”Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence” – H. L. Mencken
 
    “Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.” – Jean Anouilh
 
    “To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.” – Karen Sunde
 
    “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons and Futurama.)
 
    “I believe love is primarily a choice and only sometimes a feeling. If you want to feel love, choose to love and be patient.” – Real Live Preacher blog (December 16, 2002, reallivepreacher.com)
 
    “Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.” – William Shakespeare [1]
 
 

Obviously, as evidenced by the slew of quotations above, there are many different viewpoints on what exactly love is. In my personal opinion I think each idea holds some valid truth — albeit somewhat convoluted or hidden at times. Some hold a cynical view of love (see the Matt Groening quote), yet others hold a blissful view of it (see the Karen Sunde quote), and I am sure that each had their reasons for saying or writing what they did on the subject. This is all beside the point, however. The motive for such quotes is not what I intend to explore, but rather the subject of their pontification. I want to look at what exactly is love.
 
According to the American Heritage dictionary, love is defined as the following:
 
  

  Love, (n.); A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. [2]

 
 From the vantage point of an English professor, this is a good definition for the word “love”. However, I believe the editors of the dictionary have missed the true heart of love. John 15:13 says:
 

    Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. [3]
 

 
From this we see our definitions are at odds with one another, each offering a seemingly valid point of view — but which is the correct one? Can love be just a feeling of kinship or brotherhood, or is it something deeper, something that would drive a man to die — giving up the most precious thing a man can possess, his life — for someone else? How many people do you know would die for a feeling or affection? Could it be that love is not merely a feeling, but an action — a choice — as well? The answer is a resounding “yes”. Love cannot merely be a feeling and still be the cause for all of the successful marriages and whole families. Feelings are transient. Emotion is fleeting. Like plastic, when a relationship built upon nothing but emotion and feeling is put through the fire of adversity, it melts away leaving the empty core of a foundation that never really was. This is the cause of so many families falling apart, marriages failing, and moral shortcomings in the world. Our culture and our media is so fundamentally grounded on the idea that love is a feeling and it is eating away at the core of what family and marriage should be based upon: choices. It’s the Brad Pitts and the Britney Spears and the Alec Baldwin’s and the Madonna’s of the world that promote and pervade their doctrine of “love is a feeling” not by what they say but how they do.
 
Lets talk about Britney for a minute. William Penn once wrote the words, “Never marry but for love; but see that thou lovest what is lovely. [4]” I think we can all honestly say that Britney Spears’ first marriage — which lasted a whopping 55 hours [5] — was not founded on love. Call me judgmental or insensitive, but the facts speak for themselves. Love would never marry and then annul the marriage a little over two days later because, and I quote, she [Ms. Spears]:
 

    …lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to marriage because before entering into the marriage the Plaintiff and Defendant did not know each others’ likes and dislikes, each others’ desires to have or not have children, and each other’s desires as to State of residency. [6]
 

How can we call this love? I think the better question is how is any of this anything but insanity? Take a moment to imagine what kind of message this has sent to the public. Could it possibly be something along the lines of, “its alright to start and end relationships based on how you’re feeling at the time”? Oh, God, I hope not — but my hopes on this issue are most likely unfulfilled. This is not love. This is how we show our children what is right and wrong: by letting them look at the idols of today and by letting our children emulate those role models. Regardless if these very public figures want to be or like being role models, they are heroes to the youth of today. The example they set, either intentionally or unintentionally, is followed by teens and children all around the world. But that is not to place all of the blame on them. We as peers and parents have failed them as well. We have been silent on what is right and wrong, what is love and not.
 
So let us show them love.
 
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is unselfish. Love does not keep track of wrongs. Love is forgiving. Love is good. Love is faithful. Love is appropriate. Love is peaceful. Love is self-controlling. Love is discipline. Love is pain when pain is necessary. Love is kindness. Love is giving. Love is charity.
 
The previous statements are paraphrased or adapted from various places in throughout the Bible, including 1 Corinthians 13 and the fruits of the spirit. All of them are connected in a way. If you look closely, you can find it. Each statement has an implied choice associated with it. Patience is a choice, the choice to wait. Kindness is a choice, the choice to care. Unselfishness is a choice, the choice to put others first. Can you see the pattern developing? Love is not the result of an uncontrollable emotion; or rather, infatuation. Love is a conscious, deliberate attempt to invest in a person: to intentionally impact their life with goodness, mercy, kindness and charity.
 
So how does this translate into “romantic” love? Very simply, actually. “Romantic” love is simply regular phileo (or brotherly) love in combination with the emotion and an intellectual and spiritual bond between the two people. I know, I know; it sounds cold and scientific, but in reality it is a full, fulfilling, overarching and ethereal love. Emotion without connection and action is empty. Such also is connection without action and emotion and vice-versa. When we connect with a person on a intellectual level (or, “like” in the language of today’s youth), we want to show them we “like” them and are interested in getting to know them better (develop the spiritual bond). We do things to show them we care — buy flowers, stay up all night studying with them for their big exam the next day, go out for coffee, write cutesy little notes with dumb poems in them, or whatever it is people do these days. Some of these actions are just nice, like buying flowers and writing little notes, and tend to make people happy. But it is the self-sacrifice of staying up all night studying, or encouraging them when they seem down, or forgive and forget when they offend, and even draw boundaries when necessary. It is these actions that say “I love you” the loudest, much louder than any words could ever be spoken. What you will find is out of this self-sacrifice and elevation of someone else over yourself is the emotion starts to make a re-entry into your life. You find you don’t want to live without the other person, that you want to spend every day of your life with them, and everything else the emotion, the feeling, tells you. But this is different. This is no longer emotion gone wild but rather it is emotion under control. It is emotion with a brain.
 
The heart of real, true love can be summed up in the lines of two songs:
 
“Love is a verb.” – “Luv Is A Verb”, Free At Last, dc Talk; 1992
 
“I would give much more than I would ever ask for.” – “The Hamburg Song”, Under The Iron Sea, Keane; 2006
 
 
 
 
———————————————-
[1] – All quotations courtesy of QuotationsPage.com; 2008
[2] – The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition; Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
[3] – John 15:13, King James Version; 1611
[4] – Courtesy of QuotationsPage.com; 2008
[5] – Associated Press, “Judge Dissolves Britney’s ‘Joke’ Wedding”; Jan 6, 2004 (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3869708/)
[6] – The Smoking Gun, “Las Vegas Judge Grants Spears’ Annulment Request”; Jan 5, 2004 (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/britneyannul1.html)

2. (fear)If a person cannot wait to have sex until marriage? What might happen when married and commitment is tested? How faithful will they be once they are married? Do they have self-restraint?

3. You can look your kids in the eye and say I waited for your mom/dad and I know you can wait. I want T.J. and Jennifer to save themselves sexually for marriage. They receive enough bad messages from the media and others; I want the big gun testimony, “Do as I did!”

4. No images/fantasies in the mind of past partners. You can have a single-mind for your mate. (this would be a good time to talk about how porn effects a relationship but the topic is pre-marriage sex)

5. Sex rules in a dating relationship! Sex covers all red flags. So a couple does not develop socially, emotionally or spiritually. Sex is the stupid factor in relationships. In the heat of the moment sex does not seem stupid but the out-come has very painful results.

6. Sex removes the couple and the male out of God’s chain of authority. God has given men spiritual leadership in the dating relationship. If you make decisions against the will of God while dating, a man will have much more of a difficult time restoring the spiritual authority as a husband. Repentance and forgiveness will be necessary. I still believe in GRACE but I also believe that it is better to obey now then later.

7. As a male we are to protect our mates. This protection needs to start in the dating relationship. If you do not protect her purity, her future and her relationship with God; -now; how will she know that you will protect her in the future?

8. Harmony with God is affected by disobedient behavior. Prayer is the first causality. If you are dating someone and you do not pray together, then there could be a disobedience issue with God in the relationship. If you can not pray together now do not assume you will be able to pray as a married couple. Pre- marriage sex can be a reason that relationship with God is distant.

9. How strong a marriage foundation do you want? Matthew 7:24-27,”Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” You have been warned!

10. It works! My wife and I can testify to the truth that God’s commands are for our blessing and not to harm us! We can also testify that this truth can lead to great sex in marriage. (ask My Wife if you have questions on this point)

I’ll never forget the smell of that room, the strain and pain I felt some mornings after hard work-outs, and the mental effort it took to keep pushing the bar up day after day.  In the end I didn’t reach my goal of benching 225 lbs, (it wasn’t until later in the summer that I finally broke the barrier) but during those months I learned some invaluable lessons about working hard when you don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs.  Oh yeah, and I got a little more attention from the ladies that summer as well.

The Marriage Muscle Recently my wife and I were talking with a newly married couple about the challenge of developing and maintaining a strong marriage.  Six years into it, Stephanie and I have faced our share of ups and downs, and after sharing our marital story with our friends we all came to the conclusion that a marriage is a lot like a muscle.  If you want your marriage to grow and be strong you have to exercise it often.  If you don’t exercise your marriage muscle it will shrink, weaken, and eventually, with enough misuse or maltreatment, begin to breakdown.

So how do you exercise your marriage muscle?  Here’s 5 exercises you should incorporate into you marriage work-out.  Some of the exercises are easier than others, but if done consistently, all of them will help you sculpt and tone your marriage muscle into something that will remain healthy and strong for a long time.

#1 – Go on a date

Dating is the exercise that gets the marriage muscle growing in the first place, so it is befuddling that couples stop dating once they get married.  All the laughs and random time spent together morphs into routine TV watching and nights spent on the computer or out, separately, with old friends.  This is not a good idea.  It is similar to someone who is training for a marathon and then abruptly stops doing regular distance building runs 12 weeks before the race.  Dating is a simple exercise that keeps your marriage muscle in building mode and sets the foundation for more challenging exercises later.

#2 – Leave random notes, text messages and e-mails

Possibly the easiest way to exercise you marriage muscle is to tell your spouse you’re thinking of them during the day.  Technology is great for this.  Every so often fire off an email or a text message that says, “You’re beautiful” “Thinking of you today” or “Can’t wait to see you tonight.”  There are many ways to do this exercise.  Pack your spouses lunch and leave a not in the bag.  Write something in the snow on their windshield when you leave for work in the morning.  Write something sweet on a post-it note and stick it to the fridge or bathroom mirror.  Lay that special piece of clothing out on the bedroom floor with the words “Hurry home” next to it.  Whatever you do, it will mean a lot to your spouse to know that you took a moment out of your day to express how you feel.

#3 – Understand and appreciate your differences

This is not a new fact, but one worth repeating over and over again, “No two people are alike.”  Period.  And you wouldn’t want to be married to someone just like you anyway because, let’s be honest, you are one jacked up individual.  But even with that being said, thousands of marriage muscles shrivel and die because spouses attempt to create a clone of themselves in their covenant partner.  A better idea, a way to build the marriage muscle into something powerful, is to exercise it by understanding and appreciating the unique set of traits, talents, and trials each person brings to the relationship.  Then your marriage can flourish as you learn to capitalize on those differences for good.

#4 – Be physically intimate regularly

While this exercise is often more important to the marriage muscle of men than women, it shouldn’t be thought in only those terms.  Being physically intimate regularly is extremely important for developing a healthy marriage muscle.  Part of the design of marriage is that men and women would experience physical oneness with one another.  Physically exercising your bodies together is a profoundly critical activity for maximizing the well-being of the marital muscle as a whole.  When this exercise is neglected or not-valued by one spouse or the other, there will be inevitable damage done to marriage muscle.

#5 – Spend time talking with each other

If the previous exercise is often overlooked by one sex in the marriage, this exercise is likely overlooked by the other.  Just as exercising the marriage muscle involves physical exercise, it also involves an equal amount of emotional exercise.  Simply put, when the marriage muscle is not exercised by conversation and emotional intimacy, it will begin to breakdown.  Marriage muscles are stimulated to wellness through sharing and tenderness at an emotional level.  Prolonged introversion and a failure to share with one another is to the marriage muscle, what a 2 bags of Doritos and a case of beer is to your abs – not friendly!

From the Weight Room to the Living RoomThose lessons learned years ago in a small stinky high school weight room continue to serve me well.  The muscle I developed as a weight lifter has regressed some, but that doesn’t matter.  I don’t need it to get the attention of anymore girls.  I married the perfect one and I’m done worrying about how much I can bench.  Now I’m focused on working hard when I don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs, to build my marriage muscle for the next 60 years.  My pecs will be long gone by then, but with my bride at my side, it won’t matter.

Hmmm, I gotta see this, I think to myself. This is not because I’m a bored, lonely “housewife” but because growing up in the church “Hot” Christian Singles – especially of the female species – were something akin to a Sasquatch sighting. People claimed to have seen one, but it was rare and largely unconfirmed. Of course, Sasquatch probably is a poor choice of comparison given the similarities it also shared with the actual Christian singles I knew.

“Hey, Ron did you go to the Sunday night service?” A friend would ask.

 ”Uh, no. My dad wanted to watch Chips, but it was just a rerun. Why?”

 ”Ah Crap!” they would reply with less-than subtle disappointment. “Raymond said there was this totally hot chick sitting in the third row last Sunday night.”

“Ya, right. Raymond thinks Liza Minelli’s hot.” Further undermining Raymond’s credibility was his exclusive use of sweatpants in his daily wardrobe and the excessive amount of time he spent in front of something called a computer. “Besides, if there really was a hot chick at church she was probably either someone’s relative visiting to be nice, or she’s Catholic.”

At that age and with my level of spirituality, I was convinced of two basic premises when it came to Catholics. They weren’t really true Christians, and all girls of that faith between the ages of 14 & 21 were smoking hot babes outfitted in sexy plaid school uniforms which they wore constantly except when showering. I’ve since recanted on both beliefs.

 Now, in the event you are reading with a certain indignation over the fact that your Christian wife is totally hot, then allow me to apologize along with offering my congratulations. My wife is one smoldering Christian babe too, and, like you, we met under totally normal circumstances. (okay, so it was me spending a ridiculous amount of time in front of something internet dating). It’s not my intent to insult anyone.

 My premise, however, is not that sexiness and faith are mutually exclusive. Heaven forbid (No, really. Heaven forbid). The day a supermodel turns her life over to Jesus, God does not in turn beat her with an ugly stick to the point she could scare buzzards off a meat wagon. Rather, the idea of fronting single Christians with such sensual undertones seems to me, well, a bit ironic given the command to avoid fornicating (ancient word for ‘getting busy), and save yourself for marriage.

 What’s next? Adult Faith Finder - the only Internet dating site where Christians can find a long-term relationship, a “faith-buddy” or just a one-night fast.

Ron Mattocks is a freelance writer who contributes to various publications and blog sites. Raised in the church in western Pennsylvania, he later went on to be a military officer and business executive before writing. He lives in Houston, Texas with his wife and five kids and maintains the blog Clark Kent’s Lunchbox talking about parenting, faith and life from a man’s perspective. He can be reached at rmattocks@yahoo.com