I Am a Bad Girl

I don’t know what others see when they look at me. I know what others think isn’t supposed to matter. I’m supposed to be secure, wrapped firmly in my salvation, and I’m supposed to rely only on Christ to remind me who I am. The truth is, I know I don’t deserve it.

I am a bad girl.

I have rarely been plagued by doing the right thing.

I push the envelope and break the rules. I don’t sit and wonder if anyone is disappointed in me. I haven’t ever strived to be quietly invisible. I am the raucous one. I am the loud girl, filled with uncouth laughter, overt flirtations and coarse jokes. I never wanted to fit into a mold or be defined.

I am a bad girl.

I wear clothes too tight, blouses too revealing, makeup too bold, heels too high.

I strive to be seen and I long to be desired. I am fierce in my determination to get noticed, and I am anything but humble. I am the girl who no one takes home to meet their parents. I am your daughter’s worst influence and your son’s naughty dalliance.

I am a bad girl.

I surround myself with good girls to try to quell the bad girl in me, but I am sure you see her. You know that I am no good. You know that I should be shunned. I am the woman at the well in the sweltering mid-day heat because I am not acceptable company even for the most basic chores. I am hateful and full of venom for anything good.

I am a bad girl.

So long have I lived with that bad girl within me it is hard to believe that God loves me, the bad girl. It is shocking to my bad-girl heart to even care enough to want His love, but I do. The tapes that play in my head and wound my heart have been earned. I don’t deserve His forgiveness, I don’t deserve joy or peace or comfort. I cannot be allowed His mercy, His grace or His forgiveness because I am a bad girl.

When I first came to Christ, really laid out my life to Him, I desperately craved forgiveness. I was parched from spending years and years in a desert of loneliness, destruction, lust, and self-loathing.

I had traveled miles in those high heels seeking someone to love me,

finding only heartache and lustful passion. I was a destroyer, a home-wrecker, a wretch, and a harlot. I was covered — no, crusted in my sins and filth, and I was bent on demolishing the only relationship that could save me.

Bent and broken, ashamed and wretched, I knew I couldn’t possibly be forgiven. I knew I was unworthy. I am, after all, a very bad girl.

Christ reached down into my heart anyway.

He excised with surgical precision my desire for man-centered love, and He delivered into my soul the understanding that while I was still the bad girl, He loved me with every fiber of His being. He planted a seed of hope. His love transformed me and made me new.

That bad girl has been transformed now for close to twenty years. I am a wife, a mother, a writer, and a Christian. The bad girl no longer rules this roost, although she is never far away. I don’t wrestle with her, though. I have realized that she will never be gone; she is a part of me and who I was once. I have little desire to forget her because she reminds me.  She reminds me that I may look like a good girl now, but once I needed Christ desperately and He heard my cries. She reminds me that there are other bad girls out there who need Him as urgently as I do.

I am a bad girl and God loves me in spite of it.

My name is Stacey Brown, and I Am A Prodigal.

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Stacey Brown is a Colorado native, which in itself would be impressive. She grew up in Colorado Springs and has since married a man who moved her to a rural Eastern Colorado horse ranch. She is an author (A Bag Lady In The Throne Room of God: Unburdening Your Soul From a Rural American Perspective) and a blogger (www.inmywritermind.blogspot.com) who enjoys encouraging others from her unique perspective as a “City Girl” turned rural.

[photo: ashley.santiago, Creative Commons]

  • http://www.tonyjalicea.com Tony J. Alicea

    Wow, this was great! Thank you for sharing your story, Stacey.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      I am overwhelmed with appreciation for a venue like Prodigal to reach real people with real stories.

  • http://christymcferren.com/ Christy McFerren

    Such a great word, Stacey. Thanks for sharing today!

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you, Christy. I feel very blessed…

  • http://twitter.com/MelodyAWriter Melody Michelle

    This is beautiful.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thanks… ;)

  • http://KatieAxelson.com/ Katie Axelson

    From a “good girl” who will never be good enough, well done.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you. This has been an encouraging experience!

  • http://www.facebook.com/christian.gottlieb.7 Christian Gottlieb

    This is very beautiful. May I be bold enough to share my story in loving a woman who has not yet come to a place of peace.
    http://theblessingsofachallengingmarriage.blogspot.ca/?spref=fb

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Wow…. Thanks for sharing your blog. I’m at a loss for words to express how impressed I am…

  • harley’s girl

    Stacy this is SO well written, it’s beautiful – like you! We can all identify with it… I know I can, I’m
    a bad girl too, and not deserving Christ’s forgiveness but so desperately wanting
    it, needing it. I surrender. Only our
    Lord can truly bring us peace and fulfillment in this world of many
    distractions.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you… God is so very good!

  • www.thejourneyismydream.com

    loved this. beautifully written! :)

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you so much. I love your blog! Refreshing take on dealing with depression. Thanks for your comment! ;)

  • Anonymous

    Stacey,

    I may have known that bad girl, but only see a beautiful inspirational Christian writer that you have become. May God grant you all your hopes and dreams!

    • http://Www.inmywritermind.blogspot.com Stacey Brown

      Thanks Anon…. everyone has a good story to share! God’s plan is perfect.!

  • http://jasonandkelliwoodford.blogspot.com/ kelli woodford

    Ah, you’ve told my story in this piece.
    Thank you for communicating grace and the scandal of Divine Love.
    I love how seeing yourself has changed you to be able to see the neediness of others.
    Well done, Stacy.

    • http://twitter.com/Shereiner Stacey Brown

      Thank you Kelli! God is amazing in his grace….