it (see the Karen Sunde quote), and I am sure that each had their reasons for saying or writing what they did on the subject. This is all beside the point, however. The motive for such quotes is not what I intend to explore, but rather the subject of their pontification. I want to look at what exactly is love.
 
According to the American Heritage dictionary, love is defined as the following:
 
  

  Love, (n.); A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. [2]

 
 From the vantage point of an English professor, this is a good definition for the word “love”. However, I believe the editors of the dictionary have missed the true heart of love. John 15:13 says:
 

    Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. [3]
 

 
From this we see our definitions are at odds with one another, each offering a seemingly valid point of view — but which is the correct one? Can love be just a feeling of kinship or brotherhood, or is it something deeper, something that would drive a man to die — giving up the most precious thing a man can possess, his life — for someone else? How many people do you know would die for a feeling or affection? Could it be that love is not merely a feeling, but an action — a choice — as well? The answer is a resounding “yes”. Love cannot merely be a feeling and still be the cause for all of the successful marriages and whole families. Feelings are transient. Emotion is fleeting. Like plastic, when a relationship built upon nothing but emotion and feeling is put through the fire of adversity, it melts away leaving the empty core of a foundation that never really was. This is the cause of so many families falling apart, marriages failing, and moral shortcomings in the world. Our culture and our media is so fundamentally grounded on the idea that love is a feeling and it is eating away at the core of what family and marriage should be based upon: choices. It’s the Brad Pitts and the Britney Spears and the Alec Baldwin’s and the Madonna’s of the world that promote and pervade their doctrine of “love is a feeling” not by what they say but how they do.
 
Lets talk about Britney for a minute. William Penn once wrote the words, “Never marry but for love; but see that thou lovest what is lovely. [4]” I think we can all honestly say that Britney Spears’ first marriage — which lasted a whopping 55 hours [5] — was not founded on love. Call me judgmental or insensitive, but the facts speak for themselves. Love would never marry and then annul the marriage a little over two days later because, and I quote, she [Ms. Spears]:
 

    …lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to marriage because before entering into the marriage the Plaintiff and Defendant did not know each others’ likes and dislikes, each others’ desires to have or not have children, and each other’s desires as to State of residency. [6]
 

How can we call this love? I think the better question is how is any of this anything but insanity? Take a moment to imagine what kind of message this has sent to the public. Could it possibly be something along the lines of, “its alright to start and end relationships based on how you’re feeling at the time”? Oh, God, I hope not — but my hopes on this issue are most likely unfulfilled. This is not love. This is how we show our children what is right and wrong: by letting them look at the idols of today and by letting our children emulate those role models. Regardless if these very public figures want to be or like being role models, they are heroes to the youth of today. The example they set, either intentionally or unintentionally, is followed by teens and children all around the world. But that is not to place all of the blame on them. We as peers and parents have failed them as well. We have been silent on what is right and wrong, what is love and not.
 
So let us show them love.
 
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is unselfish. Love does not keep track of wrongs. Love is forgiving. Love is good. Love is faithful. Love is appropriate. Love is peaceful. Love is self-controlling. Love is discipline. Love is pain when pain is necessary. Love is kindness. Love is giving. Love is charity.
 
The previous statements are paraphrased or adapted from various places in throughout the Bible, including 1 Corinthians 13 and the fruits of the spirit. All of them are connected in a way. If you look closely, you can find it. Each statement has an implied choice associated with it. Patience is a choice, the choice to wait. Kindness is a choice, the choice to care. Unselfishness is a choice, the choice to put others first. Can you see the pattern developing? Love is not the result of an uncontrollable emotion; or rather, infatuation. Love is a conscious, deliberate attempt to invest in a person: to intentionally impact their life with goodness, mercy, kindness and charity.
 
So how does this translate into “romantic” love? Very simply, actually. “Romantic” love is simply regular phileo (or brotherly) love in combination with the emotion and an intellectual and spiritual bond between the two people. I know, I know; it sounds cold and scientific, but in reality it is a full, fulfilling, overarching and ethereal love. Emotion without connection and action is empty. Such also is connection without action and emotion and vice-versa. When we connect with a person on a intellectual level (or, “like” in the language of today’s youth), we want to show them we “like” them and are interested in getting to know them better (develop the spiritual bond). We do things to show them we care — buy flowers, stay up all night studying with them for their big exam the next day, go out for coffee, write cutesy little notes with dumb poems in them, or whatever it is people do these days. Some of these actions are just nice, like buying flowers and writing little notes, and tend to make people happy. But it is the self-sacrifice of staying up all night studying, or encouraging them when they seem down, or forgive and forget when they offend, and even draw boundaries when necessary. It is these actions that say “I love you” the loudest, much louder than any words could ever be spoken. What you will find is out of this self-sacrifice and elevation of someone else over yourself is the emotion starts to make a re-entry into your life. You find you don’t want to live without the other person, that you want to spend every day of your life with them, and everything else the emotion, the feeling, tells you. But this is different. This is no longer emotion gone wild but rather it is emotion under control. It is emotion with a brain.
 
The heart of real, true love can be summed up in the lines of two songs:
 
“Love is a verb.” – “Luv Is A Verb”, Free At Last, dc Talk; 1992
 
“I would give much more than I would ever ask for.” – “The Hamburg Song”, Under The Iron Sea, Keane; 2006
 
 
 
 
———————————————-
[1] – All quotations courtesy of QuotationsPage.com; 2008
[2] – The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition; Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
[3] – John 15:13, King James Version; 1611
[4] – Courtesy of QuotationsPage.com; 2008
[5] – Associated Press, “Judge Dissolves Britney’s ‘Joke’ Wedding”; Jan 6, 2004 (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3869708/)
[6] – The Smoking Gun, “Las Vegas Judge Grants Spears’ Annulment Request”; Jan 5, 2004 (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/britneyannul1.html)

The Facts:

In the early 1900′s, racist postcards dipicted peoples views of Interracial marriage.

Not Particular
I know you’re not particular to a fault
Though I’m not sure you’ll never be sued for assault
You’re so fond of women that even a wench
Attracts your gross fancy despite her strong stench

Interracial relationships banned at a University until 2000

 For decades, Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina used biblical references in attempt to justify its position and threatened students with expulsion for breaking this rule. It was only in 2000 when their interracial dating prohibition was repealed when President Bob Jones III publicly announced its nullification on Larry King Live.

I would love to know what scripture he used to back that up when the bible clearly says: 

The Bible does not even use the word race in reference to people,⁸ but does describe all human beings as being of ‘one blood’ (Acts 17:26).

The number of interracial marriages in the United States, although varying by region, has been on the rise:

In 1970, there were 310,000 documented cases, representing .7% of all marriages

In 1980, there were 651,000, representing 1.3% of all marriages

In 1992, there were 1,161,000, representing 2.2% of all marriages

For Americans, Black-white marriages tend to be the most controversial.

In a 2003 Ford poll of 1,314 Americans of varied races, 3 in 10 reported they were against black-white marriage, but were more willing to accept white-Hispanic or white-Asian marriages. Marriage between Whites and Asians, and particularly light-skinned North East Asians, is considered the least controversial.

But it is getting better, acceptance is on the rise.

2001 New York Times study (summarized in the Pulitzer Prize winning series) published in the book “How Race is Lived in America” found that approval ratings have steadily increased over the years.

2001 – approve 65%(whites 63%, blacks 79%) disapprove 26% (whites 29%, blacks 15%)

1991 – approve 48%, disapprove 42%

1972 – approve 29%, disapprove 60%

1978 – approve 36%, disapprove 54%

It really suprised me that almost 1/3 of people still have an issue with a white/black couple.  However, by looking at the trends, I believe this issue will almost be obsolete for our children.  We owe so much to Dr. King and the civil rights movement.  Personally, I get to live with the fruits of his labor, everyday.

There is always a slight fear in me when I step into the spontaneous, unknown world of

romance. “Will she like it?” “What if it flops?” “Is it selfish?” “What if we get in bad moods

and ruin it?” “Couldn’t I be more productive with this time?” “Wouldn’t it be better to go

straight to bed, than waste good sleep time?”

Abby is much more detail-oriented than I am. When I come up with an idea, she lovingly

questions how it is really going to function. She takes care of the details of things she owns

quite well, and gets upset when they are not cared for. Abby generally adopts new ideas

much more quickly, if they have been primed beforehand.

But this romantic idea was simple and genius, and I believed it would start a spicy, yearly

Christmas tradition in our home. It would go off without a hitch!

During the Christmas season, the first lights to get turned on in the morning and the last

ones to get turned off at night are on our Christmas tree. The thousand little bulbs provide

such a comfy-soft atmosphere, that they scream romance!

After a full Christmas day of gatherings with both of our families, we finally made it home

by nine or ten at night. We both get energized from quieter times in our life, so events that

require much socializing usually leave us both a bit worn. And it’s no secret that the

offspring of tiredness is typically crabbiness.

So we were both a bit on edge as we pulled our Jeep into its parking spot, and rustled

through the incredible fresh snow to our back door. Usually when we are crabby, we avoid

each other by doing things on our to-do list. Productive… yes…but not effective. We hide

behind busyness to avoid the conflict on hand.

But tonight’s conflict was mild. If ten is burning rage, and one is a passing argument, then

our Christmas day crabbiness was like a two. So she distracted herself in the kitchen doing

dishes, and I thought it was the perfect time for me to begin implementing my suave plan.

I went upstairs and began to shred the sheets from our mattress. Three short months of

marriage had released a small amount of wisdom in how to interact lovingly with her

personality. So, I yelled from upstairs, as I lifted the mattress up off of its frame, “I am

planning something, Abby… Have an open mind!” And for emphasis I repeated, “Have an

open mind, babe,” as I rounded the corner to slide the mattress on edge down the stairs.

The mattress slid easily down the wooden stairs. In my giddy excitement, I would have

ridden the thing like a toboggan-if only our stairwell had been wide enough!

I braced myself for the climax of the surprise, as it would soon be revealed to Abby. With

the mattress still on edge, I tentatively rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs where I

immediately came into direct line of sight of Abby standing at the kitchen sink.

My face was beaming. I was so proud of my idea, and the fact that I was actually

implementing it. Ignoring the crabby, fearful and lazy thoughts, I was really doing it!

Abby’s attention to detail and care for her possessions drew her to speak quick sharp word,

“Are the sheets on that?”

 ”No,” I said and responded quickly hoping to appease her and win her over, “Only the mattress cover!”

“Oh great,” she replied sarcastically, “something even more permanent to get dirty.”

“Calm, David, Calm” I said to myself as I moved the mattress from the hallway to the living

room floor in front of the Christmas tree.

But rage triggered explosively inside me. My mind raced with thoughts. The pain of her

criticism had dug into my core. “She cares more about this *&^(* mattress than about us. I

try to be creative and pursue her; I try to be romantic, and look where it ends up. See if I

ever try anything creative again!”

In a matter of 30 seconds the conflict had jumped from a three to a seven. My kettle was

steaming, so as soon as the mattress hit the floor, I decided to pick it right back up again and

bring it back upstairs to return it to its usual spot. If she cared so much about the mattress,

then from now on it would stay in its nice, safe place in our bedroom. No romantic night

sleeping in front of the Christmas tree for her!

I hoped she would realize how tragic her comments were. I would show her how she had

messed up, and screwed everything up. So, I huffed in child-like stubbornness, hoping my

anger would lead to incredible strength to get the mattress back up the stairs by myself.

I only got halfway up the stairs before I realized that the weight and bulk of the mattress

would prevent me from getting it up the stairs by myself. I would need her help to get the

mattress back up. How annoying to humble myself to ask for her help. I wanted to

“punish” her.

So I relented slightly and asked for her help, but I wouldn’t talk to her anymore. I won’t let

her thaw my icy shoulder. I won’t forgive her for days-or ever. She had to realize how

much she hurt me, and never do something so painful again. She had to learn.

We got it back up the stairs, and I slid it back to our room and then to the frame.

My heart went dormant as rage was now pumping my blood. I hastily made the bed, then

brushed aggressively past Abby, who was standing in the doorway to our room, hoping for

reconciliation. “I will not back down,” I thought. “I am hurt, she has to pay! She owes me. I will

make her pay!”

I did my normal bathroom routine, avoiding the mirror, avoiding the beastly look that must

have been on my face, and climbed into bed. As far as I could get on my side of the bed, I

knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I knew we needed to reconcile. I knew she was ready, but

I felt no strength. My rage overpowered me.

We knew we were on the same team, and that someone else was the enemy, not each other.

We had attended a marriage conference before we were married. At this conference, we had

learned that our sin needed to come up, out, onto the cross. We had learned that the cross

would always be where we could come back together. It was like the fork in the road that

we would both return to when there was conflict. Conflict was always a result of one or

both of us leaving the humble foot of the cross and forgetting the freeing work that was

accomplished there. As a result, a month or two into our marriage, we put a 4′ high cross in

our spare bedroom.

That Christmas night, we had both walked away from truth, pledging allegiance and loyalty

to ourselves, not to Christ.

Abby, was the first to humble herself and return to the cross. She was sobbing there, in thes

spare bedroom on her knees, as I was lying in bed raging, wondering how I long I would

have to be silent to her to even up the score. After ten minutes or more Abby came into our

room and gently asked if I was going to join her at the cross. At first, I didn’t even answer.

She asked me again before I responded,

“Yeah, when I am ready, in a little while” I muttered stiffly.

She went back to our spare bedroom and cried out again, “Jesus, we need you!” And

repeated and sobbed again and again, “Jesus, we need you!”

And I heard His voice in my heart saying, “Forgive as I have forgiven you. I have forgiven

you of so much! How can you hold unforgiveness towards her? Pick up the stupid mattress,

take it back downstairs, and invite your wife to join you. That is the only way this will end.”

I could not humble myself. Stubbornness held me pinned to the bed. I wanted revenge. I

would not move. Yet I knew reconciliation was sweet, not to mention how great forgiveness

is. I knew I wanted my life to write a great story, and that reconciliation is foundational for a

great story. But knowing and acting were not aligning.

Somewhere I must have inhaled a mustard seed, because I received just enough push to get

me out from under the covers. I met Abby in the dark room, on her knees in front of the

greatest symbol of healing and reconciliation, the cross. What was frozen, melted. What was

rage, softened. What was hurt, healed. What was judgment, forgiveness. No magic words,

no persuasion, no manipulation. We shared pure humility as we stared our Maker and

Savior in the face at the foot of the cross where He redeemed us from all our junk.

We had experienced our own resurrection! We were dead, but now alive. And life in

marriage is a powerful thing!

We grabbed the mattress together, with the pad still on it, and drug it down the stairs. We

brought down the sheets, and pillows and made the bed in front of the dimly lit tree. With

redeemed energy we undeservedly came together to experience spirit to spirit intimacy under

the tree.

A beautiful, unexpected Christmas gift that we will cherish and re-cherish for years to come.

2. (fear)If a person cannot wait to have sex until marriage? What might happen when married and commitment is tested? How faithful will they be once they are married? Do they have self-restraint?

3. You can look your kids in the eye and say I waited for your mom/dad and I know you can wait. I want T.J. and Jennifer to save themselves sexually for marriage. They receive enough bad messages from the media and others; I want the big gun testimony, “Do as I did!”

4. No images/fantasies in the mind of past partners. You can have a single-mind for your mate. (this would be a good time to talk about how porn effects a relationship but the topic is pre-marriage sex)

5. Sex rules in a dating relationship! Sex covers all red flags. So a couple does not develop socially, emotionally or spiritually. Sex is the stupid factor in relationships. In the heat of the moment sex does not seem stupid but the out-come has very painful results.

6. Sex removes the couple and the male out of God’s chain of authority. God has given men spiritual leadership in the dating relationship. If you make decisions against the will of God while dating, a man will have much more of a difficult time restoring the spiritual authority as a husband. Repentance and forgiveness will be necessary. I still believe in GRACE but I also believe that it is better to obey now then later.

7. As a male we are to protect our mates. This protection needs to start in the dating relationship. If you do not protect her purity, her future and her relationship with God; -now; how will she know that you will protect her in the future?

8. Harmony with God is affected by disobedient behavior. Prayer is the first causality. If you are dating someone and you do not pray together, then there could be a disobedience issue with God in the relationship. If you can not pray together now do not assume you will be able to pray as a married couple. Pre- marriage sex can be a reason that relationship with God is distant.

9. How strong a marriage foundation do you want? Matthew 7:24-27,”Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” You have been warned!

10. It works! My wife and I can testify to the truth that God’s commands are for our blessing and not to harm us! We can also testify that this truth can lead to great sex in marriage. (ask My Wife if you have questions on this point)

I’ll never forget the smell of that room, the strain and pain I felt some mornings after hard work-outs, and the mental effort it took to keep pushing the bar up day after day.  In the end I didn’t reach my goal of benching 225 lbs, (it wasn’t until later in the summer that I finally broke the barrier) but during those months I learned some invaluable lessons about working hard when you don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs.  Oh yeah, and I got a little more attention from the ladies that summer as well.

The Marriage Muscle Recently my wife and I were talking with a newly married couple about the challenge of developing and maintaining a strong marriage.  Six years into it, Stephanie and I have faced our share of ups and downs, and after sharing our marital story with our friends we all came to the conclusion that a marriage is a lot like a muscle.  If you want your marriage to grow and be strong you have to exercise it often.  If you don’t exercise your marriage muscle it will shrink, weaken, and eventually, with enough misuse or maltreatment, begin to breakdown.

So how do you exercise your marriage muscle?  Here’s 5 exercises you should incorporate into you marriage work-out.  Some of the exercises are easier than others, but if done consistently, all of them will help you sculpt and tone your marriage muscle into something that will remain healthy and strong for a long time.

#1 – Go on a date

Dating is the exercise that gets the marriage muscle growing in the first place, so it is befuddling that couples stop dating once they get married.  All the laughs and random time spent together morphs into routine TV watching and nights spent on the computer or out, separately, with old friends.  This is not a good idea.  It is similar to someone who is training for a marathon and then abruptly stops doing regular distance building runs 12 weeks before the race.  Dating is a simple exercise that keeps your marriage muscle in building mode and sets the foundation for more challenging exercises later.

#2 – Leave random notes, text messages and e-mails

Possibly the easiest way to exercise you marriage muscle is to tell your spouse you’re thinking of them during the day.  Technology is great for this.  Every so often fire off an email or a text message that says, “You’re beautiful” “Thinking of you today” or “Can’t wait to see you tonight.”  There are many ways to do this exercise.  Pack your spouses lunch and leave a not in the bag.  Write something in the snow on their windshield when you leave for work in the morning.  Write something sweet on a post-it note and stick it to the fridge or bathroom mirror.  Lay that special piece of clothing out on the bedroom floor with the words “Hurry home” next to it.  Whatever you do, it will mean a lot to your spouse to know that you took a moment out of your day to express how you feel.

#3 – Understand and appreciate your differences

This is not a new fact, but one worth repeating over and over again, “No two people are alike.”  Period.  And you wouldn’t want to be married to someone just like you anyway because, let’s be honest, you are one jacked up individual.  But even with that being said, thousands of marriage muscles shrivel and die because spouses attempt to create a clone of themselves in their covenant partner.  A better idea, a way to build the marriage muscle into something powerful, is to exercise it by understanding and appreciating the unique set of traits, talents, and trials each person brings to the relationship.  Then your marriage can flourish as you learn to capitalize on those differences for good.

#4 – Be physically intimate regularly

While this exercise is often more important to the marriage muscle of men than women, it shouldn’t be thought in only those terms.  Being physically intimate regularly is extremely important for developing a healthy marriage muscle.  Part of the design of marriage is that men and women would experience physical oneness with one another.  Physically exercising your bodies together is a profoundly critical activity for maximizing the well-being of the marital muscle as a whole.  When this exercise is neglected or not-valued by one spouse or the other, there will be inevitable damage done to marriage muscle.

#5 – Spend time talking with each other

If the previous exercise is often overlooked by one sex in the marriage, this exercise is likely overlooked by the other.  Just as exercising the marriage muscle involves physical exercise, it also involves an equal amount of emotional exercise.  Simply put, when the marriage muscle is not exercised by conversation and emotional intimacy, it will begin to breakdown.  Marriage muscles are stimulated to wellness through sharing and tenderness at an emotional level.  Prolonged introversion and a failure to share with one another is to the marriage muscle, what a 2 bags of Doritos and a case of beer is to your abs – not friendly!

From the Weight Room to the Living RoomThose lessons learned years ago in a small stinky high school weight room continue to serve me well.  The muscle I developed as a weight lifter has regressed some, but that doesn’t matter.  I don’t need it to get the attention of anymore girls.  I married the perfect one and I’m done worrying about how much I can bench.  Now I’m focused on working hard when I don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs, to build my marriage muscle for the next 60 years.  My pecs will be long gone by then, but with my bride at my side, it won’t matter.

At the same moment my canoe partner and I both apprehended that we were on a collision course with the big cow moose. Thinking that it may be a bad idea to goose a moose we both decided to try and guide our canoe away from ma-ma.

We both tried to guide the canoe at the same moment from “moose danger” but our uncoordinated reactions canceled each other’s attempt to guide the canoe. So, we managed to turn the canoe sideways in the river. We created the canoe and moose t-bone collision.

We did hit the moose. It was a thrill!!I loved it!! It was about as exciting as being chased by a crazy dog. Big, hairy, moose butt hitting Old Town canoe. We watched in amazement as mom and baby ran down the river splashing water everywhere and then disappeared into the thick Canadian woods.

We would have avoided this moment of excitement if my canoe partner and I had managed to communicate and work together. Instead we both reacted.

I believe that many married couples do the same thing. They face a crisis and then they create a greater disaster by husband and wife reacting independently of each other. By their independent reactions they guarantee a huge crisis for the whole family.  

Most all crises that husbands and wives face are not such an emergency that they do not have the time to communicate and then act together in a thoughtful manner.

1. So slow down!

2. Communicate-“Hey, sweetheart! We are going to hit the moose.”

3. Next step, create a plan, “Hey, sweetheart you steer the canoe, I’ll paddle.”

4. Then do it- “Great idea, let’s go!”

5. Subsequently, move on around the obstacle. “Wow, was that ever close!”