On Homosexuality: It’s OK to Fight

It was 1994. I was 15 years old when the epiphany hit me that times were changing and I was eventually going to have a socially acceptable problem.

This sudden awareness started the clock on a grueling battle for my sexuality. I was conscious of the fact that I was different from the other girls at the age of five, and I had lived silently through ten years of gender confusion and attraction to women by age fifteen. I wanted desperately to be “over it” by the time it was going to be acceptable, even normal, to be gay.

I’ve always been conscious of God.

My Baptist upbringing made me aware of my need to be able to give an account for all the decisions that added up to the story of my life. Sometimes a burst of Scripture and the fear of God were strong enough to keep me in check. But, for most of my story, I just didn’t feel like I was in control of the pen.

Years before I shared my struggle or had a single conversation about it, I knew the way I felt toward women was not only different, but wrong. Deep down. Instinctively, I hid it. Like Adam and Eve, in the garden, when they got it wrong. It was not the topic of sermons or conversations in the early 90’s; it was still foreign at best, if not taboo. No one influenced me to fight these feelings because no one knew. It was the voice of God alone that spoke to my heart and persuaded me to fight for my identity.

From childhood, I wanted a husband and a family. I didn’t want to die in the arms of a woman at the age of sixty-four. Or forty-whatever. It wasn’t about shame before men, it was about honor before God. I couldn’t look God in the eye someday and tell Him I had tried to honor Him in every way He’d asked of me if I had given up easily when it came to this.

So I fought. Hard.

In my early teens, I told my youth minister’s wife. In my later teens, I fell in love. Deeply. After being caught, her mother allowed me to choose: I could tell my parents in the next twenty-four hours, or she would. I couldn’t let them hear it from anyone but me so I confessed my struggle to my very broken-hearted parents.

On a Sunday, I told them I had to move to make a new start, and I was gone by Wednesday. It ripped gaping holes in all of our hearts. It’s not the way you’re supposed to leave home, but I didn’t know what else to do. Unsure what to do with myself, I followed up on some previously abandoned plans and went to Bible school in Dallas. After one semester, I dropped out and checked myself into a live-in Christian counseling center for people fighting homosexuality. I found out the program was inactive after I moved in, and after a year there, I got so lonely that I left and let go of the fight for a time.

Ready to pick myself back up again I enrolled in art school in an honest pursuit of a web design career, but found myself swimming in temptation and unable to concentrate. I dropped out of art school to run away from another relationship that was forming, and moved to Austin where I enrolled in a school of ministry. A few years later, I found myself in trouble again, and had to step down from ministry. My teens and twenties were marked with cycles of victory and defeat, joy and pain.

Homosexuality is not a tender enemy.

But, I’m thankful for the affliction because it made a warrior and a lover of me.

For my entire twenty-three year search, I was never alone. When I made the decision to reach for help, people loved me. They prayed, listened, cried, and held me. They believed the best was coming and waited tirelessly for the seeds of life to bear fruit in my soul. By patient love they demonstrated my Father’s heart. The best of them never violated my will, created forceful situations, made rules for me to follow, rushed me to conclusions, or prescribed remedies. They gave me no reason to mistrust God by their own leadership styles. They didn’t make my sin any bigger than theirs. They didn’t freak out when I fell. They just spoke truth, and waited with me until I could see God. Because that’s the promise for the pure in heart. They see God.

During my struggle, I was at times almost overwhelmed by a relentless, internal pressure to make a decision that would define me in the long term. I contemplated “coming out,” not because I was suddenly proud of it, but because I was tired of fighting… particularly after a failure. I was exhausted and humiliated. I wanted to disappear; not confess to loss again. Pride’s temptation to turn struggle into statement, wrong into right, was intense. In these moments, depression weighed heavily on me. Vision for life faded in and out, like a boxer reeling from blows to the head. But I just wouldn’t lay down on the mat and quit. It felt too much like making a deal with the devil. I knew the pressure to come out was a demand for my agreement with darkness, and would turn my heart to enmity with God.

At some point, the most important lesson of my struggle became revelation to me:

I don’t have to make an enemy of God just because I’m not quite like Him yet.

I learned that more than angering Him, my failures broke His heart. I learned in order to please Him, my heart only needed to be in agreement with His. And to make agreement, I only had to yield my pride to His love.

I learned this: the entire battle… all these years… had simply been about my agreement. Profoundly simple, it was this revelation that removed the pressure to define myself as gay or straight, and gave me the freedom to be in process. It made it OK to fight.

I began to see that each time I made decisions toward truth, there was a positive energy around it, unlike the negative energy that would have me come out.

Rather than giving in to get relief, I was rising up to grasp hope.

Sometimes I agreed with God about my sexuality because He is Lord, and love is a choice, and that is all. My emotions were left out of the equation so many times because I had to believe either my feelings were lying to me or God was. I purposed in my heart to honor God’s design no matter how it felt, for a very, very long time. I could feel in the waiting that Life was at work in me. Hope was at work in me.

There was never a pinnacle moment when I knew, “I’m not gay anymore. I feel different.” My liberation was unceremonious. Freedom matured in me through a process, from the seeds of truth that God planted and people watered along the way. It wasn’t one decision I made not to be gay, there were many. Like Proverbs 4:18 says, “… the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day.”

When dawn first breaks light is distinct from darkness

—but its brightening from morning to noon happens in indiscernible progression. Yet noon is undeniably brighter than the dawn. In the same way I can say with confidence today that I am free.

I am a testimony that homosexuality can be a choice. It was a fight, but it was worth every tear I cried and every drop of blood Jesus shed. We won this thing together. It was a fight for honor. For dignity. For agreement. Out of that agreement comes the power that overtakes the impossible, and if you’re struggling with this, I’m here to tell you…

It’s OK to fight.

Read more in Christy’s follow-up article “How My Same-Sex Attraction Was Ended”

First Steps Out by Christy McFerren

  • http://twitter.com/ashprettylady a. santiago

    I loved this. Powerful testimony of not giving up the fight! I’m incredibly grateful for this article

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you so much.

  • http://chrystalmurphy.com/ Chrystal

    Thank you for sharing Christy. Such a beautiful story of God’s love and unending pursuit of His children.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Chrystal! He is a great story-writer. I once wrote a poem of gratitude to God thanking Him for chasing me down. That’s exactly what He did!

      • matermax

        The Hound of Heaven. by, Francis Thompson. Ever heard of it?

  • http://www.eyvonnesharp.com/ Eyvonne


    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks Eyvonne. :)

  • Janet

    Christy, I think it’s awesome you’re writing this! I’ve heard so many heterosexuals talk about how homosexuality is just a choice, yet I’ve always wondered how we could possibly even know. And how effective is it really for a straight person to tell that to a gay person who truly believes it’s not something they can choose, but something part of their genetic makeup. Because you’re writing from your own perspective (having been there and done that), your story of overcoming along with your bits of encouragement to the reader will break down barriers and empower so many people! So proud of you! :)

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Janet, I pray many can be given hope, those who want to fight, should be given the hope they deserve. Thanks for your careful thoughts!

  • http://www.allisonjohnston.org/ Allison Johnston

    I have fought the fight as well. He is worth it.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Well said, Allison. He is indeed worth everything we have to give.

  • Tana

    Ok sorry ally. This is where I draw the line. I’ll have to unsubscribe now. Love you and wish you the best!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Tana, I don’t know you, but please understand that this is just my story, and a message of hope for those who feel convicted to fight this. It’s not for everyone, and you are loved, just like you are.

    • Kate

      Good idea. This is some toxic stuff.

  • http://twitter.com/Krisirj Krisi Johnson

    Beautiful Christy, facing ourselves in honesty is so difficult. I commend you.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Krisi. Really appreciate it. :)

  • Jessi Solomon

    Raw, truthful, & brave.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      thanks Jessi :)

  • http://www.sundijo.com Sundi Jo Graham

    Amazing post Christy. I relate to you in several ways. I love how God redeemed the time and provided you with a husband. He is currently doing the same in my life.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Awesome! Husbands rock! It is so true that He redeemed the time. Dan and I feel like we’ve been married forever and we only met a year ago this month. :) Good times, thanks for sharing!

      • Ethan

        I think husbands rock as well. Can’t wait to meet mine someday. And our God is an awesome God for making each of us special and in his image.

        • Ellen Weisberger

          Why does the Bible (God’s Word) say it’s a sin if it’s not? Homosexuality is a sin just like adultery, fornication, bestiality and all the other sexual sins it talks about. We all sin, but Jesus said “go and sin no more.” As believers in His Word, that’s what we are trying to do. Not just accept our sin because we think it’s ok. Please know that I am lovingly trying to encourage you, if you truly believe in God and His Word, you will read all of it. He has released so many of us from sin. That is why He sent His son to die and rise again. He loves us that much, shouldn’t we obey His Word and love Him above any of our own thoughts or feelings? He made us to have a relationship with Him and to glorify Him. We cannot do that if we are not following His commandments and rules for righteous living. He loves us but not our sin. Only He can set us free, if we truly seek him as Christy has done. And I do on a daily basis, I have been released from sexual sins also (among many other sins!) and am SO thankful I am now in a loving marriage with a wonderful guy! I am not perfect and none of us will ever be until Jesus returns. The danger of sin is believing you cannot overcome it. Because Jesus died and rose again, we are overcomers.

  • 1lori_1

    Thank you Christy for this courageous post….I commend you. All of us are really trying to freed of something aren’t we? It doesn’t really matter what the “it” is, but unfortunately there is a certain amount of shame attached to certain sins, but to God, sin is sin no matter what it is. We are all in a process of growing more like Jesus everyday. And He loves us exactly where we are in the process because He knows our hearts and our motives. There needs to be more hope out there for people struggling with this, and people like you to point the way to the light God’s love. Beautiful piece…..Lori

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you so much Lori. I agree – hope is so needed. And it is so far past time that we as a culture and as Christians begin to learn to dialogue about this issue. When I learned that my Father was cool with me even while I was in process, I felt the weight of condemnation leave me and the strength to fight grew stronger each day. He is beautiful and He gives beautiful gifts.

  • http://penciledinexistence.wordpress.com/ Carlynn Jurica

    Not angry, not judging, honest question: What would you say to someone whose honest convictions are that there is nothing wrong with their naturally non-heterosexual orientation or identity in God’s eyes and that they should embrace it rather than fight it?

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Carlynn, thank you for your honest question and for reading this article. I truly appreciate it.

      I don’t make it my place to speak to anyone’s convictions on this topic, especially without the context of a friendship where unconditional love has been proven and trust is built. My journey with homosexuality does not equate to valid enough investment in someone’s life for me to start in on such an intimate note with a person.

      I share my story for the sake of those who are still looking for the direction they want to take their story, and who share similar convictions. I share my overcoming to give hope to those who want the same for themselves.

      If, in the sharing, other kinds of ears hear it, and the Spirit of God, whose job it is to convict, decides to use my story to speak to someone about their convictions, that’s His business.

      If you’re seeking truth on the matter, on whether you should embrace or fight it, I can share more about where my personal convictions came from, but I’m not sure that is the route you’re asking me to take. :)

      Thanks again, it’s an important topic – and one of the most important parts of this topic, to me, is to foster an environment of love and respect and honor for people surrounding the issue from every side. I hope to give that to you today.

      • http://penciledinexistence.wordpress.com/ Carlynn Jurica

        Thank you for taking the time to respond. :)

        I’m always seeking truth; however, I was simply curious. I’ve talked to and heard from so many LGBT (and those of other non-heterosexual/binary identities along the spectrum of human sexuality) who would resent a testimony such as yours and have sustained incredible psychological damage from being told that God wants them to fight their “sin” that seems to be so natural and good for them. Many who manage to retain their faith end up with strong convictions that they are fine just as they are. I agree with you; civil, loving, respectful discourse is so necessary, especially in such sensitive topics as this. As I said, I was just curious about your thoughts those with differing convictions.

        Thank you for sharing your personal experiences in such a tragically volatile area with a cool head. :)

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          Thanks Carlynn. I really appreciate the tone of our conversation here. It gives me hope that there is room for my kind of story – hope for me, and hope for those like me. I long to see the day when we are all able to share our perspectives with strength and conviction, along with humility and honor for everyone. Really, really appreciate your response.

        • Vero

          Sexuality is always a hard topic to broach. Sin is a word no one wants to be confronted with in a conversation. My boyfriend didn’t like it very much when I told him i believed it was wrong in God’s eyes to “cheat” on your girlfriend by having sex with another person. In his eyes that belief was judgmental. It was his natural inclination to want to have sex with many women and he told me he felt like he was born that way and shouldn’t deny it. I’m ok with him expressing that belief but I don’t have to agree with him in order to show him love. Its just not a way of life i wanted to embrace.

          • lizzynaija

            @Vero, you are right. Showing love doesn’t mean you must re-define what and what is not sin and change God’s standards outlined in the Bible.
            We condone so much sin in the name of “following our natural inclination” and “I just don’t want to appear judgmental.” Most people don’t really want to deal with sin squarely these days of political correctness. I often wonder if the apostles who walked with Jesus and those like Barnabas and Titus and Timothy who further spread the Gospel would recognize us as Christians if they came into our world as it is today

          • Tee


        • Tee

          I feel that Christy’s speaking light and helping many to realize God’s faithfulness and set the spiritual captives free. I hope she keeps shining her light and bringing people to repentance in Christ who overcomes with love.

      • http://www.sheisfierce.net/ Kim

        Can I just say I love this answer, more than anything else? What a beautiful way to open a discussion on something so hard and personal.
        Just butting in to say…. yay. :)

      • Vero

        This thought alone would help any conversation where two people have different convictions.

  • http://www.brynnabegins.com/ Brynna Lynea

    What an amazing gift of faith you’ve been given, and what an example of courage you are.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Brynna. We can all be courage to someone about something. :)

  • Claire

    In all honesty, I’ve had a deep-seated conviction myself for the past four years that I want a committed, monogamous, sexual relationship with a godly man, and am therefore not interested in investing in relationships that don’t lead to that goal. And that’s a fight, and it requires a lot of endurance, and there’s no visible finish line. So I say, if you were working from a deep conviction, you fought the good fight, and no one gets to tell you otherwise.
    My hope, though, is that this story is not used to point at someone and say “Hey, not being straight IS a choice!”

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Claire,

      I honor that – I know exactly what you are working toward and it can be a seemingly endless journey. A year ago this month I met the man I’d marry – and it was so so so SO… worth the fight. He is amazing and God made him perfectly for me.

      I share your hope that others will not use this article to carelessly point fingers. There is a risk anytime a truth is shared that some Christians will be judgmental with it. And that is sad, and something that should never happen.

      My one goal is to provide hope for those – like us – who just want the energy to keep going, and need to be encouraged that it’s possible. Our culture seems so afraid to say it’s ok to fight. It’s almost a shameful thing to want the things you and I place value on, and it’s my prayer to advocate for the fact that it’s an honorable thing to want, as you say, a “committed, monogamous, sexual relationship” with someone of the opposite sex.

      I pray your wait ends soon and with great pizzazz!!!

  • http://www.mustardseedyear.com/ Jason Wert

    Incredible incredible incredible. Incredible INCREDIBLE incredible. Incredible. In. Cred. Ible.


    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Jason!

  • Katie Proff Agnew

    Christy- I think I knew. In junior high or high school. I don’t think I ever had a conscious thought that “hey, christy is gay”, but I know I was surprised to see that you were married to a man when we reconnected on Facebook. At that time, I just chalked it up to dumb teenager syndrome, what do dumb teenagers know anyway?

    Honestly, leading up to this revelation, I was a bit confused by how you approached the topic of homosexuality, because it seemed awfully close to the hate the sin not the sinner rhetoric that drives me bananas. In all your other writings you seemed so open minded and open hearted. After reading this, I understand better. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

    I have friends who are homosexuals. They are some of the most giving, generous, kind-hearted people I know and they are so much more than who they love. I can not reconcile that God made a mistake when he created them. My question to you is, do you think God made a mistake? With you? With them?

    Again, thank you for sharing. I am sure that this will not be an easy journey for you. Perhaps you are used to the bumpy road already.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Katie,

      Thanks for reading. Yeah, that phrase has really thrown some Christians for a loop and caused us to walk outside of real love and relationship toward people who believe differently. It has really made it difficult to speak past people’s filters when they hear Christians talk about this topic. Honestly, I’m out to change that. I want people to be more comfortable talking about issues like these because it doesn’t have to get ugly.

      I have friends who are homosexuals as well, and I agree that my friends are wonderful people and so much more than who they love – as we all are. I personally don’t find it productive when relating to people in general, on this issue and others, to try to bring conviction to people who aren’t asking for it or feeling it on their own. That is not the audience I seek to address.

      From my experience, I can see where it is easy to feel that you were born gay. I personally (as you acknowledge from the outside looking on during my youth), felt it was very natural for a long period of time in my life.

      To answer your question, about God making mistakes… No, I don’t think He makes mistakes. I think fallen man does. But it stands to reason that if we are all born sinners, then you can be born gay in a sense. I believe we all have certain drives and compulsions, and that some, especially those of a sexual nature, are far more difficult to overcome. But do I think they are all holy urges? No. Do I believe that unholy urges devalue a person? No. Definitely not. Or everyone would be worthless.

      It’s my job to love – and I mean really love, not just preface judgment with the phrase “I love you” – and it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to convict. And His alone. And I feel more convicted when I fail to love someone than I did when I failed to control my homosexual desires. I think it grieves Him far more, because I am denying someone an opportunity to know His love for them, and when I sinned it was mainly myself I was hurting.

      I believe that outside the conviction of God and a deep inward drive to honor that conviction, no change will take place, of any kind, for any person, with any issue. As my story went, I had a relationship with God and He actively spoke to me and compelled me to keep fighting and strive toward the vision He held for me – of surprising you with my marriage to a man, even!

      I cannot overstate enough that I believe my primary role in discussing this topic out loud in our society is to give hope to those like me, who want to change. I don’t wish to take the role of convicting people of sin, because the Bible expressly says that is the job of the Holy Spirit. I simply offer hope to a group of people in our culture that no one seems to be speaking up for, and that is those of us who deal with or have dealt with this issue and don’t want it to be a part of our lives.

      I think that’s ok to say, still. I hope. :)

      • http://twitter.com/theBossyMom Susan Hill

        “I believe that outside the conviction of God and a deep inward drive to
        honor that conviction, no change will take place, of any kind, for any
        person, with any issue.” Wow. What an incredible statement. And so true. I don’t struggle with this issue but I know plenty who do, and you have given me a great understanding of how to see this and other things, quite frankly. :) Thank you for your honesty.

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          Thanks, Susan. I am always so happy when someone who doesn’t struggle with it can see better into it because it means hope for building bridges is real. Thank you for telling me that and for reading about this issue.

      • Cptjmc

        Wow! What wisdom you have! You have just summed up everything I have tried to articulate for years, but didn’t know how to say. I am not gay, but there are people I love who are, and have feared them pointedly asking, “So do you think homosexuality is wrong?” I do believe it’s wrong, but it doesn’t make them any less valuable to me. Thank you for being so candid, what a powerful testimony you have. People need to hear this.

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          Thank you so much :)

      • Jill

        I appreciate your response. It is so helpful

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          So happy to hear that, Jill. Thanks for caring enough to read the comments too. :)

      • Lexy

        WOW….i soooo wish i could have you around in Africa to speak to people i know and love who are wrestling/ have wrestled with this and given up……. i will be sharing your article and have had tears rolling down my cheeks in response. Your struggle hasn’t been mine BUT all of us struggle in different ways to live in the identity of the Beloved and that for me is where the starting point needs to be – not about who we attracted to, or anything else…it’s about WHO God asks us to be….thank you so much for sharing so candidly.

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          Thank you, Lexy, for passing the story around. Hope is contagious! I pray your ministry is fruitful. Bless you.

      • http://www.facebook.com/carissa.lanning Carissa Lanning

        This is a beautiful, brilliant piece! I especially love this quote from your comment: “It’s my job to love – and I mean really love, not just preface judgment with the phrase “I love you” – and it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to convict. And His alone.” THIS is the gospel! THIS is what Jesus was talking about!! THIS is what I try to say so many times and still get “Well, yeah, but…” in justification for Christians saying they are right to shun the sinners. This is definitely being bookmarked!

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          Thank you, Carissa. It is so true that the Church has just as much to learn as anyone when it comes to our approach to this topic. Conviction is just never going to come from a human, or a person will be following that human instead of walking out a relationship with God. Thanks for reading and joining the conversation!

  • http://www.facebook.com/raymond.a.foss Raymond A. Foss

    Do you believe that someone can be created homosexual at birth?

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Created? No. Inundated with multiple reasons they would lean that way very quickly in life? Yes.

      But that’s not really my point today, so I won’t elaborate. I don’t think it matters what the cause was, I think it matters who the Solution is, if you seek one.

      Thanks for reading. :)

      • MotherGinger

        The science is pointing to the reality that, like so many other diseases & disorders, homosexuality is not in the genes, but is epigenetic. That is, you’re not conceived that way, but many are indeed born that way, b/c of the imbalanced hormones of their mother while they’re in the womb. Google congenital adrenal dysplasia for just one look at this. There have been many recent articles admitting there is no “gay gene,” but that many people are turned toward homosexuality in the womb. No, God did not make them that way, but they were born that way. Clinging to Christ is the only answer – b/c we know that the predisposition to alcoholism is very often acquired in the womb, as well. (And with both alcoholism and same-sex attraction, the cause can be acquired post-birth by nurture (or the lack of it), as well.)

        This is far more complicated than either the “Condemn!” or “Accept!” camps are willing to open their minds to.

        Peace be with you all.

        • WallyGee

          If this is true, then medical science would consider homosexuality a disorder (genetic or otherwise). But no peer-reviewed Western medical science I’m aware of over the last 30+ years considers homosexuality a disorder. Most States have thankfully banned “gay conversion therapy” or are in process of banning it. The genetic disorder you speak of (CAD) only affects 1 in 15,000 Caucasians, whereas a reasonable estimate of homosexuality is around 1 in 100. Besides, the symptoms of CAD are generally disorders like physically ambiguous genitalia, etc..

          I like Christy’s story and heart. I do think certain homosexual tendencies can
          be learned, and unlearned — a product of social pressure rather than genetics. But, as we see throughout the entire animal kingdom, a small percentage of sexual orientation aberration and deviance are normal. This is just how things are. We could appeal to religion and call it all “sinful” or we could simply realize that a small percentage of animals are indeed born with sexual aberration.

          Anyway, comparing genetically expressed homosexuality (if that is indeed a
          cause — I’ve seen no peer-reviewed science on this topic) to Fetal Alcohol
          Syndrome (or any drug-induced, in-womb changes to fetal genetic expression) simply isn’t appropriate in this context. I applaud Christy for her strength, but I also applaud those who are indeed “born that way” and refuse to let religion condemn them for what nature has conceived.

          There will always be a small percentage of sexual deviation among us. In my opinion, it is not worth our time to worry about. Two billion people go to bed hungry on this planet. Forty million people are enslaved. THOSE are the kinds of sins that should drive us to righteous anger, and moral action.
          Unfortunately, our religious text commands slaves to “obey their masters”. We need to have the courage to admit that ancient religious texts do not always get it right. We no longer tell slaves to “obey their masters” — we do everything in our power to free the slaves from the raw evil of their captors. Similarly, we need to understand that sexual orientation is not about “sin” but about the complex world of nature and genetics.

  • SheldonBarrocks

    “My teens and twenties were marked with cycles of victory and defeat, joy and pain.” Someone already said it but this is a couragous post. Most people who believe in Christ or not don’t have enough courage to talk about what they;ve been through. The awesome thing about this is that you gave Jesus all the glory and now someone who is struggling right now like you did knows that there is hope. Thank you for being brave enough to share.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you so much, Sheldon! It has been fun getting to know you and the vision you have for uniting the community in Toronto with Christian Jones. I’m honored to be your friend! We share a great hope in Jesus, for certain.

  • http://www.withfaithandgrace.com/ Allison (With Faith & Grace)

    I respect your opinions, but posts like this always make me nervous. I don’t believe homosexuality is a choice. I don’t know why anyone would *choose* to live a life of heartache, discrimination, exile and hatred. I think this just gives people more ammunition to blame homosexuals for their “choice” and to deprive citizens of rights. To give even more reasons why a gay person is “wrong” or isn’t “trying hard enough,” it deeply saddens me how so many who would willingly love and follow Jesus are dismissed because they aren’t “normal.”

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Allison, with all due respect, this isn’t my opinion. It’s my story – my life.

      And it is true, that it was a choice for me.

      It’s sad that people who wish to fight this issue in their life aren’t given hope, and I think they are overlooked out of the same nervousness you’re speaking of – at the risk of offending some, we refuse to advocate for those who wish to overcome something the Bible calls sin. I get where you’re coming from but there is room for more than one message in our society.

      I’m not out to hurt those or even change the minds of those who don’t want to change. I’m here to offer hope to those who do.

      • http://www.withfaithandgrace.com/ Allison (With Faith & Grace)

        “,,,or even change the minds of those who don’t want to change.”

        And that’s my entire point. Sometimes it isn’t about not wanting to change. It’s about not being able to because of who we are.

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          I think people who don’t want to change are free to ignore me. :) I’m speaking to people who do, and who share my convictions. Should we not also have a voice?

          • http://www.withfaithandgrace.com/ Allison (With Faith & Grace)

            No… you’re missing the entire point I’m trying to make. The wording you are using makes it sound like you believe everyone has a choice whether or not they want to live a homosexual lifestyle. I couldn’t be a homosexual because I am a heterosexual (my marriage license proves it). I don’t believe sexual orientation is always a choice, because I didn’t choose to be heterosexual. I just am.

            It clearly was a choice for you, and clearly it was a choice for others and I’m glad you’re there for those who feel they can do something about it. But I know people who tried to choose otherwise, and it didn’t work. The language of “choice” – IMO – is dangerous. It’s not always a choice. We have to love them as they are, not as they choose. That’s the only point I’m trying to make.

            • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

              Allison, I agree with you that love is always the only proper response to people. If you read some of my other responses, to other comments, you’ll see that we are on the same page.

              I’m not missing the point you’re making about choice and how I should speak of it. I don’t think it’s for you, as a heterosexual who has never struggled (I’m assuming) to be able to say that for me to call my choice a choice is dangerous. You are certainly entitled to your opinion about my phrasing, but I won’t change it because if I do, then I leave people who want to change and believe they should and can change, victimized to something they are not, by Scriptural standards, powerless and victim to if they don’t want to be.

              I think you’re being sensitive and you have a good heart, but I think you’re working really hard to have mercy where I am not being merciless. I am clear in all of my writing that I’m not speaking to those who either don’t want to change, or don’t yet feel they are able. I acknowledge how ingrained sexual desire and orientation are – I fought with it my whole life.

              I am speaking to those who do want to change, and believe they can.

              As an aside, I don’t think a marriage license proves much of anything as it concerns the heart. Plenty of people have married while still struggling with this issue.

              • Adam

                Christy, I’m a gay person in a long-term (ten years), monogamous, committed relationship so I do have at least some sense–more-so than Allison perhaps–of what you’ve gone through. Though, I haven’t ever struggled with my sexuality because–unlike a disease or a mental disorder–it has never debilitated me, or prevented me from being successful or feeling happy or fulfilled. But Allison is correct in pointing out that you are being very very careful not to suggest that, maybe, some people can’t change or shouldn’t have to change, or that it’s possible for gay people to be happy and fulfilled. Now, I’m not a religious person but it seems unnatural to me for people to want to change themselves not because they are otherwise unhappy, but because a particular interpretation of scripture demands it.

                • WallyGee

                  Adam, you’re correct that Christy has drawn the line of homosexuality as a choice. That said, her story and comments here are some of the most thoughtful I’ve encountered in the conservative religious blogosphere. I think, if she could speak freely, she would probably agree with you, or at least admit that none of know with certainty.

                  • Carla

                    No, being gay is not a choice. However, one can make a choice to decide that he/she does not want to be gay and then act “not gay”. Marrying a man is the most visible way to act “not gay” if you are a woman. If you truly hold the belief that being gay is a grievous sin, leading you to eventual hell, then you will be highly motivated to act “not gay”. Highly motivated!

            • Cathy

              You’re marriage license doesn’t prove anything. Ask the many gays who got married to try to be straight and then divorced leaving behind a spouse and children feeling betrayed.

              • Adam

                “Ask the many gays who got married to try to be straight and then divorced leaving behind a spouse and children feeling betrayed.”

                Ask them what? I do agree that a marriage license doesn’t prove anything. Look at all the straight people who get married and then divorce–leaving behind a spouse and children feeling betrayed? Look at all the gay couples who have been together for decades and raised children. Look at all the married couples, both gay and straight, who haven’t gotten divorced.

  • Taylre

    This gives me so much hope. I am not homosexual (or even close to it) and I have never struggled with it . However, I have deep struggles of my own that I feel like I was born with. Homosexuality is probably a much harder vice to fight, but if you can fight that battle and win, then I could surely fight this one.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Tayire, that is exactly what my goal was in writing this – to offer hope. We overcome by two things: the word of our testimony and the power of the blood of Jesus. Keep pressing and you’ll get it! Prayers for you!

  • BrandonB

    Christy, thank you for sharing your story with the rest of us. I know that it took great courage to divulge these kinds of details to your audience, and I believe the Lord will honor that courage by allowing your story to minister to many who are in a similar place. I’ve been a Christian my entire life and I’ve got to admit that all I’ve ever heard toward the gay community from the Church is judgement and condemnation. Christians treat gay people like the modern day lepers of the Bible yet they never try to understand what the struggle is like for them. I must admit that this is one area that I haven’t personally struggled in and I don’t truly know what it is like (though I’ve struggled in many other areas in my life). So I just wanted to thank you for sharing your struggle with me. It gives me empathy and compassion for those struggling with this problem, and it gives me a new vantage point for understanding the situation more clearly. Thank you for your boldness and courage in sharing and thanks for your heart towards others.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Brandon, thank you so much for your open-mindedness and desire to grow toward people with this issue! I pray that many will follow in your footsteps!

  • Mikala

    ‘the freedom to be in process’…So key to those of us who expect instant perfection, and feel like we are not loved by our Father when we can’t accomplish it. He does love us right where we’re at, and is incredibly patient with us while we strive for obedience. Thank you so much for being an example of fighting the good fight!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks, Mikala. Yes! The process is where the relief and peace comes from. It’s where we can set our hearts at peace with Christ while He and we both wait for us to become more like Him. His love is ever-present and all He wants is for our hearts to be turned toward Him.

  • Christin

    Your story is beautiful and you truly have a gift to write. I appreciate how you have handled each comment with such grace and love.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Christin.. I pray that our culture can learn to talk about this. Appreciate you reading!

  • http://www.ordinaryservant.com/ Pilar Arsenec

    I am speechless. What a mind blowing post. Also, what courage. I would have never known. This hasn’t been one of my struggles. I have had plenty of others though. But what I can say is there was a time I questioned myself. It was in a time where I was being propositioned by women a lot. I never took the bait though. I never crossed over despite being in abusive relationships with men. I also have friends who are gay. I have a relative who is a transvestite. I am not the type to judge or beat people over the head with a bible. It is not my job. I am not the Holy Spirit and I am far from perfect. Thanks for sharing your testimony with the world. It is a powerful one.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Pilar, I appreciate your honesty here, and friendship as well. So many people are tempted to traverse these grounds even later in life, without any internal influences, but from the outside. I’m so glad you were strong enough to avoid it. Thank you for your friendship and for commenting here in support of people who need hope.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwYig2CP66Q&feature=related Phaerisee

    We need to make sure Obama stays in so we do not go back to the dark ages. Spread the word to your christian and conservative family members about what Mitt Romney believes. If they knew, even they would run in the other direction and tell everyone they know.


    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      This is not the place for political spam.

  • http://twitter.com/WriteAndDream Michael Vuke

    My pastor was talking about sexual captivity this Sunday and he said something along the lines of “God’s acceptance of us isn’t contingent upon us beating our struggles–it is contingent upon Jesus’s sacrifice. If you never beat your battle with porn in this lifetime but have accepted what Jesus did for you, God still accepts you and is just as proud of you as He is of Billy Graham.” It really struck a chord with me, and this post kinda re-emphasized some of what I’ve been learning, so I thought I’d share that.

    Christy, thank you for sharing; it takes a lot of courage to share anything about yourself, especially when it is something that so many people freak out about.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Michael, I totally agree with what your pastor is saying. It’s all about the direction of our hearts. And really only God can know that. His grace is amazing, and His love makes us want to cling to that grace which changes us to be more in His likeness.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • Alena@TheHomemadeCreative

      Thank you for sharing that quote, Michael. VERY encouraging!!

      • http://www.michaelvuke.com/ Michael Vuke

        It’s my pleasure, Alena! I know it was/is very encouraging to me…I struggle with accepting God’s love a lot of times, and it reminds me that God doesn’t love us conditionally, based on our “good deeds” but rather on if we have accepted His sacrifice and love of us.

    • Stephen

      Hi, Michael, I have several questions:

      How proud is God of Billy Graham, and how does one know?

      What does it mean for us to “accept what Jesus did for [us]” and for God to “accept” us?

      Lastly, what does scripture tell us about sinful nature pre and post-salvation?

      Christy, I would like to add that I, too, respect your ability to come forward with such a powerful life story. This is a topic which I have struggled with for many years, as I come from a large, scripturally-based family that thrives on intellectual and challenging conversations. I hope and pray that your loving heart and desire to glorify God touches the lives of everyone it crosses.

      • http://www.michaelvuke.com/ Michael Vuke

        Hey Stephen;

        While I don’t know this for sure, as I am not the originator of that quote, I have a strong feeling that the only reason that Billy Graham was used is because he is an easily identifiable person that most Americans can relate to as someone who appears to have a good relationship with God. That being said, he is human and fallible. It could have just as easily have been said: “God’s acceptance of us isn’t contingent upon us beating our struggles–it is contingent upon Jesus’s sacrifice. If you never beat your battle with porn in this lifetime but have accepted what Jesus did for you, God still accepts you and is just as proud of you as He is of David [the man after God's own heart].” (since, based on the way the Bible talks about David, it is safe to assume that he was saved, and we have been saved, so we are both covered by Jesus’ sacrifice and holiness)

        In the context of the sermon and this conversation, our acceptance of what Jesus did for us is referring to “confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord” and seeking God in your life. As for God’s “acceptance” of us, it is referring to us being welcomed into Jesus’ sacrifice and salvation/forgiveness and love.

        Finally, the Bible talks about sinful nature existing in all humans from birth. When we seek God and accept his sacrifice and forgiveness, we are completely and utterly forgiven of all sins (past, present, and future), and exchange our “filthy rags” for God’s holiness. However, sin nature still exists in some form (often referred to as “the flesh” in the New Testament), as we still live in a fallen world and inhabit a fallen vessel. The important thing here is that, if we are with God, even though we will still sin and mess up, we are striving to please Him.

        I’ll get personal for a second. For quite a few years I was not right with God. Since then, I have fallen in love with God and accepted what He did for me, and I’m doing my best to love Him and live how He wants us to. That being said, I still struggle with my temper sometimes (which Jesus equates to murder in the Sermon on the Mount), I’ve certainly dealt with lust (which Jesus equates to sleeping around) and porn, I have more than my share of pride, etc. However, I am seeking God. As I have continued to do this, I’ve started to have more “victories” in my life over things like anger, porn, pride.

        The Bible has a lot of examples of this sort of thing as well: Paul talked about the “thorn in his side” that he kept struggling with, but never “beat”. Moses struggled with being swayed by public opinion (striking the rock the second time instead of speaking to it, not wanting to speak up to Pharoah, etc.). Etc.

        Hope that helps clear things up! :)

  • http://twitter.com/gritandglory Alece Ronzino

    I am so drawn to your courageous and authentic heart. Thank you for sharing so honestly and gracefully about the fight.

    His light shines brightly through you.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks so much Alece. Your powerful honesty has graced us all, as well. I’m honored by your words. :)

  • http://InkyJazz.com/ Bridget

    Wow, Christy, that was powerful. The things you said are applicable to any struggle with sin, especially the ones that seem unconquerable. It’s so much easier to give up and just agree with the darkness. In the heat of battle, the argument sounds so convincing. But our agreement with light is the first step to victory.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks Bridget, it’s so true. Fighting one sin is usually very similar to fighting another. It just seems harder when it’s our own we’re up against.

  • http://www.redemptionsbeauty.com/ Shelly Miller

    My mother chose to be a lesbian during my middle school years. They were definitely the worst years of my life. And I have a close friend who recently divorced her husband because she decided she is gay. It breaks my heart. She doesn’t see it as a choice, or wrong in the eyes of God so I’m heartbroken for the way I know her choices will affect her middle school and highschool girls. I’m so awed by your authentic honesty here. Really touched by the courage to share so openly. Thank you.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks Shelly. I am so sorry for the pain you went through – and am touched by the empathy you have for your friends’ daughters. It is indeed a heart-breaking and tragic issue. It has been so damaging to families in scenarios like the one you speak of. Thank you for sharing a piece of your story so people can see more angles of the truth.

  • Mike Honea

    Christy – so very well written (as usual). More importantly however, the account of your spiritual journey is a testament of God’s love, mercy, and grace available to us all. Your words provide hope and a spiritual roadmap to anyone who is experiencing any spiritual battle. I am especially proud of you for the courage and desire to put the prospect of helping others above all else. I know your heart and I am proud to call you my daughter. Dad

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Dad – the strength of your love and what you made our family to be for each other has been so much of why I even have a story like this to tell. Thank you for loving me like my heavenly Father does.

  • Mom

    Christy, this is a beautiful message of hope and encouragement for anyone fighting to overcome a spiritual battle in their life. I am so proud of you for continuing to “fight the good fight” and become strong for the Lord. I am looking forward to reading the book version that you will have out soon. I will be praying for you as you continue to write, that your words will be helpful for families and friends that want to know how to help someone struggling with the desire to be free from a homosexual life, or any other battle they are facing. A book like you are writing was not available to us and would have been of great benefit to help us know how to better approach the whole situation. I pray many will be blessed and helped from this endeavor. I love you so much and am proud you are my daughter!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Mom, you guys are so much of the reason I felt secure enough to fight. I love you forever!

  • Maria

    I am happy for you that you have battled and believe that the outcome of your battle is what God wanted. I am grateful that you state that you are testimony that homosexuality “can be” a choice and not that it categorically “is” a choice.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Maria, thank you for your open-minded and open-hearted comment. I do believe that as with any sin, until God speaks freedom to us, in the form of specific and personal revelation, we are bound to it. Scripture will lead us to a place of understanding and be a lamp to light the path we are to tread, but only God’s voice breathes the life and grace into us that makes us strong enough to traverse that path. All else is religion and performance.

    • Sal

      Darn you, Maria! I was about to say the exact same thing. I wasn’t sure what to think when I started reading the article, and for me it was a bit of a twist ending that you broke free.
      Thank you so much for sharing your story!

      • http://christymcferren.com Christy McFerren

        Thanks, Sal! :)

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  • http://thomasmarkzuniga.com TMZ

    Truly inspiring as I currently wrestle with my own struggles and uncertainties. Thanks for the reminder that it IS okay to fight. That we all have something worth fighting for. Much love to you.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you, Tom! Love right back. :)

  • Stacy

    This is an awesome testimony! So glad you shared it. We need more Christians to recognize that homosexuality is not a Bigger sin than any other sin nor is it something that one can over come over night. We all struggle with something in this life. Homosexuality is just the taboo at the moment. But it’s not new. I think your writing can help those who believe it to be a sin and those who don’t. We all need to remember that everyone has something they struggle with in life. But God is merciful and patient and He is faithful. The best quote I ever read in a book was: “You (speaking of God) are Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, You don’t stop in the middle, You finishe what you start.” The book was the final in a series about a young woman’s journey to finding God. Such encouraging words. Thank you for your testimony! God Bless

    • http://christymcferren.com Christy McFerren

      “We need more Christians to recognize that homosexuality is not a Bigger sin than any other sin nor is it something that one can over come over night.”… so true. I couldn’t agree with you more! Thanks for reading. :)

  • Jay

    You’re a legend – thanks for writing this! In the words of Florence + the Machine, “It’s always darkest before the dawn”.

    • http://christymcferren.com Christy McFerren

      Ha! Thanks Jay. I love F+tM!

  • MacBerns

    Thank you so much for you openness and honesty – it is a truly powerful testimony! It brings so much hope for me in my own struggles; I can see so much of what you dealt with is mirrored in my own life. I have had a really rough, depressive period lately and a friend sent me this link. I have never had a clearer “sign” to have hope before. The war is won, but there are still many battles to be fought along the way. Truly encouraging. So thanks again!

    • http://christymcferren.com Christy McFerren

      MacBerns, I am so glad your friend cares about you and that I was able to be a part of keeping hope alive. Thanks for sharing that – and stay strong.

  • Jess

    This is such an incredible testimony. In many ways this is my story that I have been afraid to tell. In sharing this you are shouting to my heart “YOU ARE NOT ALONE”, and you are just pulling down heaven to give glory to God. That all things are possible through Him. That the horror stories and the miraculous “too good to be true” quick fix stories that line either side of the debate don’t have to be the only thing out there. Thank you for being brave.

  • Amy

    well this just kinda makes me depressed. While I am very happy that you were able to find happiness and win your fight, I can’t see 100% where you are coming from in that it is a choice. I grew up in a Christian home, going to church every sunday, youth group every wednesday and mission trips every summer. I love God with all my heart and it breaks my heart knowing that I will be a let down to the family in this department of my life, but I can’t really fathom ending up with a guy. Never been attracted to guys and I don’t see how willing something enough will make me all of the sudden fall in love with someone i’m not attracted to. I’m not trying to be rude or start a debate, but the post made me sad because this type of post is something I feel everyone in my family will point to and say ‘look amy, people can choose not to be gay! You can too!’ …because honestly i don’t think I can. ….much like I can’t point to another guy on the street and make my brother be attracted to him. It isn’t up to me. Anyway, not sure why i’m even posting this on your comments, guess i just had to get some thoughts out somewhere, so sorry they ended up here, haha.

    All my respect,

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  • Steve Wayne

    Very well written and even more impressive in the comments section. Humility and grace will usually win the day in this difficult discussion and you have both in spades! On a curious note, have you listened to John Piper’s sermons on Romans 1:24-28? Though he doesn’t offer exactly the same conclusions you have presented here, it is very very similar.
    Looking forward to your book!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Steve, thanks so much for your kind words. I have not heard John Piper’s sermons, yet. A friend sent them over a while back and I’ve been trying to be careful to keep my own story front and center in my mind and not get my thoughts mingled up with anyone else’s yet – especially while I’m in the process of writing. But the time will come when I’ll need to get the background and voices of others woven into my understanding, and I look forward to it!

  • Ken

    Thank you for sharing your story. It is one more piece of “data” in an ongoing struggle for me regarding what I believe regarding homosexuality in relation to my faith.

    In your case, it seems as if it was a “choice” rather than something you were born to. However, a friend’s child was born years ago with both male and female reproductive organs. Doctors told them they should make a choice and have surgery on the baby immediately. They did so, and it was only a dozen or so years later that they believed their choice had been correct, as they heard their son’s voice begin to change. Until that time, they were unsure. Given even that secondhand experience, both choice and birth seem to be possibilities for persons who are gay. That added to other experiences, plus your story, all convince me that the biggest error believers make is that of judgement.
    As you say, judgement does nothing but separate us as individuals. It is so often the case that homosexuality is deemed by believers as an unforgivable sin. But when we realize that sin is simply separation from God, we realize that it was MAN who decided that some sins are worse than others. In God’s eyes, the “little white lie” is just as devastating separation from his love as is homosexuality. As you say, Christie, both in your article and your comments, we must all learn that judgement and conviction is not our job–that is the job of the Holy Spirit.

    Thanks again! — Ken

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks, Ken. It is a difficult topic, to be certain. And I fear we only make it more difficult by approaching it without love, or as if it’s different from any other condition we face as humans. Thank you for sharing the insight about your friend’s child. I have never known anyone with that situation but have heard of it, and felt it would be one of the most difficult issues a person and their parents could try to face. We just never know what a person has been through, and love is the only sure-footed approach we should even attempt to make in relating to people. Cheers to you for being diligent and seeking out your own resolutions to complex issue. May the Spirit of God illuminate your path.

  • Ann

    Thank you for this article. I recently ended an engagement to a man who has struggled with homosexuality. I better understand his struggle now from reading. Blessings on your ministry!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks, Ann. I’m so glad it helped.

  • Kelly Raudenbush

    Thank you for your words here and your honesty and vulnerability. I’m sharing it with some folks I know who will be so encouraged by it

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks, Kelly. Appreciate that.

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  • http://twitter.com/kirknjoni Kirk Severs

    Christy, I just read this article and I am so thankful for your honesty and your telling your story. While I do not have these struggles, I do have similar struggles and know what you have said about our Loving Heavenly Father to be true. I pray that your raw story will help hundreds of people who are facing any struggle, not just sexual issues. I praise God that we can talk about these things now, when in the past, it had to remain hidden, which just let the monster grow bigger!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Kirk, yes… being able to talk about these things more openly automatically kills the shame that empowers it. Thanks for seeing that these truths are applicable across the board, and thanks for being part of this conversation in our culture.

  • Donnie

    Christy your words are encouragement to me. I lived a gay life for 20 years after leaving a marriage with two children. I left the lifestyle a year and half ago. I know I have more healing to do but, have come along way with God’s healing hand. I professed to be born gay but, I know better today. I did not dance around the issue of conviction with my church friends. Instead I asked them to be honest with me about my sin and my behaviors around them. I got “truth in love” demonstrated toward me. I am a member of the church where John Piper pastors. I am glad you are reaching out to others.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Donnie, thank you for bravely sharing your story here. My best to you in your journey!

  • http://www.facebook.com/kathryn.boehne Kathryn Boehne

    Thanks. Very encouraging.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Happy to hear that, Kathryn.

  • Joy

    This is fantastic. I have been studying this topic for the past 30 years and I really appreciate your perspective. Both of my husband’s sisters live a homosexual lifestyle and I know he will benefit from reading this. Thank You!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you, Joy. So glad I can help.

  • KOOB

    This is wonderful.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks for reading. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/charles.n.rutledge Charles N. Rutledge

    Here is another beautiful story of a gay activist and publisher comming out of her lesbian lifestyle and converting Venus Magazine from a pro gay publication to a Jesus centered gay recovery magazine. A love centered story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQGA-n4JyOY

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks, Charles. Yes, she has a very powerful story.

  • Courtney Fricke


    I appreciate this post so much! I don’t know really how I came across it but thankfully my eyes found a way to the words written here. I’m 22. I just graduated Bible college a year ago. And in January I’ll be moving to live as a full-time missionary in Thailand. Yet, this is the “red-letter sin” I find on my chest. It’s not easy to confess and many well-intended leaders don’t know how to deal with this when you come to them. And my heart desperately breaks at how the Church has unknowingly and immaturely dealt with this issue and those who are affected by it.

    Being in ‘full-time’ ministry isn’t the ideal place to struggle with this, but I do and yet I still find God’s grace here. A few weeks ago I read a Tweet that said, “Hallelujah! I’m free to struggle!” Through that and from the words of this post, I find relief once again to embrace God even in the wrestling. He can be found here too!

    Of course, I look forward to your book and reading your other posts. I have no words for the joy I feel when I come across solid resources on this subject.

    So thank you!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Courtney, thank you so much for sharing a part of your story here, too. It helps when we all speak up. I especially love this: “Hallelujah! I’m free to struggle!”. That was so core to my freedom. The Church gets really squirmy when people need more time than is comfortable to work out their faith in certain areas. You have my admiration for moving into the ministry despite this. We’ll begin to learn how to deal with it as a Church and culture as more people confess and still keep moving. So… thank you!

  • Blake Widmer

    Thanks for sharing, this was good for me to read and also see the reactions and comments from all angles. I would say I am in the process of changing my view on homosexuality, particularly as it relates to the church. One of the most intriguing lines of thought for me lies around the “choice” vs. “non-choice” debate. Certainly, categorically stating that it is a “choice to be or not to be” is offensive to many and also there is no conclusive research to support or deny the origin of sexuality at a physical/genetic level, so I am leery of using that argument. However, from a Biblical perspective I am not certain it matters, as Romans 8:20-23 talks about the futility of creation, indicating that all is corrupt, and even those of us who are believers, having first fruits, are not made “whole” now but we will be in glory. I appreciate your perspective and the tenderness with which you approach this sensitive topic. Congrats also on your anniversary, I just celebrated my first a few months ago…what a journey! Are there any resources or people you could direct me to in order to receive counsel on how to handle a homosexual church member and their role in leadership?

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Blake,

      Thanks so much for speaking candidly and for being honest about your process. I’m excited to see more and more people becoming thoughtful and intentional in this. I always came from the perspective that I have innate things in me that don’t honor God, and that I could not find anything in Scripture that made room for me to make excuses not to overcome it. I go into that more in the book I’m writing that speaks to how Christians can respond to a loved one’s struggle with homosexuality. I don’t know of any specific resources that discuss homosexual church members in leadership from the angle you are coming from. If you want to connect via the contact form on my website I will follow up with you when I discover things, or be glad to discuss this with you via email. You can connect with me here: http://christymcferren.com/contact/

      Thanks again for being thoughtful. Awesome.

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  • http://www.ordinaryservant.com/ Pilar Arsenec

    What a powerful testimony!!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Pilar! :)

  • HopeUnbroken

    this is so absolutely beautiful. a testimony to the wonder of pursuing a LIVING God. i love your message of hope that must ring true for any of us that read this. makes me want to cling to Him all the more this day. thank you. just. . . thank you.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      “makes me want to cling to Him all the more this day.” // LOVE that. thank you.

  • Michelle

    Absolutely beautiful! Your story is one of grace and power. I think you articulated grace in a way I have never been able to. Grace: God’s diving influence on the heart . . . His faithfulness all those years loving you and wooing you. Your life, your choices, everything is a testimony to the glory of God. Wow, just wow! Praying He continue to bless you and prosper the work of your hands. You are a gift. Thank you for sharing your story (His story) Simply beautiful

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Michelle… humbled and grateful for your words. So true — we serve a God who is jealous over us and pursues us relentlessly. He loves us so much, and that is so cliche until you live it and experience it. It’s indescribable.

  • Faith G

    I really appreciate you, Christy. What an example of bravery and honor you are to me. Blessings-

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      thank you Faith. Your kind words mean a lot.

  • Natasha Metzler

    Such a beautiful, beautiful testimony of grace. May the places that I struggle bring about such a brilliant picture of the love of Christ in my life.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      “May the places that I struggle bring about such a brilliant picture of the love of Christ in my life.” Beautiful! What if we all made that our expected outcome with our struggles!? Revolutionary!

  • JM

    Christy, I read your words with tears in my eyes. My whole life, my whole approach to religion, everything that I believed about God–changed–when my best friend confessed to me that he thought he might be gay and that he was really struggling. I’ve walked a journey with him for over fifteen years now, and reading your words just- oh. Encouraged me. The thing that confronted me when it happened was that homosexuality was no longer a nebulous idea out there in opinion-land that I could pontificate about all day long- it was real, it had a face, and that face was the face of someone I dearly loved as a brother and friend- it changed everything. Your writing here echoes so many of our discussions over the years- reading your words here was like crawling inside his head for a little bit. I can’t wait to send this on to him…he’s married to a beautiful gal and has two kids now…and wow. I’m so glad I chose love. I could have chosen to rush to a lot of conclusions that day, and forced the issue- but for once in my life I feel like I did the right thing- I shut my mouth, I listened, I loved, and I prayed. Thank you so very much for sharing. You bless.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      JM – Thank you…

      “The thing that confronted me when it happened was that homosexuality
      was no longer a nebulous idea out there in opinion-land that I could
      pontificate about all day long- it was real, it had a face, and that
      face was the face of someone I dearly loved as a brother and friend- it
      changed everything.”

      Yes. This. I think it’s safe to say that when the some people in the church don’t seem like they are sensitive to the difficulty of this type of struggle, it’s because it doesn’t have a face for them yet.

      And this.

      “I’m so glad I chose love. I could have chosen to rush to a lot of
      conclusions that day, and forced the issue- but for once in my life I
      feel like I did the right thing- I shut my mouth, I listened, I loved,
      and I prayed.”

      You’re a hero. Thank YOU. And I’m so happy to hear your friend has overcome it.

      • Alena@TheHomemadeCreative

        This post (original comment) made me cry. My brother came out 6, almost 7 years ago. He knew where I stood on the morality of the issue, and was surprised and cautious when he realized I wasn’t going anywhere, nor was I going to treat him like being gay was the only part of his life I could see. He brought up the issue a few times, and while I was gentle, I never lied to him about my belief that the Bible is clear that homosexuality is a sin – and while he didn’t like it, he seemed to understand and accept that my beliefs were not going to change, and that I still loved him every bit as much as I did before he came out. Then last Christmas, everything changed. He came to visit, and to meet my daughter (who was 6 months old). He spent the whole 10 days trying to draw me into all out fights over my beliefs (all of them, not just on this topic), resorting to commenting on the stupidity of people who believe in God (incidentally, he is a practicing witch, and believes in fairies and spells), and tried repeatedly to force me to state that despite my beliefs on the immorality of homosexually, that I supported gay marriage as a basic human right, and that I would promote it in my daily life, blog, and church. In the end, he cut me off. He told me that if I could not accept that “it is morally wrong” to oppose homosexuality in any way, than I was an unsafe person for him to be around. I tried to remind him that in 6+ years I had never once tried to make him change, and that I had done my best to leave the topic dormant despite him bringing it up every time we spoke or saw each other, and that if I had not proven myself someone he was safe with, nothing ever would. He hasn’t spoken to me since last Christmas.

        I’m glad your brother found the light, and won his battle. I pray mine does, too, someday. I am glad you were able to stay silent. I wish he had allowed me that option.

  • LJ

    so beautiful. I teared up reading this. I’m a 19 year old college student and I struggle with my sexual orientation. I know that’s not what God wants for me, and I know His plan for me is beautiful and good, but sometimes it’s really hard to align my heart with what He wants. Thank you so much for these words. It means a lot to read someone else’s journey, and to be reminded that God is indeed faithful.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi LJ, I really understand what you’re going through — to some degree. It’s not an easy journey. It wasn’t as acceptable when I was 19, so from that standpoint, I admire your courage. Thank you for sharing your story, and the bravery it takes to say “I know that’s not what God wants for me” is so rare. He will meet you.

  • denise jones

    Thank you for your vulnerability. You shared your story with honesty and in a way that bring glory to God.

    I fully agree that the deceiver is wanting us to make agreements with him. I know that I have had to break many agreements with the liar and claim the LORD’S truth about me over many areas in my life. I lead my own children to do the same.

    I see a young lady (14) who is wrestling with homosexuality. My 14 yr old son and I fight for her to live in the truth about who God says she is. I want to rescue her from the shame. I will continue to pray for her to break this agreement with satan, and I will also pray that the “affliction will make her a warrior.” God is God, and He is able.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thanks Denise. Love is always more powerful than shame. Keep loving her!

  • Julienne Santos

    I’m having the same struggle you had before and I find it hard to fight. I’m a Christian and I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell it to my Church leaders because I’m afraid on what their reaction might be. :(

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Julienne, I admire your courage to speak of your struggle here. I understand the fear of speaking to your church leaders about your struggle. If you can’t be in process there, you may want to look for a church where you can. They are few, but they are out there. Feel free to message me privately using the contact form on my website if you would like to discuss this more. http://christymcferren.com/contact

    • http://twitter.com/stephaniedrury Stephanie Drury

      Come join our community at http://facebook.com/stuffchristianculturelikes! We wrestle with all this kind of stuff there. You’re not alone in your questions. xoxoxo

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  • Iona

    Hi Christy,

    Thanks for your courageous post. I too have an affliction that I know, through faith in my conviction, to be wrong. My affliction is not same-sex attraction however, it’s food. I am a woman who once weighed 60kg (about 130lbs), and I knew – from all the media I consumed, the magazines I read, the opinions of friends, and men that I was attracted to – that it was not right for a woman of average height to weight this much. I have faith in this truth because I have been told it all my life.

    But thanks to the strength of my (and society’s) conviction, I’ve now reduced my eating to one small meal a day. I have the strength to throw it up often, and I’m thankfully now down to 35kg (about 70 lbs). I don’t have much physical strength these days, but I know, deep in my soul, that my previous weight was not right and good. I am convinced of this, others around me are convinced of this, and it is written in the good book (Vogue). It is true and of this I am convinced.


    (Real name, real story of millions of people out there, real message about the importance of questioning “convictions”.)

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      What an irresponsible thing to say. Vogue is hardly comparable to the Bible, and society’s voice is hardly comparable to the Spirit of God when He speaks.

      • Iona

        This is an interesting point, Christy. Can you describe for me the ways in which God speaks to you?

        • Iona

          Actually, I’ll narrow that down so that we stay on topic: can you describe the ways in which God has told you that homosexuality is wrong?

          • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

            Iona, if your questions are in earnest, I would recommend asking a trusted friend or pastor in your life to
            teach you how you can hear from God. Based on your initial comment, I’m
            not convinced your intentions and inquiry are truly seeking, and I’m not
            going to sacrifice this message of hope to the fire of an intellectual
            debate on whether we can hear the voice of God or not in this forum. I wish you all
            the best in your faith journey.

            • Iona

              Sorry, very late reply I know…

              My question was in earnest. I earnestly wanted to know whether God’s voice came to you via people – and it sounds like it does, considering you’ve recommended I talk to a friend or a pastor (i.e. people). And yes, God as a social construct IS a big topic, so I’m not surprised you’re not up to tackling it. But personally, I find the idea of humankind’s own authorship of the values by which it lives very enlightening and empowering. Especially considering many of those values (which I’m sure you and I share) are so kind spirited.

              Anyway, I’m going to stop typing now because it just dawned on me that your comment implicitly refereed to intellectual debate as some kind of hell pit, and it made me realise how tightly shut your mind is.

  • Israel

    I love that Christy refers to this as a FIGHT. Because it is indeed a fight. I celebrate freedom with you. Blessings

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Israel, thank you. Thanks for fighting.

  • Anonymous

    Wow Christy! That was truly amazing. I started out reading with skepticism but began to soften throughout. I always knew it was possible to fight it and have freedom from it through Christ but to hear your personal story is empowering to minister to others struggling with the same tempations. Thank you for your boldness and sincerity in sharing this story. Before Christ, I struggled with this too but he freed me too:D

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      I love this… “I started out reading with skepticism but began to soften throughout…” That is so honest. And if we were to let our guards down like that, hope would live in so many places. Thanks for sharing!

  • Gfreakj

    Gives me hope. Thanks.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Sweet. :)

  • Ava Fiedler

    Christy: wow…wow….wow….hows transparent and loving your words are! There is no doubt in my mind that our Heavenly Father’s blessings have poured over you because of your obedience! I am grateful for your sharing. I pray God continues to find favor for you, Dan and your beautiful parents. May he protect you and yours and watch over you faithfully.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you, Ava. I really appreciate your prayer. Blessings!

  • Robyn

    Christy, I enjoyed reading your article AND all the comments. Often these testimonies bring out hate and defensiveness from readers, but your writing style really shows love and support toward all people who struggle to overcome all sin and that attitude is reflected back in the comments. May we all be able to show this same love and compassion to all people in all circumstances.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Robyn, yes… it is my great hope that we can all learn to discuss this topic without hostility and with hope. Thanks for reading!

  • A reader

    You’re not the only one with this kind of story. Thank you for having the courage and grace to speak up and give hope to others who wrestle similarly.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      A reader, thank you – there is a swelling of voices from those of us who have fought and overcome. If you would like to join that chorus, I’m working on a project you might be interested in. You can contact me at http://christymcferren.com/contact.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tricia.z.moss Tricia Ziegler Moss

    Wow…praise be to God! This has given me hope to overcome those sinful patterns in my life that “feel” unbreakable. Many thanks for your courage and perserverance in Christ.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you Tricia, so happy to hear it. Bless you!

  • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

    Thank you, Jennifer! I’m so glad it helped you.

  • logan


    At 21 years old i have struggled with this for a while, one of my best friends has walked away from the Lord and is now living with her girlfriend and I just wanted you to know that this was SO encouraging to read and to be refreshed by.
    The link is to a song by Gungor called Beautiful Things. It has also encouraged me to fight sin and reminds me that one day He will make us new.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hey Logan, I’m so glad this was encouraging to you. My early twenties were the hardest, most difficult part of this journey. So much changes, and the fight gets better. Stay in it and you’ll overcome it. God is faithful.

  • 1lori_1

    WOW, I think I commented already, but let me just say, congratulations on the book and for your courage in this battle. It is time the church addressed this issue the right way, with love. I hope you will start a revolution with this, a revolution of love. Bless you, Christy

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hey Lori, thank you so much. I pray a revolution can get underway as well. It’s high time! Thanks for your support :)

  • 1lori_1

    OMGosh…how sweet that your precious Mom and Dad have commented. I think I love them :-)

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Haha, I understand! They are very lovable and precious indeed. :)

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  • Erik

    Wow So Powerful And Beautiful And So Like My Life And The Fight I Am Going Through Right Now I Have A Hunger For God And Know I Also Need His People Help Me Through This You Given Me Even More Hope Thanks

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  • Anon

    Well, then, why did you think that god made you anything less than perfect?
    You were made to be the way you are. Why run from it?

  • Donald M

    Thanks Christy
    I just got through reading your book what a blessing And so very Timely. I am a pastoral counselor and this subject comes up often both with family members and people struggling with same-sex attraction. I feel very honored and blessed that I get to walk with people that are going through the struggle. I have to confess I am so in adequate at times all I know to do some days is pray and cry with them. Your story and your family’s story is very powerful. It gives hope to the people that are hurting, And by the traffic that is coming in and out of my office, there is a lot more people that are hurting in this area then churches care to admit. I look forward to meeting you one day, so that you could come alongside me As we Falster a safe place for families and their loved ones.
    Donald M

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Donald, my dad told me you talked with him the other day. I am grateful for your response and that you find the book will be useful. I look forward to meeting with you too. I’m so thankful for what you do; please let me know how I can help.

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  • http://twitter.com/Csterken Christa Sterken

    Christy! What a raw and intimate glimpse into your life. Thank you for sharing, I know this will move hearts

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Thank you, Christa :)

  • CrimsonJoy

    Christy, everything u say hits home. I struggle everyday ive been in a domestic partnership. I was raised baptist then in later years nondenominatiinal, and all that u say is true. Those in the church who I have come out too are still loving n kind tell me they are praying and they never push. Just this year past ive broke my partnership, ive moved home, and when I can go to church and am embraced by familiarity and love. By family friends and God. Im still struggling w the sexuality but baby steps gt u a whole lot further than giant steps n slipping along the way

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi CrimsonJoy, I am praying for you today. It is a hard path, and many find reasons not to walk it, but that cry in your spirit is real and you’ll find intimacy with God in the sacrifice. I admire your courage and pray your strength will continue to rise. Bless you today.

      • Kate

        That “cry in your spirit” is quite possibly biased guilt rooted in a fundamentalist upbringing. Muslims report feeling a cry in their spirit. Mormons do as well. Which of you are on the path to finding intimacy with a deity? This teaching is divisive and built upon conjecture alone, which puts it at risk of being a dangerous teaching.

  • Kathleen

    I found this article a bit strange. It had that weird, third-person, distanced, vague, no specific details tone that I’ve seen before in the writing of an “ex-gay”. It’s as if they can’t be honest about their life, but are writing as if they are behind a screen or something.

    Here’s an example of this weird impersonal tone. “I fell in love, Deeply. After being caught, her mother gave me a choice.” — Huh? You were ‘caught’ being in love? Is that how you talk about being in love? No details about who you fell in love with or how or why or how long you were together or what attracted you? The writer just rushes through scenarios like this; never describing who they fell in love with, or even giving these people names or characteristics. Everyting is nameless and faceless and blank and undefined.

    Not to be disrespectful to someone who’s just trying to find her way in the world, but the language here — besides being oddly vague and generic — has a very dated feel. It’s like, hello it’s 2013, being gay is not some tragic drama it’s just a fact of life for millions of people. It’s fine if you come to the conclusion that you are heterosexual instead of gay, but you really don’t need to pathologize such a common occurance.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Dear Kathleen,

      I understand your point of view, but I have to say I left out the juice because it’s not the point, and to keep another person’s story discrete. It’s not entirely mine to tell.

      For those who are looking for freedom, they understand the backstory is not important, but the story of the overcoming is. If you’re seeking hope, this article fits. Clearly, that’s not your position, and that’s okay too. Not everyone has to share my story, and I am not “pathologizing” anything. I’m simply, and unapologetically, offering hope for those who are very much like me and do not want to embrace their homosexuality as unfightable.

      Those with your point of view don’t like us talking, belittle our experiences, undermine our stories, and act like we don’t know what it’s *really* like to be gay. And I have to wonder why. You say “not to be disrespectful”, but that’s exactly what it is. If the shoe doesn’t fit, we’re not asking you to wear it.

      Be blessed,

      • Kathleen

        Thanks for your reply, Christy. I admit I’m not sure I really understand your response. I think everyone is entitled to have and tell their stories however they want. I’m just saying that I didn’t get a strong sense of personal authenticity from it.

        I’ve got a lot of lesbian friends, so I’m pretty familiar with how they’re always yakking about how great women are, and how their girlfriend is the most beautiful, funny, charming, brave smart, cool woman ever, and i’ve heard about the sparks and tingling and impatience and desire to be alone and all those in-love feelings — but your story was different, all about shame and humiliation and fear and depression. So I didn’t get a sense of someone who was ever attracted to or loved another woman; and if you were never gay in the first place, there’s no point in being exgay, you can just simply be heterosexual.

        Of course, you’re free to define yourself however you choose. If you publish a story though, you have to be ready for people to see things in the story that you might not have seen or intended. That’s just how stories work.

        • Blair Mulholland

          Kathleen, so you are calling Christy a liar? Why do you think having sex with another woman is not a choice? Isn’t that the very definition of rape, that you have no choice in having sex? Why be so bitchy and nasty about what I read to be a very genuine experience?

  • Onewholoves

    But what would you say to one who fundamentally disagrees with you. While I was struggling to keep my true emotions hidden away, I was never able to know God’s love or ever feel his presence. I always wondered why, even though I had successfully hidden my true orientation from everyone and completely kept from physically acting on it, God still wouldn’t come to me. Then God sent my boyfriend my way, and he was the most Godly man i have ever known. When I was finally truthful to myself about who God made me to be, My life improved exponentially, I found love and connection with everyone I knew, and only now am I confident of my salvation. I honestly find myself saddened by your post, and I feel that although you can convince yourself you are doing the right thing, you are fighting against all that God wishes to lead you to be.

    With all due respect,
    one who loves.

  • Gloria

    Thank you so much for writing this. It is so beautiful. Your testimony is a rare, precious jewel– keep sharing it.

  • http://twitter.com/BelovedWomenMin Beloved Women

    “They didn’t make my sin any bigger than theirs.” What a powerful lesson for all those in ministry!

  • Maria B

    Oh my goodness, Christy. This is so beautiful. Thank you for being so vulnerable. You have blessed me today!

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      So glad, Maria. Thank you!

  • Fortuna Veritas

    Poor Dan.

  • http://twitter.com/shoopscope Kevin Shoop

    Hi Christy, first I want to say that I respect your story and your journey. Being a gay person (or someone you would probably prefer to call “person struggling with same-sex attraction”), I have to admit that my reaction to your post is sadness. More than sadness, I feel anger. I don’t want you to feel “attacked” personally because I know that each person’s journey is their own. I just want to let you know that the assumptions you make about God and about homosexuality are ones that I categorically reject. I also believe that the assumptions you make about God and about homosexuality will cause harm to LGBT youth, especially in the church. I have no doubt you have a heart that desperately wants truth and longs to please God. But you must consider that there is a considerable amount of doubt regarding this issue, even just theologically speaking. (Let alone scientifically.) Homosexuality is NOT a choice. To say so is incredibly misleading and incredibly damaging to LGBT folks. You chose a path of fighting against your sexual identity; you did not choose homosexuality in the first place. I hope that as you share your story and your meet other people, your mind will change regarding God’s heart toward his LGBT children. God loves you no more and no less because you used an iron will to fight your identity. I know I won’t change your mind, but I felt I must speak up. Again, your story is personal and in no way do I wish to disparage your story nor your heart. Please don’t disparage my story and my heart and other LGBT individuals and families by making broad assumptions that God is displeased with us.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Kevin,

      I respect your story and your position. At no point did I make any assumption or indicate in any way God is displeased with you. However, I will tell my story with the same conviction you tell yours, because there are those who wish to fight, as I did. It is not for you to determine whether that will harm them; it is THEIR choice, after all, not yours, or that of the LGBT community. People need to be told it’s Ok to fight if they desire to, and you won’t be able to silence that message on the basis of any emotions, fears, or postulations of harmfulness, which as you say, cannot be proven. You must respect my freedom and the freedom of the many who wish to align with traditional theological interpretations to fight their homosexuality according to their convictions. I speak no condemnation to those who wish not to fight, and want to be at peace with their decision to align more with a theology like that of Justin Lee. My heart is not that we judge or condemn it as sin, it’s that we continue to offer options regarding people’s sexuality. Hope that makes sense and thanks for taking the time to tell your story.


      • http://twitter.com/shoopscope Kevin Shoop

        I understand, Christy. I disagree with you about what you present in your article regarding assumptions about God. It is crystal clear from your article that you believe homosexuality is a sin, so there is no need to try to sugarcoat that or step away from your position. Sin displeases God. In your eyes, I am a sinner because I “choose” to live a “homosexual lifestyle.” We all have the freedom to believe what we want and say what we think is right–but this does not come without consequence. I DO agree with you, however, that it is ultimately up to the individual to decide whether to fight against it or not. In no way do I want to “silence” your story nor your point of view. However, rest assured, I will be speaking up loudly, clearly, and with conviction my own position, just as much as you intend to do with yours. People also need to be told that God loves them. This is NOT a choice. Having said all this, I do sincerely wish you the best in your personal, professional, and spiritual life.

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          Hi Kevin,

          Thanks for your goodwill toward me. I do appreciate it and can tell you’re sincere. I think these kinds of conversations are productive and could possibly build bridges. Here’s the exciting part to me, and something I failed to respond to in your first post—I know that God loves me no more than He would have had I not sought change. I didn’t do it to earn love. I did it because that’s where I found peace in my heart… in offering that sacrifice to Him. And I would not EVER say that God loves anyone any less. Truly loves, as in, would want me to inconvenience myself in order to demonstrate that love in the same way I would for someone who lived by the law to the letter. This particular article is only one stream of a broad message in my heart, and prayerfully that of all Christians—that God indeed takes us as we are and speaks to us individually in ways that bring us into intimacy with Him. It’s not for me to dictate that stream of conversation between you and God, but it is for me to offer the story of hope from my path. I do truly appreciate your stopping by and respect you for where you stand.


        • Blair Mulholland

          If you don’t have a choice, then where is the guy with the gun? You know, the one who makes you have sex with other men?
          If there is no man with a gun, then you have a choice. Live your life how you like, but don’t ever pretend that there aren’t options. Christy chose the harder option, and good for her. God will bless her for it.

          • Carol

            Sexual orientation is not all about who we choose to have sex with. It’s about who we fall in love with, who we connect with on an intimate level, and who we are attracted to (physically and emotionally). I believe that sexual orientation is NOT a choice. I am heterosexual and could in no way decide to become homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or anything within the spectrum other than heterosexual. Could you? whether you would or not does not matter. Could you CHOOSE to be homosexual and fall deeply in love (emotional love) with another man?

            • Alena@TheHomemadeCreative

              Love isn’t about sex. And sex isn’t always about love. But attraction is a natural outpouring of love. Yes, a heterosexual can become so deeply loving toward a dear friend that they become confused about the meaning and nature of that love, to the point that sex can become an issue (or at the very least, sexual desire). Some would call this being bisexual. Others call it friendship gone too far into dependency. I would know.

      • http://twitter.com/oceanskater Brenna Kate

        This is an important point. In 1990, small-town NH, realizing I had same-sex attraction felt like a death sentence. I was not raised in the church. But oh, how I wish someone told me I had options other than to embrace my homosexual desires (which is what I was told was the only option). It would have saved me much pain, brokenness, and heartache.

      • lewr2

        As much as I enjoyed your article and posts preceeding, I have to admit that I found the theology question w/Justin Lee a bit heredoxical. A person can no more snub their nose at God over homosexuality than adultery or being a thief. The theology is that God does HATE all of these things:

        But you yourselves wrong and defraud—even your own brothers and sisters!

        9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous] will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

        It is my opinion based on scripture above, that is treading on very thin ice. If I continue and am deviant in my throwing my fist up at God and TELLING Him what I’m going to do, verse 10 makes it clear what happens.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rhacer Timothy Grant

    Wow, what an incredible and tragic read. Incredible because you communicate what you have been through so very effectively. Tragic that you have chosen to deny who you are.

    Others have posted that it is clear your orientation was a choice. From your writing I say “not so” you knew you were different at age five, so obviously your orientation was not a choice, however, your choosing to repress it was.

    That you would choose to believe your God was so hateful that he would create you a lesbian and then condemn you for that creation is tragic to me.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Hi Timothy, obviously you miss my point. It was the presence of God that changed my heart, not caused me to repress anything. I don’t fight it anymore. It’s still okay in this conversation to have a different perspective, and live a different story, is it not? There is no tragedy for me. I am happy.

      • http://www.facebook.com/rhacer Timothy Grant

        Thank you so much for your reply. I’m not sure different perspectives are always ok Christy, I suppose it depends on the damage to others that the perspective can bring.

        If the presence of God changed your heart, is it fair to say that God made a mistake? He created you one way, then convicted you that your orientation was wrong, so in accordance with that conviction you fought, and apparently fought quite hard to change who you were so you would be “acceptable.” to him?

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          Timothy, I respect where you’re coming from but I think we’ll end up disagreeing whether it’s ok to have different perspectives here. I’m saying it IS ok.

          The main thing the LGBT community has been asking for is an understanding and valuation of equality (not obliteration of others who don’t see things the same way). And I give that. I’m saying nothing to those who don’t want to fight. I’m only talking to those who do. The push for equality, this entire conversation in culture? It’s been about embracing diversity—but here, you are not embracing my diversity on the premise that it will harm others. But what if there are others like me? Who this is the right path for? Should your intolerance silence me? Is there any chance you might be the one that’s wrong, if someone has to be wrong? Do you see where that goes? I doubt you’d concede that you’re wrong any more than I would. So I’m leaving room for your story by not judging you and not speaking for you and not saying God loves you or me any differently. I simply have a story that’s different from yours, and I promise not to quit telling it, because there are people who resonate with it more than they would resonate with your path. Hope that can make sense.

          • http://www.facebook.com/rhacer Timothy Grant

            Once again, thank you for your response. If I can disentangle presentation from perspective for a moment, I believe your presentation gives you a bit of leeway in your perspective. I sense none of the antagonism I regularly sense from people who are on the opposite side of this conversation from me. For that I am grateful.

            Are you willing to address my second point? It was the one I was really trying to make.

            • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

              Hi Timothy, yes, I forgot to address your second point, I’m sorry. The answer, for me, is no, I don’t think God made a mistake. I believe He knew exactly what He was doing when He made me, knowing that I would be attracted to women, and I believe He knew what He was doing when He called me to offer the sacrifice of surrendering my sexuality to Him. From that experience I learned that there is nothing in the heart of man or woman that is greater in power than His presence, and I needed to know that. As it goes with God… He asks the difficult thing of us—and I don’t think that necessarily, globally means that He is going to ask that of everyone who is gay as an immediate point of entry to fellowship with Him, but I do think He’ll ask it of some, and for those, there needs to be the hope of another’s victory. Others may be requested to make other difficult sacrifices, which are of greater concern to God for intimacy. That is something one can only know for themselves, and has to be determined outside the context of societal pressure, either from within the Church or from voices outside it. We have to go in the way our spirit finds peace from within His Spirit, and we have to be discerning about what that means for us in light of the Biblical requirements and prophetic voice of the Spirit in our lives. My stepping stones to the foot of the cross, and to the place of victory where Christ is seated may be different or in a different order than that of someone else who is gay.

              • http://www.facebook.com/rhacer Timothy Grant

                Thank you so much Christy.

              • paul

                Hi Christy,
                I see to reads when it comes to your answer to Timothy’s second question:

                The first read is that you believe there is nothing inherently wrong with being gay. That your decision to “fight” against your sexuality was strictly individual based on your perception of God wanting you, Christy, to “sacrifice” how he had created you for God-sake, not because it was wrong? One story/example that comes to mind is the story of Abraham’s sacrificing Isaac? Well, not quite a fit because in that account God did relent.

                The second read (and I would think you are saying) is that God didn’t create you as gay but ‘foreknew’ you were going to be “attracted to women”? My guess is that you do not believe that one is “gay,” but rather, one chooses to be gay because of having same sex attraction, that you make a distinction? If that is true, where do you believe that attraction comes from?

                Here is what else I read in what you have written (not saying I am right about my read, just what I read).

                1. You believe that God does not want a person to be attracted to the same sex?
                2. Acting on ones attraction to the same sex is “sin”?
                3. While you do not “judge” a person who identifies as gay, you do not believe that that is what God wants for anyone?
                4. You believe God loves everyone equally, but some people are still going to hell (i.e., those who “practice sin” can look forward to “fiery judgement”?

        • lewr2

          Timothy, God doesn’t make mistakes, we do. What we call mistakes are sometimes our own sinful mistakes. Sometimes those sinful mistakes are our own doing, sometimes they’re helped by others, sometimes they’re connected to surroundings, and sometimes they’re mixed together.

          What the bible calls them are trials, tribulations and temptations. I, myself, have many temptations. Temptations are temptations until you make them sinful actions.

          As an example, I can honestly state without any reservations and doubts, that if I was left to my own devices, I would have bedded anything that moved. However, there isn’t ONE person I know who has tried that “FREEDOM”, who is a happy, healthy, normal person. I would dare say, each of them have a drinking, drug or other problems. In fact, a new study came out and stated that over 110M cases of some sort of VD in the United States.

          What that shows me is that if done God’s way… we wouldn’t have 110M VD cases and the US, our healthcare system, families, friends and lovers would be a lot better off.

  • Kate

    Why do you think God cares so deeply about there being “correct” genitalia on the person you love?

  • Kate

    I feel compelled to point out that parents of gay teens read articles like this and tell their children that doing anything less than what you’ve done is failure in the eyes of God. A lot of shame is inflicted on people because of stories like this. I’m glad you feel peace in yourself, but I’m sad that you are indirectly causing turmoil for others.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Actually, Kate, it would not be my fault if a parent misinterprets my story and condemns their child. Unfortunate, yes, but my fault? Not even a little bit. The risk of misinterpretation would silence every writer, every time, and that’s a nonsense argument. But just to address your actual concern, I wrote a book teaching parents how *not* to do that. So I think I have my bases covered.

      • Kate

        I stand by what I said originally. “You are indirectly causing turmoil for others” is a true statement. You wrote these words, and it is likely that people are being harmed by them. I said nothing about it being your fault as though you are inflicting pain intentionally. I see that you aren’t. I guess you’re as prone to misreading what I write as parents are/will be to what you write.

      • Kate

        So you delete comments that aren’t even offensive? Why?

  • ramus

    there are a lot of gay people living straight lives. You are one of them. Your article is very hurtful.

  • Sarah

    Your story makes me very glad all over again that I left Christianity. I’m glad you have this story out there to remind gay Christians who accept their orientation why they’re so glad they were able to love and accept who they are.

  • Lina

    I worry that the use of words such as problem, affliction, battle, failure, wrong to describe homosexuality is going to hurt people. I don’t hear God in this language.

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Help me out then, Lina, how would you have me describe my personally unwanted homosexuality (not speaking for everyone who experiences same sex attraction), without changing my story or using antonyms of the offending words? It’s difficult to appease all concerns, and I’m only speaking of myself in telling my story, but I’m open to your tutelage.

      • Lina

        I have no instruction to offer Christy. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to cope with unwanted homosexuality, and I am glad you have found peace.

  • Tom

    Christy, I am not trying to offend, but I cannot help but be bothered by this article. In replies to previous comments, you said your word choice was only used to demonstrate how you felt about your own struggle with homosexuality, but you use the phrase “socially acceptable PROBLEM” in the opening sentence of this article. Other words and phrases you associate with homosexuality in the article are:
    wrong, taboo, shame, given up, defeat, enemy, affliction, sin, failure, devil, darkness, and enmity with God. If your feelings are as strong as these words suggest, I find it difficult to believe that you can be truly accepting of those who are comfortable with their homosexuality.
    I am a heterosexual, but one of my brothers happens to be gay. While I and my family are all Roman Catholic, we are also very accepting. It is because of an accepting environment, and the fact that my family does not view being gay as a problem, that my brother may not have to face a struggle as long and arduous as yours. Even my grandmother, whom I would consider a very strict and conservative Catholic, does not feel that his sexuality is a sin or in any way shameful. The choice many people face is not whether they are gay or straight, but rather to come-out or repress.
    I feel that fear may have been one of the guiding forces in your struggle, but take your word in that you are currently heterosexual. You describe your “very broken-hearted parents” and “fear of God”. I have been raised to believe that God is accepting of all his children, and feel that my brother’s sexuality will neither anger God or lead to his damnation. I guess what I want to ask is, if your family was more accepting of your homosexuality and there was not this element of fear that seems to have driven your decision making, do you think things may have ended up differently?

    • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

      Simply put, I do find it possible to judge my own heart (using the phrases of my own choosing to describe the feelings throughout my story) without projecting those feelings onto others and interfering in the internal dialogue between their heart and God’s with assessments of their character. I have plenty of gay friends who take no issue with me sharing my struggle with homosexuality from the perspective of my own story. As to your final question, repeatedly through my story I emphasize the fact that no one knew about my struggle and therefore my family had no position about it, thus not being a factor in my decision to fight. That factor was the condition of my conscience before the voice of God alone.

      • Tom

        I can appreciate that your experience with homosexuality is unique, as is everyone’s experience with just about anything in life. It’s just that in conversations with my brother and gay friends of mine, none of them felt that it was a choice, as it is often viewed as being. Also, as an honest question, what specifically was it that made you choose to fight so hard against your former sexuality ?

        • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

          The answer to your question is already given in the article; also, I’ve told as much of my story as I feel the need to discuss. My aim was to give hope; hope has been given to those who feel the same as I do. For those who do not, please feel free to disregard the story. There’s a sense of entitlement to my story in your line of questions that I don’t feel obliged to answer.

          • Tom

            that’s fine

          • Alena@TheHomemadeCreative

            I’m filing away this response, for my own use, as needed. I’m preparing to tell my own story (about different issues), and I’m terrified of these kinds of questions, even knowing that my story needs to be told, and that I have a right to my feelings, memories, and personal conclusions. Thank you for modeling bravery, discretion, and gentle refusal to be pushed around (intentionally or not) by others.

    • pjsr

      What does it mean to be Roman Catholic if one does not accept the church’s teaching? I often hear people say things such as ‘I’m catholic but I don’t believe it’s wrong to… use birth control …have an abortion …get divorced …etc. I can understand persons disagreeing about what the Bible teaches, but if you are Catholic, does that not mean by definition that you accept that the Pope and the Church speak directly for God? Am I misunderstanding this?

  • Chrissy

    Thank you for sharing!

  • Cat

    What a wonderful story. I understand when you mean you chose to fight. My younger sister, from the moment she could talk was a compulsive liar and up until she was in her late 20′s she could not stop. She left a trail of hurt behind her, but we knew that this was part of her, it was inbuilt into her being. Should we say that it is okay for her to be her, because that is the way God made her? I believe in the concept of generational sin, we are a product of our ancestors and their sin. Consequence of living in a sin filled world. When my family came together and prayed for release from the sins of previous generations and asked my sister if we could pray over her, a change happened. She entered into a relationship with God and chose to fight and over the next 2 years she became a new person. She no longer lies and she will tell you how she couldn’t stop, even her thoughts were lies. No she lives in truth and is released from her old self. She couldn’t have changed unless we all surrendered to God and sought his will and not to find peace in our own injured souls. God is powerful, either we believe that and know his love and need to surrender to him all our sins, whether we understand them or not. The scripture is Gods word, we must have faith in Him and His ways, despite what we struggle with.

  • http://www.facebook.com/krtansey Kevin Tansey

    No reason to fight when there is no battle: the problem lies between humanity and homosexuals, not God and homosexuals. Even though humanity can’t get past it’s religious or cultural views, God doesn’t have that issue. He loves me for who I am and the way I am-the way He made me. I grew up with 2 strong father figures in my life: God and my Dad. Me being gay is totally from the womb where God first knew my heart. I know my God and my God knows me.

  • AH

    I’m only coming across this article now…but thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I always knew I wasn’t alone when it came to struggling with my sexuality, but in this “dawning”, as you put it, over the past year in my own journey, I have felt very, very alone. Especially with the strong either/or rhetoric in the church today. This change is a narrow road indeed…and I am washed over with relief to see that I am not the only one on it. Thank you, and thanks be to God.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joseph-Coyle/167700658 Joseph Coyle

    If I may be so bold, this doesn’t sound like a struggle against lesbianism. It sounds like a struggle against codependency. I’m a former raging codependent so I can relate to that process of hanging on every emotion and whim of another person. Plenty of women try to find their validity as women in relationships with men as do many men with women. This isn’t an orientation problem. It’s a problem of self hatred and a lack of self acceptance. I’m more at peace and more whole as an out and gay man than I ever was as a “struggling” Christian. I am still Christian.

    I appreciate your sharing because I understand this experience very intimately.

  • Allie

    You’re a great writer, but I don’t think homosexuality is always a sin. To force people to fit inside a little box that has been handed down over years and years is actually disgusting to me. Surely you know what trying to fit into that box feels like. As for me, I don’t want to live my entire youth, and even beyond, clinically depressed and suicidal. I also don’t want to be celibate and I am not attracted to men, so if I tried to conform to those molds, I would be miserable. I’m not going to say what you did wasn’t right for your life, but I do not think it applies to everyone else’s situations.

  • Meleah Bishop Allard

    Wow Christy, God has given you an amazing gift!! I LOVED the analogy about the light. SO true. Your story sounds similar to mine (www.newbeginningsupport.org) Thank you for sharing it. I’ll be sharing with my clients!!

  • MJ

    I don’t think I’ve ever been more encouraged by someone’s struggle with this particular sin. Thank you so much for sharing it. I know millions need to hear it. I’ll share it in my little corner of the world at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity. Praying for the light to get brighter and brighter, leading many others to freedom!

  • CrimsonJoy

    Do u lose yer salvation if u r gay. I had a friend who basically told me since im gay I wont be in heaven. But I was raised that once u accept Christ into your life n he lives within u no matter what Happens or what sins u commit his salvation n love is neverending.granted when u sin consequences will incur but is God really gna take my free gift of salvation back. I dont feel in my heart that he will.
    Could u shed some light on it

  • Liz

    So much of what you said could be applied to anyone in any stage of life. While I do not share the same struggle, I feel encouragement all the same in the sins that trip me up time and again. Thank you for writing this :)

  • Gabriela

    This is so screwed up and shows just how much the person suppressed herself. If God loves you no matter what then it shouldn’t matter what your sexuality is. You didn’t make a choice to not be gay, you would beat yourself mentally and emotionally every time you felt attraction. Like a lab rat that eventually learns to avoid pain by doing what the scientists or in this case “higher power” expected it to. It is heartbreaking that her parents threw her out, and it is disgusting that someone else forced her to either tell her parents or be forcibly outed before she was ready. But this article isn’t empowering, its damaging for the many who are struggling everyday because this tells them that they’re wrong and “broken” when there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. If any commenters who are reading this are struggling with their sexuality, let me tell you now. You are perfect. You’re not broken and nothing is wrong with you. I love you, and if your God is love, then he loves you too just the way you are.

  • God

    Rather than telling young people to fight an un-winnable fight simply because you managed to, after years of torturing yourself, convince yourself that you are attracted to men, how about doing something more constructive? I noticed in your article you mentioned your Baptist upbringing. I’m not sure if you’re a Southern Baptist, but I hope you’re aware that, if you are, that had you been born a few decades earlier, your upbringing would have reflected a deep hatred and disgust toward people of different races who love one another. Keep that in mind when you are thinking about same-sex love and attraction.

  • Momof2boys

    Great testamony. I think he all have a certain sin the wages a battle within that we struggle with. I have a question as a parent: I have a 5yo boy that since he was 2 has said he wants to be a girl. He asks to wear dresses and says he wants to change into a girl. We don’t give big reactions, but talk to him about how God made him a boy and special just the way he is. We want to shepherd his little heart and raise him to be a Godly young man. Is there any advice you’d lend to a parent that can help these conversations to a child that may have this struggle? As a child would it have helped you if this was a subject talked about in your home? I don’t want to cast shame or fear into my boys about sins. I want them to be able to openly talk about them, because we all have them, so I can help direct them back to the cross. Thanks for any advice!

  • Ryan

    This is absolutely ridiculous. Being gay is not simply a choice one makes at birth. Fighting your sexuality is not going to change it, only your mindset on it. Giving up isn’t giving in to the person you are, its giving in to what is expected of you by others. I am 100% straight, but I strongly believe that being gay or straight is a way a person is born, not a choice in life. To attempt a change in the way you were born is to give yourself up to social expectations. The belief that being gay is against God’s will was created by humans. Would you not agree that you are exactly the way God wanted you to be? So why would he create someone flawed, then be disappointed with his own work?
    These feelings are not yours, nor are they belonging to any God. They are the carried over traditions of peoples in the past who were even more intolerant than the peoples of today. To change yourself for others is not okay. That is giving up. That is giving in. That is giving away who you are.

  • Ash.

    I love the self-work you did to come to all these eye-opening revelations. Though homosexuality isn’t MY particular struggle, the lessons you’ve shared reach a NUMBER of believers in various stages of various struggles. Truly awesome. This post is something I’ll carry with me for a lifetime. Peace to you!

  • Charissa McPherson

    This is an absolutely amazing story!! Praise God for his faithfulness in the fight!!

  • Donald Chalmers

    Dear Christy

    That which is of God in Me, greets that which is of God in Thee.

    I found your blog “On Homosexuality” at Prodigal Magazine through my research on “things I have learned in my life” (my user entry as “apipertoo” has ceased to work, and I wondered “why”), and agree that it’s OK to fight the Good Fight, with Love. That’s the fight I’ve been having for many a good year now.

    I am no stranger to religion, nor to the many religions there are in this world, each claiming to champion “The Truth” – about God and God’s Creation.

    “Creation” includes the universe, our solar system, our earth, and, in the due course of time, even “us” – though we are black, white, brindle, male, female, tall, short, thin, fat, hetero and homo etc – along with a host of other plants, animals (vertebrate and invertebrate), birds, fish etc, upon which we depend for our continued existence.

    Another result of my research was that I found another issue that I had responded to as “a piper too”; I note that one of your respondents (Ken 8 months ago) has also referred to this, saying “a friend’s child was born years ago with both male and female reproductive organs. Doctors told them they should make a choice and have surgery on the baby immediately. They did so, and it was only a dozen or so years later that they believed their choice had been correct, as they heard their son’s voice begin to change. Until that time, they were unsure. Given even that secondhand experience, both choice and birth seem to be possibilities for persons who are gay. That added to other experiences, plus your story, all convince me that the biggest error believers make is that of judgement.”

    Today we have the medical and scientific knowledge to explain how it happened, and how often it happens, as reported at http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/forum/archive/index.php/t-39516.html:

    “Both Nadir and Ahmed were born with a rare birth defect called male pseudohermaphrodism.
    Deficiency of the hormone 17-B-hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase (17-B-HSD) during pregnancy left their male reproductive organs deformed and buried deep within their abdomens.

    At birth, doctors identified Nadir and Ahmed as girls, because they appeared to have female genitalia.

    As a result, they spent the first 16 years of their lives dressing and acting like girls. It was a role that grew increasingly difficult to play, as they hit puberty and their bodies began generating testosterone, resulting in facial hair and increasingly masculine features.”

    Fresh from attending and speaking up for equality at CPWR’s 5th Parliament, I responded as follows on the 26th December 2009:

    “Dear All at Nigeria Village Square

    This article has very much to do with why I joined your online community as a “One World” citizen, and became active as “a campaigner for equal rights within religion”, and spoke as a panelist at the 5th Parliament of the World’s Religions recently. This was held in my hometown of Melbourne Australia from the 3rd – 9th December 2009.

    Through the wonders of the modern internet I was able to read for the first time of the homophobia sweeping Nigeria, aided and abetted by religious leaders, both Christian and Muslim, who claimed that such “behaviour” was “unAfrican”, and what is more “unhealthy” etc, so that legislation was to be introduced to the Nigerian Parliament which would criminalize homosexual acts – even between mutually consenting adults.

    You can read about my “activism” in bringing this question into public notice at http://www.wound-wisdom.tk , http://www.myspace.com/a_piper_too , http://wound-wisdom-letters.blogspot.com , http://wound-wisdom-poetry.blogspot.com , and http://www.thingsihavelearnedinmylife.com/users/apipertoo .

    You can also read my blogposts and one submitted article from 10th January 2009: http://nigeriavillagesquare.com/forum/blogs/a-piper-too/world-our-village-506 etc, through http://nigeriavillagesquare.com/forum/blogs/a-piper-too/reiters-block-transformation-1196 to the present, and hopefully, into the future.

    I have not received any response to my emailed appeal to Archbishop Akinola and to the Speaker of the Nigerian Parliament etc (see http://wound-wisdom-letters.blogspot.com ), and have recently also submitted an article to NVS (24/12/09) regarding legislative changes proposed for Uganda, which attempt to drive a wedge between family members – and which would criminalize (even) the non-reporting of “gay” siblings/children etc.

    But I trust that you will bring the above article re “gender identity in Gaza” to your leaders’ attention, for this “proves” (as I’ve already submitted) that “all of us are uniquely created, and both male and female – inside”. No judgment by an “outsider” is required. And given our medical and scientific advances which prove this to be the case, intimidation by “mob” majority of minority homosexuals and transgendered persons is the greater “sin” – to be abhorred by religious people, and certainly also, by non-religious people. Anything less than love is not holy, for “there is no hate in love”.”

    I feel sure that you will also have read of the 2010-2012 journey of South Africa’s Olympian Caster Semenya, which should cement this understanding in your mind’s heart, where God the Creator resides, “within” each and every “one”. Truth speaks through science (though only in so far as science has penetrated each mystery), not necessarily through religion. We may think we know “All”, but we don’t, and never will.

    In the meantime, it is only right to acknowledge the supremacy of the “Golden Rule” which is known in all religions and philosophies worthy of the name, and that “Love (the union of equals) is the immutable foundation on which to build anything which is of enduring worth.”

    As far as it concerns us and our understanding to date, we are made from the stuff of stars. Our common ancestry tells us much, and should be respected. If we are able to love others without calling into play ploys for power over others, then we will have achieved that “heaven on earth” that we all aspire to, and “we” will get along with each other, doing what we love best, “loving our neighbour as self” (which IS “loving the Lord our God with all our hearts, mind and strength).

    We will not then do to others that which we would hate for our own selves.

  • Justin

    Hey Christy,

    This is something that, like you, I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. After encountering Christ, the issue disappeared at first, only to reappear in full force within a year. I have pleaded with God to free me from this time and again, but it was only when I read this testimony that I felt God speak to my heart and release me. Thank you so much for writing. Praying for you and hope God continues to use you as a vessel for the gospel.

    • Tee

      Hebrews 12

      4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

      “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

      and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

      6because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

      and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”a

      7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

      12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13“Make level paths for your feet,”b so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

  • http://www.thoughtsofachristiangirl.com/ Thoughts of A Christian Girl

    Powerful testimony my sister!!! Whew it has me stirred up in the spirit. God is so good and you are beautiful. I would love to share your story on wholemagazine.org with your permission. Thanks!

  • Jason Hunt

    Ma’am, you are a warrior.

  • Jenni :Lee

    Thank you! It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who fought it, and that others can fight too.

  • Rev. Dyke

    This is disgusting. Homosexuality is not a sin. It grieves me that you would crush your own sexuality to acquiesce to socio-cultural pressures within the church.

    • Noparties4me

      What Bible are you reading from?

  • Cody Cook

    Thanks for sharing, Christy! I’m curious as to what you’d say to people who have left behind the idea of sexual orientation conversion (as Exodus did recently). There seems to be some consensus that this approach is ineffective. That being said, I realize that human sexuality is fairly fluid. There are many people (I’ve met some) who may identify as gay or straight, though they could also have an enjoyable relationship (even the sexual part) outside of their general orientation. However, sexuality also seems to be a continuum. There seems to be many gay-identifying people on a far end of that continuum that could not live out a healthy, consistent heterosexual life truthfully. Is it perhaps psychologically damaging to commend the idea of conversion to them? If not, is it more loving to commend celibacy or welcome them into the church as they are, though perhaps acknowledging that their situation is not ideal and even a product of a fallen world?

  • James

    Thank you so much for this. It’s nice to hear and be told its okay to fight it. I get so bogged down sometimes. This article has refreshed me.

  • Amy

    I have no doubt that you wrote this article with good intentions, with heart, with passion, with love and conviction. I respect you for that immensely. I also respect your experiences and the lessons that you’ve gleaned from them, realizing they are not my own and they will never be. But this broke my heart as I was reading it. I am someone who has tried to fight this fight since my early childhood in every way that I know how (i.e., prayer, surrender, scripture reading, involvement in church community, etc.). I knew it would take grace and dedication and sacrifice to “overcome” my sexuality and I was ready for the long haul. I had the knowledge and I tried desperately to apply it. And then I tried not to try, knowing that I had to rely on Christ’s strength and not my own. Years went by and I didn’t feel any change. What I did feel was shame, guilt, estrangement, depression, isolation, and significant discouragement at the thought of maybe never truly experiencing deep, heart-felt, intrinsic (to me) romantic love. And these feelings were powerful enough to start to break me down. I left the church community – I became angry and resentful and started treating Christians with scorn and criticism – the very ways I complained about them treating me.

    Then I finally let go. I stopped trying to manipulate my feelings and label myself. I stopped trying to stop liking women. And it was then and only then that I started to breathe. I experienced deep contentment, freedom, grace, self-acceptance. I started noticing my compassion for others increasing in very obvious, significant ways. Ironically, it seemed that I started experiencing what I imagine the Christian life can feel like in its fullness.

    So I write this response for people in the LGBT community who have had a different experience with their sexuality and their faith than you may have had, but a no less life-giving one. I write this because the only messages I feel like I hear from the Church are those that say something like this: “We love you if you’re gay BUT…” There are always undercurrents, stipulations, subtle judgments. Messages that perpetuate the ideas that we haven’t tried hard enough or sought Christ enough. And that is terribly painful. I am someone who craves hearing a message from the Christian community that feels truly affirming of me, without condition or expectation. So I guess I’m writing the response to this article that I wish I would have stumbled upon in the comments section as I was trying to find some common ground here. I am trying to give voice to those of us who have fought (and are fighting) but whose victories may look different.

    Even though we have different experiences in this area, I sincerely thank you for your story and for your courage in sharing it. You have opened up quite the platform for a discussion that desperately needs to happen and that is invaluable.

  • Dave McGee

    I don’t even.
    Just accept who you are ffs.

  • mandy

    this was the most beautifully gracious posts I have ever read on this topic. As a Christian, who has tried to explain my stance of homosexualtiy to liberal friends, I get called judgemental before I can open my mouth. These are friends who attempt tpo engage me in my conversations on my views. I think some people’s hearts are simply hardened to the love of Christ. It is not my job to convict, but to love despite. I believe they are so defensive they don’t hear my real words.You are an amazing woman, and I thank the Lord for allowing you to be broken, in order that you may truely made whole.

    • Alena@TheHomemadeCreative

      I understand what you mean, Mandy. I will not change my beliefs to please even those I love, but I don’t walk around yelling about them, either, and I treat my gender-different family and friends the same as I do anyone else I love. But sadly, none of them seem to be willing to look past my belief that the Bible clearly indicates that homosexuality and sexual deviance are wrong, to the fact that I accept that they disagree and have the God-given right to make their own choices, right or wrong.

  • DMH

    I’m still fighting, and it’s different from your story. As a man in maturation who has a nonreligious relationship with god, but has had to for years break out of the confusing religiousness of our media consumer paradigm (what’s left for a lonely ill boy), I have learned so much about not who I am, but what I was forced to be. And the simple man coming through now, on and on, has enough peeled layers in the bucket to perhaps serve those with the volition to change. Everyone’s fight is their own unique establishment of faith and clarity, and as god made us, of self. Thanks for sharing your victory.

  • Tim

    I wish I could give you a big hug right now. As a 17-year-old boy fighting homosexuality in this changing society, reading stories like yours gives me so much hope and makes me excited for what God has in store for me. Many blessings to you and your husband, Miss Christy. And thank you. :)

  • YourStandardIsNotGods

    fighting describes war. and many battles, won and lost, consist of war. wonderful to hear of your victory. too bad macklemore didn’t read this before his song writing.

  • Chad

    Hi Christy,
    Thank you for sharing your story. Its great that you felt like you had a choice to not be gay anymore. In my own experience and every other gay person I have spoken with – the fight has a different focus. It is focused not on learning to fight against your sexuality (as most of the time it doesn’t change – Christian or not) but fighting to know God in the midst of the struggle. God brings wholeness and completeness, despite your sexuality. But thank you for your story.

  • Jordan Foster

    Self denial always feels good. But begins to hurt in the end like a splinter. Call it god, or whatever. You’ve gotta be who you were meant to be. Not fearful of the hell fire and brimstone. Live life your way and on your terms. No one or “being’s” but yours. THAT is a life well lived. “God made you what you are, so why would he want you to be something other than you are. Why would he want you to pretend you are something you are not, because your heart is what God made . And so, our
    responsibility to God, however difficult it is, is to be what we are. To be present, not to put up a facade that makes us feel safer. It’s not always easy.”- Dave Mathews

  • proud lesbian

    I think this is just a ‘new’ form of homophobia; I won’t be visiting this site anymore!
    Some people are happy to be gay or lesbian. Why did you have to fight it Christy?

  • Fred C. Rochester

    Very powerful and insightful. Very few persons, including me truly understand the fight to reclaim God’s original gender inside a person. You capture this with a powerful understanding from the wisdom of God. We thank God for your testimony.

  • bakerds

    I really appreciate hearing your testimony, Christy. I am curious to know if you believe there are other avenues for homosexuals who want to live godly lives, such as celibacy. peace…

    • Tee


      This is something I wrote to another user who was asking Christy a similar question.

      I think the answer is leave your old life and follow Him literally, making Jesus the sole center of your life and every decision you make.
      I have found that seeking God’s calling to serve Him in His kingdom has changed my life radically. Have you considered surrendering your life completely to Him heart, soul, mind, body and everything you have. Be like Peter. When He calls you, just go. Has He called you to missions? Has He called you to visit the poor? Give your life to Him like Peter and He will take you all over the world! Instead of waiting to be healed. Jesus said: come with me. Peter only became transformed after 3 years of following Jesus and after he denied Jesus three times, repented and after he witnessed Jesus resurrected. Jesus will show us His full plan for us when we first start following Him first to wherever He wants. There, He will show Himself to you in the wilderness. He will challenge and refine your heart and soul. There, you will be transformed. Becoming a servant and serving His people will change you more than you can imagine. He will go with you! Pray pray pray to Him. May He bless you!

  • 4172049

    This makes me so incredibly sad for you and for other young people. God loves everyone, straight or not, and His heart would break to hear that you fought so hard to change the way He made you in order to fit into some strict definition of love and sexuality that some Christians believe is the only right way.

    • Tee

      4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

      “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

      and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

      6because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

      and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”a

  • Emphatic Grace

    I love it, I love it, I love it… such a beautiful testimony.

  • Amanda

    Your story is no different from my son’s fight with drug addiction. In the end it is a story, not about the deed committed but a lifelong testimony of your hanging onto God and His wonderful changing grace. What a privilege that you had the courage to follow it through and you know how much God loves you.

  • Ethan

    This is an earnest and thoughtful article, but it is also dangerous. McFerren paints heterosexuality as the only righteous option. Using language like “making a deal with the devil”, she equates homosexuality with sinfulness, and presents a fight against it as the only true and pure option, and that is wrong. This characterization is the kind of thing that shames gay kids and pushes parents of gay children to try and enforce change. Just because you felt shameful and wrong does not mean that homosexuality is shameful or wrong, and it is irresponsible to portray it as such. It is ok for you to be straight now. But it’s also ok if you are gay, and you shouldn’t be driven by shame if you are.

  • Ethan

    Christy, do you delete all of the comments that you are uncomfortable with, or that challenge your point of view? I just posted a thoughtful and concerned response and it’s just disappeared… what gives?

    • Alena@TheHomemadeCreative

      I’d say that since this post is riddled with comments ranging from polite disagreement to deliberate rudeness, it was probably a computer glitch.

  • Gregory Smith

    I thank and praise God that he formed me perfectly, in his image. And that means that his creating me gay was not a mistake and it is not “sin”. I am proud of who I am and the fact that God has created me different from everyone else. And I KNOW that he has the perfect man waiting to create a monogamous, relationship with me for the rest of our lives.
    It was, for a long time, a fight to listen to God through the haze and yelling of the Independent Fundamental Baptists who have coopted the Bible and interpret it to say what they want it to say. But I finally listened to that still small voice of God who says “I love you how I created you. I made you perfect. Why are you trying to ruin my creation and change it into something I did NOT have planned for you.” Once I listened to God instead of man, then I found my peace with the way he created me.

  • AJ

    super encouraging. thank you!

  • mrcaron

    whoa. This was very wonderful to read. Thank you for sharing your heart. I’m going to get this book!

  • Moriah

    Homosexuality is not a choice. Neither is heterosexuality. But choosing to lie to yourself is. God’s Will is not to hate homosexuals–just as it isn’t his Will to deny women their lives, or allow men to marry and take concubines, and not his Will to stone those who disobey. All Scriptured laws. Times change, how we view Scripture changes–if you eat lobster, if you wear polyblends, you know that, because those were punishable offenses as well. Jesus never said He wouldn’t love gay people. And your battle against homosexuality is a battle against nature. I’m sure I, a straight woman, could battle with myself to ACT homosexual against my desires, but that doesn’t make me gay. If you’re gay, you’re gay even when you don’t act on it. And God thinks that’s beautiful, because that’s who He created you to be. Why would you question Him and struggle against Him so much? Because of the Scripture written by a man who never received His word? You’d believe that over Jesus’s word? Don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate homosexuality. Don’t hate at all. God, and Jesus, are Love. Not hate. You can’t have both.

    • Tee

      We don’t hate homosexuality-believing people. I do not label them as homosexuals, either. We are all sinners. That’s what we believe. We believe we are broken and need Jesus to break us and remold us into our original authentic self.

      Yes, we can have natural tendencies, but because the entire nature is fallen natural tendencies can be broken. Stop lying to yourself and think we hate people. This is all in your mind. I grieve over my sins of impatience and pride whenever also. I, too, was trapped in desires for abusive man, which I believe is sin and bondage. But do I hate myself, no. I grieved I pray for God to teach me through His word and reform my heart, also. I also am a sinner who has lusts sometimes. But through building a relationship with Christ and following Him around the world learning to serve others, how much He has shown me the beauty of truly loving others and being loved by Him and used by Him! He is renewing my heart day by day. I’m truly so satisfied by His holiness. Now, that kind of man just seriously turns me off!

      There is hope for those who do not sell their birthright to fleshly desires but choose Jesus Christ. Only those who will lay down their lives to follow Jesus will be forgiven. This is a challenge, but well worth it.

  • Ellen Weisberger

    You are one brave and amazing woman! Thank you for this article.

  • Alena@TheHomemadeCreative

    Thank you for writing this, and for your gentle transparency. I have family members and friends who I love deeply, that I hope will read this.

  • Emily

    This is heart-breaking. After all the prejudices and mistakes humanity has made in the name of religion, one would think we would learn from the past. I pray that God opens your heart to His true grace and love. We are made in the image and likeness of Him and we are perfect in His eyes.

  • Jill

    Wow. You’ve just given more parents of gay children a chance to tell them they haven’t tried hard enough, that they really don’t know who they are or who God created them as. I know this is your personal story…but all of our lives affect one another’s. That’s what the church is all about –> community, is it not?

  • Finn

    Sorry, but if you’re gay you’re gay. No ifs and buts around it. The only choice you’re making is not to act on your attractions, but they are definitely still there–which makes you a lesbian. Welcome and enjoy your wonderful life loving people–not genders.

  • Morkelebmink

    Fight what? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being homosexual. Do you really think the creator of the universe if he/she/it exists cares who you love? So long as you LOVE.

  • Ricardo

    Dear Christy, I don’t even know how I ended up in this website reading your blog, but thank God I did. I’m a 39 yo man who struggles with same-sex attraction for over 25 years. Like you, I’ve had ups and downs, I’ve tried gay relationships, but something inside me, my love for God, and Jesus as the centre of my life, keeps telling me is not what He has for me.

    Some of my close friends have found a balance between being gay and Christian, but I just can’t seem to do that without feeling I’m disappointing He who has created me to fulfill a purpose.

    Without pouring my heart out here, I thank God for your blog, as it helped put words to my feelings, realize I’m not alone, and encouraged me to seek help as I’m exhausted of feeling this guilt, this loneliness.

    Do you know of a Christian support group in Dallas?

    • rn

      Wishing you the best in your journey toward freedom! May the Lord bless you for your obedience to His word and trusting Him completely!! The word says, we must decrease that He may increase. This includes those things of the flesh that are not of Him!

    • Tee

      Dear Ricardo,

      If I may say something here. I have found that seeking God’s calling to serve Him in His kingdom has changed my life radically. Have you considered surrendering your life completely to Him heart, soul, mind, body and everything you have. Be like Peter. When He calls you, just go. Has He called you to missions? Has He called you to visit the poor? Give your life to Him like Peter and He will take you all over the world! Instead of waiting to be healed. Jesus said: come with me. Peter only became transformed after 3 years of following Jesus and after he denied Jesus three times, repented and after he witnessed Jesus resurrected. Jesus will show us His full plan for us when we first start following Him first to wherever He wants. There, He will show Himself to you in the wilderness. He will challenge and refine your heart and soul. There, you will be transformed. Becoming a servant and serving His people will change you more than you can imagine. He will go with you! Pray pray pray to Him. May He bless you!

  • Angelo Olegna

    Homosexuality is not a choice; as you so clearly demonstrate. Noone chooses to have homosexual desires and inclinations. You can, of course, go against your natural inclinations. Priests and holy men and women do this all the time by going celibate. That doesn’t mean that heterosexuality itself is a choice. Simply how you express or suppress your sexuality.

    You can do whatever you want. Pretend to be straight, go celibate, or be who you truly are. This screed, however, is detrimental to those of us who are not self-hating homosexuals. Those of us who don’t feel the need to prostrate ourselves before a deity and a culture that vilifies, demonizes, and puts terrible pressures on us. You are giving ammo to people who think that we can all simply decide to be gay or not. Which is, as you know, a complete and total lie.

    You should be ashamed for your self-deception; which enables and justifies the attitudes of your “Christian” readers. Instead of facing the truth about yourself, you give the go-ahead for others to oppress.

    As a gay man; I have absolutely no sympathy for your “struggle”. It’s the same struggle all homosexuals have to go through. Most of us come to terms and develop a healthy understanding of who we are. You, unfortunately, have made a choice. Not a choice of your sexuality; but a choice to view your innate sexuality in an extremely unhealthy way.

    • Tee

      I disagree. I was attracted to abusive men. I made the decision against my desires and now I am full of joy and peace in Jesus Christ. According to your twisted logic, whatever is existing is correct. Then I suppose all people who hire prostitutes should continue. All people who have a desire to cheat should continue cheating. Alcoholics and incest should continue. Child abusers should declare they are in LOVE with children. What about natural illnesses and psychological diseases. We live in a sinful world. You are sinful whether you want to call yourself healthful or wonderful. Christians believe we are all sinners because we have seen this world and we know it is not supposed to be this way. In everyone’s heart, there is a hole. Some try to fill it with human relationships, some fill it with drugs, others with shopping, still some with satisfying the surface. But God has called those who will repent to come live with Him and not settle for lies of the devil. I hope someday you can repent and know you are in need of Him as well.

  • trevor

    seems to me like you’ve chosen to listen to a book written by humans, instead of the signals coming from your God-given body. God made you as a homosexual, and you are a beautiful creature for it. no wonder rejecting His plan for you caused so many years of anguish and torment – you weren’t satisfied with the body He gave to you? instead of giving thanks, you spent years rejecting the plan He had for you? your only legacy is giving credence to lawmakers who seek to restrict the rights of a group of American citizens.

    • Joanne Beange

      God does not create homosexuals. He made them male and female at the beginning and brought them together as husband and wife. Christy has had a struggle with sin, that is all. And she is overcoming it in the power of God, one step at a time, one struggle at a time, one success at a time. We all have our struggles with sin, whatever kind they may be, and we can learn from Christy’s example how to be an overcomer :-)

    • Tee

      Why do you lie?
      God clearly gives us beautiful male and female bodies which obviously work together scientifically and harmoniously. There is no such thing as a homosexual body.

  • Susan Speicher

    I have fought this fight as well (among a few others), thought not the on the same scale, and I thank you for your bravery. It is hard to tell people deeply personal struggles, and know that many people will demean you for it, and how terrifying it is to stand up for what I believe in, and face rejection because I personally know it’s a choice. You said several things that are big to me, like God’s love and grace for us even when we are a work in progress. It’s so HARD to be fighting not to sin, and be truly repentant, and then to fall and sin again. It makes it hard for me to repent, because if I fell before, I might fall again. Is my repentance hypocritical if I cannot do as God says and “sin no more?” But you are right, He didn’t say, I forgive you only if you never sin again. He said “Your sins are forgiven, go and sin no more.” He forgives again and again, and hopefully, someday my struggle against sin won’t be as difficult. I truly want to be free of the sins that keep me from knowing Him better. Thank you for you fight, you love, and your courage to share this.

  • Gyen

    This is awesome, Christy, just awesome. Some people need to hear this and not many are willing to give them hope like you are.

  • Karen Vaughn-Davis

    this is an awesome testimony To the power of God and His ability to change people…

  • Ian MacKenzie

    Good work suppressing who you really are for a 2000 year old religion. Hope you’re happy in heaven.

    • rn

      Sad that you won’t be with that attitude! Heaven is real! Check out the new movie on it!!

  • WallyGee

    Read the literature – virtually all species studied exhibit some small percentage of non-normative sexual behavior. It is part of nature. In my opinion, it is not worth our time to worry about. One billion people go to bed hungry on this planet. Twenty million people are enslaved, many of them as sex slaves. THOSE are the kinds of social sins that should drive us to righteous anger, and moral action. Unfortunately, our religious text commands slaves to “obey their masters”. We need the courage to admit that ancient religious texts do not always get it right. We no longer tell slaves to “obey their masters” — we do everything in our power to help free the slaves from the raw evil of their captors, not “obey” them. Similarly, we need to understand that sexual orientation is not about “sin” but about the complex world of nature and genetics. The more we understand about genomics and normal deviance, in all animal species, the more we can focus on fixing the real problems of this world.

    • Tee

      Yes, we know it’s part of nature. But it is part of a fallen nature. Alcoholic tendencies are natural for some, but it doesn’t mean it is not bad.
      Could we just stop making the debate about homosexuality alone? The point should be that we are ALL 100% fallen by nature. Our whole person needs to be saved by Christ Jesus who will save us if we only trusted Him as much as we insist things must obey our desires!
      Whether you are homosexual or not, you are still a sinner like everyone else. In fact, without Christ, we all go to hell for every sin big and small. There is no point insisting part of your behavior seems legit or not. Christ has already shed His blood. Whether you like to be washed completely or not, it is your choice. But stop arguing with Christians about what is sin or not. We are coming from the Bible. You are coming from what you think. How can there be any agreement? You will never be able to convince us, simply because we cannot lie about the truth as provided by our God’s Word.

  • tricia segar

    Christy, I found your testimony compelling. There are several absolutely profound statements that will speak top every heart in any struggle…giving up/ to grasping hope and the incremental difference between morning and noonday! Thank you so much for sharing!

  • Jay

    This is exactly what I needed to read as a new christian. I am a 16 yr old girl and felt I was the only strong believer in Christ having a battle with homosexuality. But this blog has made me stronger for another day and I thank you very much for posting this. You are truely awesome.

    • Tee

      I’m not homosexual, but I have problems with being attracted to a certain type of man who will abuse me. I’ve found it is similar. I have found that we must fully surrender ourselves, be willing to give up everything and keep our eyes on Christ Jesus. As long as my attention is on Him, I have never sad or alone. I feel so happy I really don’t even mind if I don’t ever get married. Total surrender, nothing held back. Give Him your morning first thing in quietness pray over everything you will do that day. He will be with you.

  • Jared

    This is such a great example of overcoming any form of addiction, whether it is drugs, eating disorder, pornography, etc. Any sin that we find overwhelming. There are many good lessons here.

    • Jason

      Its not a sin! Loving someone male or female is NOT a sin!

      • Tee

        Desiring someone is not the same as loving someone.

  • http://altarofheaven.wordpress.com/ arcelia

    This is beautiful and I’m thankful you shared!

  • Cecily

    Thanks for sharing! I’m working towards a teaching degree and this is something that comes up a lot that I don’t really know how to handle alongside what I believe God’s word says. I have a couple questions for you if you have the time.

  • Nick

    I’m aware that this thread is old.

    Coming from a similar background I do pity you, instead of educating and accepting yourself as a perfectly normal human being as I did, you instead leaped off the cliff of ignorance, delusion and denial.

    You and I both know that it’s impossible to change/control your attractions, not acting on them doesn’t mean the attractions arnt there.

    I apologise in advanced for I really have nothing nice to say.
    Although I do hope hope you come to terms with yourself and reality in the most painless way possible I’m well aware on the affects of religious brainwashing can have on people like us.

    Yet, I cannot sit here and allow you to spew out your ignorance and delusions, poisoning the young delicate minds of these kids.

    Here are the facts.

    You cannot change or control your attractions.

    You cannot ‘pray the gay away’.

    You are not a mistake, broken or in the wrong.

    Finnaly there is no god, he does not exist to disapprove of the way ‘HE CREATED YOU!’

    I bet you MY LIFE that Christy is lying. By you believing this garbage and denying yourself the honesty, love and companionship you deserve, you will be destined to lead a life of depression, misery and regret.

    So please listen to me, I know all of what your going through, it’s totally unfair, but the sooner you accept yourself the sooner you’ll find happiness.

    Believe me, you’re perfect just the way you are.

  • Devine Justice

    Coming from a similaackground I do pity you, instead of educating and accepting yourself as a perfectly normal human being as I did, you instead leaped off the cliff of ignorance, delusion and denial.

    You and I both know that you can’t change or control lust anor attractions, just because you don’t act on them doesn’t mean

    I apologise but I really have nothing nice to say.

    Although I do hope you come to terms with yourself and reality in the easiest way possible. I’m well aware on the affects of religious brainwashing can have on people like us.

    Yet, I cannot sit here and allow you to spew out your ignorance and delusions, poisoning the young delicate minds of these kids.

    Here are the facts.

    You cannot change or control your attractions.

    You cannot ‘pray the gay away’.

    You are not a mistake, broken or in the wrong.

    Finnaly there is no god, he does not exist to disapprove of the way ‘HE CREATED YOU!’

    I bet you MY LIFE that Christy is lying. By you believing this garbage and denying yourself the honesty, love and companionship you deserve, you will be destined to lead a life of depression, misery and regret.

    So please listen to me, I know all of what your going through, it’s totally unfair, but the sooner you accept yourself the sooner you’ll find happiness.

    Believe me, you’re perfect just the way you are.

    • rn

      You don’t know what true love is until you come to the cross of Jesus Christ. Then you will find your maker and the one who died that you may have life. May the Lord bless you despite your ignorance!

    • Tee

      Then, please explain all the miracles He performed in my life and many others that I have personally witnessed.

  • Devine Justice

    You are a disgrace to the human race.

    • Tee

      May the Lord rebuke you.

  • Lee

    Ok, but how about it’s ok NOT to fight who you are? I feel so sorry for people trapped on an iron cage of dogma that insists their very nature is wrong or “sinful”.

    Do you fight equally hard to never wear clothing of mixed fabrics? That’s a sin, too. Do you eat cheeseburgers? Sin.

    • Tee

      The Bible never said mixing fabrics is a sin, nor eating beef.

  • Nick

    I’m happy knowing you’ve condemned yourself to a life of misery, lies and delusions.

    Your suffering will not be rewarded.

    • Tee

      The Bible says she will be.

  • Annie


  • Annie

    It’s horribly sad that this woman felt the need to give up her sexuality, one of the most beautiful and incredible gifts we have on this earth. Everyone should be free to accept and embrace their sexuality, and share their love without stigma or shame. God gave us sexuality for a reason – let’s celebrate it and share it! :)

    • Tee


  • Joan d’arc

    What a wonderful way to explain the fight from self-awareness toward the throne of God! My heart aches that there would be such a ‘gray area’ of honest feeling and don’t know why our Creator permits such a thing, but your transition and set of choices well explains the decision factor is definitely the key. God bless you!!

  • Filipina

    Thank you for this article. It has been helpful to me.

  • Marcus Kal

    Christy. I am a guy who can relate to this story. My journey isn’t over but God’s grace is sufficient. Thanks for blessing me with your testimony. But I’d like to find out when you say your journey out of homosexuality was a series of decisions you made in life, do you mean God was transforming you inwardly to embrace your true heterosexual self? Or do you mean you actively took measures to prevent failing again? And did you fail initially? even after the realization of God’s love?

  • James

    This is just atrocious. I am sorry but it is not okay to fight. God created love for everyone. If there is love than there is nothing wrong with it. Being gay is not a choice it is something which comes from birth, believing anything but that just makes you a dillusional wishful thinker. I really could care less whether you have a personal experience or testimonial, hopefully one day you’ll realize that all you did was suppress your true self and the beauty that you could have shared. Instead you are spreading a false reality trying to convince everyone that homo-sexuality is sin(problem) that needs fixing. All this article really accomplishes is pushing our society back further in ignorance of the truth and teaching everyone to be intolerant of gay people as being un-natural as well making those who are gay to feel isolated and wrong. This isnt the christian witch-hunting days our species and society need to evolve. Many things the bible says we do not up-hold like eating fish, cleanliness, gluttony and trimming our beards. But you get to disregard those things and force others which you wish o condemn. One day when you’re looking God in the eye maybe he look at you and see someone who got it all wrong. I write this not out of hate but out of love and i do not wish any ill-fate for you i just disagree with your way of thinking entirely – Cheers

    • Tee

      If you have issues, go argue with God. We did not write the Bible. The Holy Spirit, who is eternally holy, wrote. What is the point of you letting out your unrepentant hatred on total strangers? Do we not have sin of our own? Did the writer here say she had a blast overcoming something? Did she not cry, mourn, struggle, equally if not many folds more than you who claim to be righteous? Who is condemning who?

      Stop with the deception!

  • theo

    Thanks… Helped alot. God bless you.

  • rn

    Christy, Your a warrior and your story touched me in very powerful ways! I felt the Holy Spirit all over me confirming that I too am on the right road! God bless you for taking a stand even when others want nothing but to put you down even though they don’t know you! True cowards! Thanks again!!

  • nobodyneedstoknow

    So, how’s breeding working out for you?

  • Tee

    Christy, this is wonderful. Your story speaks such truth about fighting sin in general, and grappling with our sin nature in general. For some, pornography is the bondage sin. For others, it’s homosexual lust. For others, it’s codependency. These are the bondage and slavery that the Bible so often mentions. Sin is truly in itself bonding and trap us into slavery. It is not a one time deal of breaking free. It’s a battle to the end until the chain breaks. Your story illustrates how we are truly called to be warriors of Christ, to keep fighting the battle of truth, trusting and obeying truth even when our flesh says otherwise. I can relate to your story even though my bondage is not homosexuality, but several others sins. But I have found, as you said, fighting steadfastly and pulling to Jesus closer and closer, I now see these chains coming off. Amazingly, bad ideas start to go away and by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, I’m gaining the sweet peace of Christ.
    I’ve fallen in love with Christ and with Him I’m not just resilient against lusts, but along with other sins.

    As I fight my “old person” by choosing to seek Jesus, all the other sins also start to come loose as well. I can see my sin nature breaking down. By abiding in Jesus, you simply become armed with grace, peace and endless love. I’ve found that when you are in Christ, you are new and unattracted to sin in general. I also notice I loose all appetite for even entertainment and worldly things. So, I believe we are both talking about sanctification here. What your post reminds me of is that the topic of whether homosexuality is nature or choice or does not matter. Whether we are homosexual or heterosexual, we still need to repent and fight our way through life by following Jesus. We are all fallen, why pick out one thing and say we must or must not fight it? We are sinful by nature and feelings are deceptive. So whoever you are, you should neither define yourself by a tendency justifying it nor should you see one tendency as the worst of sins. Because it is the whole that is broken. Jesus did not come to heal one or two big sins, but the whole person. Homosexuality is sin, but so is greed and lust and jealousy and pride and lying and even coveting anything or calling people names even or even thinking bad things. All these will land us in hell if we don’t repent and allow Christ to come work within us.

    In fact, for me, though others say I’m a good person, I keep getting amazed by how much sin I keep committing without even realizing it. So why bother singling out one human tendency and define it? We are fallen completely. No, not the homosexual man, but also the church-goer. But not just the money laundering man, but also the homosexual man. No one can say: I reserve this part and proclaim this part righteous, but I will give him this other part. Let us all realize we are completely broken, lost and turn to Christ steadfastly to agree with Him in faith until He breaks the yoke of slavery for us!

    Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

    Thank you for sharing.

  • Tee

    First, I’d like to apologize for commenting so much. But I feel that the Lord has given me these words as encouragement. And I really hope that every believer who is struggling with homosexual desires and the frustration that comes with that can benefit from His Word here.

    You are LOVED by the FATHER! Don’t give up. Lay down your life and follow Him to the ends of the earth, making Him your center and He will do this: He will show Himself to those who loves Him. Look at Peter’s life. He dropped everything and followed Christ and it wasn’t until he began to be commissioned that he was transformed by the Holy Spirit.

    Dear brothers and sisters, however you are broken, you are NOT forsaken! But God is a special and wise God. You must forsake your self to surrender ALL. And He chooses to take us into the wilderness and test our hearts for a period of time, as He has done Christy here. And praise to the Father that she didn’t give up following Him to the end! I, too, have experienced God in such amazing ways. Let me tell you. He is the ONE for you! Don’t ever take your eyes off Him. He is the true Lover and we are His bride. He is coming soon to take us into His arms and our tears will be wiped away by His own hands. In this world we will have trouble, but take heart! He has overcome the world! Dear children, your Father loves you sooooo much!

    Here is HIS OWN WORDS regarding whether we should struggle with sin and whether experience lots of hardship is even right or normal:

    Hebrews 12:4-13

    “In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

    “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

    6because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”a

    Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

    12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13“Make level paths for your feet,”b so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”

    May God bless you!

  • chuckles

    These comments just continue the bluster of the world and do not further any wisdom. The author was just telling her struggle and was victorious and is condemned by people that deny her premise. She knew God and God knew her. If you don’t know God, you can’t possibly understand her wanting to please Him. Anyone can live out their lives of sin and end up separated from Him for eternity. She knew God loved her and wants the best for her. There are just as many people that are heterosexual and can’t seem to keep their pants up, even while married. There are thieves that see $5 on a coffee table and spend the next hour trying to figure how to get it in their pocket without someone seeing. We all have a sin nature of some type. The Bible tells us to “Take up our cross and follow Christ”. Your “cross” is whatever unsanctified sin that remains in your life and start running toward Christ. When you are “born again”, you are justified. As you live a Godly life, you become sanctified. When you die, if you have overcome to the end, you will be glorified. None of us is perfect, but we MUST STOP REBELLING against God. God’s grace is sufficient to get us by if we are truly seeking His Kingdom. To cling to your sin and shake you fist at Him is to reject said Grace. The Bible has 66 books and very few have no reference to homosexuality. There can be no misunderstanding that homosexuality is an abomination before God, just as murder and stealing is universally understood to be sin against God.
    The story Christy tells is her personal walk towards God and all He has for her inheritance. No one is forcing anyone to chose anything here, but if you love God, you will seek to please Him. People that choose to remain in the homosexual lifestyle do so with their eyes completely open to the fate they have chosen for themselves. To believe you can continue to sin and somehow God will overlook it is not sound thinking. If God has called you to follow Him, you must agree that He is Lord of your life. There is no court of appeals or argument with His judgement. If We can agree that God has delivered people from alcohol, drugs, and a laundry list of other sins, why is it impossible to believe God can deliver from this. If Jesus raised people from the grave, can He not take this from you? He cannot if you won’t let it go. Lay it at His feet and DON”T PICK IT UP. If it is “normal” then you will face Him in your own righteousness and be judged accordingly.
    Paul had a “thorn” in his side that he prayed that God would remove. We don’t know what that thorn was, whether physical or mental. God told him that His grace was sufficient. As long as Paul was doing God’s will, God took up the slack with the blood of Jesus to cover whatever Paul fell short in. If Paul had abandoned the will of God, That grace would no longer be offered. The message is “STOP REBELLING AGAINST GOD AND AGREE WITH HIM.” Don’t call evil, good, and good, evil. Choose blessing and reject the curse. God places life and death before you and then begs you to choose life.
    If Christy wasn’t able to overcome her temptations, then chastity is always an option. God gave His Son for us. What are we willing to do for God? If you can’t choose God first, then you have no part in Him. It’s all about choices. Alcoholics will tell you they NEVER lose the temptation for another drink, but they realize that sin is killing them and they MUST flee from it. Their commitment to God is what helps them to lay it down. No one that sees them wallowing in their own vomit in an alley believes it’s OK to drink that much. How is it the devil tells someone that homosexual “love” is just fine and God will somehow overlook it and even bless it?
    As far as the church, how is it we don’t make crude remarks about a wife beater, or a murderer, but somehow homosexuals are crushed and mocked? Rejecting people that come to us looking for answers put’s their blood on our hands. If a sinner comes to us for the Truth, and we give them a stone, what treasure do we believe we have stored up? Our job, as Christ’s hands and feet, is to lead these people into the light because as dead, blind, and deaf, they are stuck in the ditch and need the Samaritan to help them, not kick them and mock them. Jesus was mocked, stripped naked, beaten, and then crucified. Can we not expect the same from people of the world? He overcame to the end and so should we. The world has stood up on it’s hind legs against Christ, and we now are told abortion is not murder, and sodomy is normal, to the point that apostasy has entered the church. Accepting Satan’s lies is not “loving” you neighbor. As keepers of the Truth of God, we must say and do what will lead to salvation, if you want to “love” your neighbor. When Jesus forgave the adulterous woman, He also told her to go and sin no more. He didn’t tell her she could keep committing sin and she would be continually forgiven. Sin is still sin.

  • BrynnaO

    Just wanted to get a read on the group’s opinion on the following statement, which was the basis of a I conversation I was having just a few days ago:

    “People who engage in homosexual acts cannot call themselves a Christian, because homosexuality is a special kind of sin, not like lying or envy or not ‘honoring thy father and mother.’ If they don’t renounce homosexuality and commit themselves to only having heterosexual relationships, then they will go to hell.”

    How do you all feel about: the existence of churches that are open to LGBT members? The fact that Jesus never mentioned homosexuality? The fact that most of the anti-homosexuality passages in the Bible are in the Old Testament, nested beside passages that say things like “Any person who curseth his mother or father, must be killed.” (Leviticus 20:9); “If a man cheats on his wife, or vise versa, both the man and the woman must die.” (Leviticus 20:10).