Prodigal Magazine

I Am a Bad Girl

Written by prodigal Blog 18 Comments

I don’t know what others see when they look at me. I know what others think isn’t supposed to matter. I’m supposed to be secure, wrapped firmly in my salvation, and I’m supposed to rely only on Christ to remind me who I am. The truth is, I know I don’t deserve it.

I am a bad girl.

I have rarely been plagued by doing the right thing.

I push the envelope and break the rules. I don’t sit and wonder if anyone is disappointed in me. I haven’t ever strived to be quietly invisible. I am the raucous one. I am the loud girl, filled with uncouth laughter, overt flirtations and coarse jokes. I never wanted to fit into a mold or be defined.

I am a bad girl.

I wear clothes too tight, blouses too revealing, makeup too bold, heels too high.

I strive to be seen and I long to be desired. I am fierce in my determination to get noticed, and I am anything but humble. I am the girl who no one takes home to meet their parents. I am your daughter’s worst influence and your son’s naughty dalliance.

I am a bad girl.

I surround myself with good girls to try to quell the bad girl in me, but I am sure you see her. You know that I am no good. You know that I should be shunned. I am the woman at the well in the sweltering mid-day heat because I am not acceptable company even for the most basic chores. I am hateful and full of venom for anything good.

I am a bad girl.

So long have I lived with that bad girl within me it is hard to believe that God loves me, the bad girl. It is shocking to my bad-girl heart to even care enough to want His love, but I do. The tapes that play in my head and wound my heart have been earned. I don’t deserve His forgiveness, I don’t deserve joy or peace or comfort. I cannot be allowed His mercy, His grace or His forgiveness because I am a bad girl.

When I first came to Christ, really laid out my life to Him, I desperately craved forgiveness. I was parched from spending years and years in a desert of loneliness, destruction, lust, and self-loathing.

I had traveled miles in those high heels seeking someone to love me,

finding only heartache and lustful passion. I was a destroyer, a home-wrecker, a wretch, and a harlot. I was covered — no, crusted in my sins and filth, and I was bent on demolishing the only relationship that could save me.

Bent and broken, ashamed and wretched, I knew I couldn’t possibly be forgiven. I knew I was unworthy. I am, after all, a very bad girl.

Christ reached down into my heart anyway.

He excised with surgical precision my desire for man-centered love, and He delivered into my soul the understanding that while I was still the bad girl, He loved me with every fiber of His being. He planted a seed of hope. His love transformed me and made me new.

That bad girl has been transformed now for close to twenty years. I am a wife, a mother, a writer, and a Christian. The bad girl no longer rules this roost, although she is never far away. I don’t wrestle with her, though. I have realized that she will never be gone; she is a part of me and who I was once. I have little desire to forget her because she reminds me.  She reminds me that I may look like a good girl now, but once I needed Christ desperately and He heard my cries. She reminds me that there are other bad girls out there who need Him as urgently as I do.

I am a bad girl and God loves me in spite of it.

My name is Stacey Brown, and I Am A Prodigal.

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Stacey Brown is a Colorado native, which in itself would be impressive. She grew up in Colorado Springs and has since married a man who moved her to a rural Eastern Colorado horse ranch. She is an author (A Bag Lady In The Throne Room of God: Unburdening Your Soul From a Rural American Perspective) and a blogger (www.inmywritermind.blogspot.com) who enjoys encouraging others from her unique perspective as a “City Girl” turned rural.

[photo: ashley.santiago, Creative Commons]

About The Author

Prodigal Magazine loves helping people live and tell good stories. When we bring our stories together we see the role we play in our faith, generation and community. To submit your story to Prodigal Magazine for consideration click here.

  • http://www.tonyjalicea.com Tony J. Alicea

    Wow, this was great! Thank you for sharing your story, Stacey.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      I am overwhelmed with appreciation for a venue like Prodigal to reach real people with real stories.

  • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

    Such a great word, Stacey. Thanks for sharing today!

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you, Christy. I feel very blessed…

  • http://twitter.com/MelodyAWriter Melody Michelle

    This is beautiful.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thanks… ;)

  • http://KatieAxelson.com/ Katie Axelson

    From a “good girl” who will never be good enough, well done.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you. This has been an encouraging experience!

  • http://www.facebook.com/christian.gottlieb.7 Christian Gottlieb

    This is very beautiful. May I be bold enough to share my story in loving a woman who has not yet come to a place of peace.
    http://theblessingsofachallengingmarriage.blogspot.ca/?spref=fb

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Wow…. Thanks for sharing your blog. I’m at a loss for words to express how impressed I am…

  • harley’s girl

    Stacy this is SO well written, it’s beautiful – like you! We can all identify with it… I know I can, I’m
    a bad girl too, and not deserving Christ’s forgiveness but so desperately wanting
    it, needing it. I surrender. Only our
    Lord can truly bring us peace and fulfillment in this world of many
    distractions.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you… God is so very good!

  • www.thejourneyismydream.com

    loved this. beautifully written! :)

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you so much. I love your blog! Refreshing take on dealing with depression. Thanks for your comment! ;)

  • Anonymous

    Stacey,

    I may have known that bad girl, but only see a beautiful inspirational Christian writer that you have become. May God grant you all your hopes and dreams!

    • http://Www.inmywritermind.blogspot.com Stacey Brown

      Thanks Anon…. everyone has a good story to share! God’s plan is perfect.!

  • http://jasonandkelliwoodford.blogspot.com/ kelli woodford

    Ah, you’ve told my story in this piece.
    Thank you for communicating grace and the scandal of Divine Love.
    I love how seeing yourself has changed you to be able to see the neediness of others.
    Well done, Stacy.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you Kelli! God is amazing in his grace….