I’m tired. My body is tired. My mind. My heart.
For the last month I’ve visited hospitals, doctors, and endured more tests than I care to talk about. The result? Still no answers.
To be honest, I’m having my moments. I’m swinging on the teeter totter of trust and lack thereof. There are days I don’t want to smile at one more person. Other days I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get out of this bed and see another human being. There are times I just really don’t feel like being positive about the outcome of things. I guess that means I really am human.
God has been reminding me that in these times I am still telling a story. Actually, I’m not only telling my story, I’m telling His. My reaction to the nurse who can’t seem to get the IV going after the third try tells a story. I can smile, close my eyes and trust that she’s doing the best she can or I can stare her down with contempt. I can hold my peace on the phone as I discuss my medical bills or I can throw a fit and spew entitled comments on the other end of the line.
There are days my faith is stronger than others.
There are days I hold onto my Bible while I drift off to sleep because I’m just not sure where in God’s Word I need to be. I find myself simply clinging to the leg of Jesus because that’s all the strength I can muster up.
This part of my story sucks, I’ll admit. It wasn’t in my plan. It’s interfering with life. I don’t understand. Of course I want answers and I want them in my time. However, it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. But the part of this story that I do love is the story of God’s grace. His mercy. His patience with me.
I wake up in the mornings and say, “Okay God, this is your day. I want to live for you.
Though I don’t understand, I’m trusting you.” Then the day starts. The pain hits. I’m reminded of the lack of energy I have as a simple walk to the couch seems to wear me out. Then I complain. I get frustrated. I impatiently snap at those around me trying to help.
The day ends something like this:
“God, forgive me for my lack of trust today. I’m sorry for being impatient. I’m sorry for trying to take control, again. Tomorrow will be better. Forgive me for trying to do things without you.”
He does. Again.
I ask Him to comfort me as I drift off to sleep, awaiting tomorrow.
He does. Again. I surrender to Him. Again.
I can’t imagine going through this trial in my life without God. Who would I cry to when I’m desperate? Who would I yell at when I’m angry? Who would I beg to hold me in the times I can do or say nothing? What would I do without his gentle whisper leading me to Philippians 4:6-7?
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (NLT)
I don’t know what my story holds tomorrow.
Of course I wonder. I question. I surrender my tomorrow to God, then I take it back. But one thing I do know for sure about tomorrow, God’s grace and mercy will be there just as it was yesterday and today and will be forever.
Question: What part of your story sucks and what are you doing to redeem it?