Google, Vacuum Cleaners and Other Graceful Ways to Discipline a Teenager

Written by Sammy Adebiyi Featured Content, Relationships 40 Comments

Riddle me this…

A 31 year old black African. A 27 year old white babe from Ohio. A 15 year old Haitian and a super white 4 month old African American (literally) baby.

I swear I thought the vein on the TSA officer’s forehead was going to explode trying to figure out exactly how my family was “connected”. Finally he looked at me and said… “Sure, go ahead.”

Thanks officer (and all the other folk trying to figure us out as we fumbled our way through the airport), I know it’s confusing but it’s really not that complicated.

Here’s the skinny.

I grew up in Africa. I married an American way out of my league. We adopted a teenage girl from Haiti and 6 months ago, my wife’s white genes pulled an upset and beat up my African genes (hence the super white baby).

Needless to say, it’s been a crazy fun adventure for my wife and I, especially the part about trying to raise a 15 year old two years into your marriage.

My wife and I absolutely adore our first daughter and she’s the greatest miracle we’ve ever experienced but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a challenge.

I’ll never forget standing in my back yard a few months after the adoption, giving my wife the… “I don’t remember talking about this in counseling” look.

“Do you think we should google what to do?”

What? you’ve never googled parenting advice before? yea, me neither. It was the stand still of ages I tell you.

I had asked our teenage daughter Bebe to do her chores and she looked me straight in the eye and vehemently said NO!

“No? No? Well, um, yea, I’ll be back in a few minutes and when I do, you better be ready for what is to come Missy. You better be ready.”

Translation?

I have no idea what to do so I’ll go in the back yard and pretend I’m mowing while mom and I try to think of something real quick so you don’t know we’re making this up.

Oh boy, what a dilemma. How do you discipline a teenager who is defiant?

I had NO idea what to do, so I threw a hail mary. I took a risk. I did something radical. I looked at my wife and said…

“You know she’s expecting a fight, so why don’t we give her the opposite (grace)?”

Last time my wife looked at me like that I suggested getting our second Saint Bernard puppy (I know, I know, we’re crazy).

Are you crazy? She just disrespected you with no remorse and you want to show her grace?

“Yea babe, I do. And if you’re wondering, I don’t think it’s going to work and yes it sounds just as stupid saying it as it did in my head BUT It’s either that or we ask google again for some advice.”

So, there it was. I made my case, we braced for the worst and decided to fight with love.

We walked in and with a forced smile, I said to our tight fisted teenage daughter who was obviously prepared for a fight…

“Hey Bebe, it’s ok. I’ll do your chores for you. All of it. Go ahead and play”

If confused and shocked had a baby, it would be the look on her face.

She had no idea what was happening. Join the club Bebe. Mom and I don’t either. The only difference between us is I’m doing your chores and you’re playing in your room.

Great plan dad. This is the last time we ever listen to you.

I honestly thought this was the worst parenting move ever, until it happened.

It took about 5 minutes but it happened. It really did.

Our defiant daughter came storming down the stairs in tears. She was sobbing, shaking and fighting hard to catch her breath. I immediately dropped the vacuum and hugged her.

“What’s wrong Bebe? Did you get hurt? What happened? “

“Nothing dad. Nothing. I just want to do my chores. Please let me do my chores. I’m so sorry. Dad, I’m so so sorry for being disobedient. Dad, please, please let me do my chores. I just want to do my chores.”

Isn’t that something?

My teenage daughter who was ready to go 12 rounds 15 minutes ago was now sobbing in my arms begging to do her chores.

True story.

Unbelievable story.

Also a great reminder of how and why the gospel is so powerful. Here’s how Paul put it in Romans.

“It is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance.”

Sure Jesus could have shown up with a baseball bat and knocked us into H.E.double hockey sticks. But he didn’t. He didn’t come to condemn us. He came to love. He came to save. He fought back with grace.

He looked at us and said…

“Don’t worry, it’s ok. I’ll pay for your sins. All of it. It’s done”

You know what happens when we get that? Like when we actually get the weight of the kindness and grace of God?

We run to him. We run towards holiness. We weep. We cry. We come home.

Because grace changes everything.

Be honest, what’s easier for you to believe, an angry God waiting to take you out or one that fights with grace?

About The Author

Sammy Adebiyi

Young Adult Pastor, Crazy Nigerian, Husband, Father and Blogger hoping to play a small role in the grand story of God. You can check out more from Sammy by visiting his blog or following him on Twitter @SammyAdebiyi.

http://www.zenichka.com/ Zee Kleshchar

That’s an awesome story, Sammy. WOW.

When I will be a parent, this is something I need to remember. Thank you so much for sharing it!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  You’re welcome Zee. Thanks for reading! It’s hard but grace totally changes everything.
http://www.toodarnhappy.com/ Kim Hall

Those moments of grace and forgiveness in parenting ultimately outweigh and over-shadow the reaaly rough parts of the road. Blessings to you on your exciting parenting journey!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Right on Kim. Right on. Thanks for reading.
http://www.tonyjalicea.com Tony J. Alicea

Love this story, man. I think it’s so much easier to think of God as an angry policeman in the sky because we’re such a performance oriented culture. All our earthly relationships tell us that we are as valuable as what we accomplish. So to then take our experience and try to relate to a gracious God can be SO difficult. The beautiful thing is half of that grace is for our sin and the other half is to give us the ability to accept his mercy.
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Tony, bro, I had to read that last sentence twice. Great, great word bro! Wow.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1581946757 Sarah Hazlewood

Thank you Samuel- you have no idea how much I needed this today…
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  You’re so welcome Sarah. Praying for you right now.
http://www.nosuperheroes.com Chris Lautsbaugh

Fantastic Post Sammy. I’ve tried some of these techniques with my kids, but you one upped me in the teenage department. Grace trains…..
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Haha. You’ll get your chance when the teenage years come Chris. Thanks bud.
http://twitter.com/mpwatsonMS Patrick Watson

Love it!! Praise the Lord
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Amen. Praise the Lord indeed.
Julia B.

That is crazy. But amazing.
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Julia, to be honest, I’m a big consequence parent too and this was really a stretch. More like a hail mary that happened to work. Ha ha. But yea, I’m as challenged as you are to be more graceful in parenting.
http://InkyJazz.com/ Bridget

Sammy, Great story. Parenting is a delicate blend of justice and grace, but only grace changes the heart.
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Very well said Bridget. Thanks!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=712951571 Cheryl Pace Braswell

Sammy, Thanks so much for the encouragement! We adopted a sibling group of 4 in 2011, and have never looked back. They are 15, 11, 9, and 6. We struggle often with obedience and respect issues, but it is so good to remember that we are not alone, and that God’s great will accomplish much more than ours! God bless you as your family grows in love!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Oh Cheryl, you’re so not alone. And to be honest, this story is a highlight reel. We’ve had lots of challenges days especially with respect. It’s tough but we’re learning everyday to trust God to finish what he started. You’re so not alone and God bless you for what you do. Praying for your family right now.
  
  Where you kids from foster care?
Lucy Mendoza

Man! That’s intense. It IS a lot easier to expect a God ready to beat us with a bat (a metaphorical bat, hopefully) than a God who just loves on us. His love is so overwhelming! And only His love can bring about repentance and a brand new attitude. Praise God for His unending Love!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  I know Lucy. I’m so with you. It’s hard but like you said praise him so much for his love. Just amazing.
chelsea long

I LOVE THIS. so so so powerful. thanks for sharing, sammy.
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  You’re welcome Chelsea. Thanks for reading and commenting. Hope you’re doing well.
Kelli

Grace, grace, grace, grace, grace and more grace! I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I know how true this is. The Holy Spirit has encouraged me to do exactly the same with my children over and over and over. They are now 19, 20, and 24 and they’re some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met…because of God’s grace! Thank you so much for sharing this story!!!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Amen. Thanks Kelli. As a young parent, that’s so refreshing to hear. His grace truly is amazing.
pastordt

Gorgeous story-telling of powerful truth. Thank you.
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  You’re welcome Pastor. Thanks for reading.
Mary Elizabeth Land

Sometimes it kinda seems easier to imagine God being mad at us all the time, instead of constantly extending grace to us. I know that God does get angry, but His love & grace are always the same toward us. Knowing that really does cut right through your defenses & brings you humbly to your knees. Thank you for sharing!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  I know Mary. An angry God is a much easier image for me to embrace but I’m slowly learning about grace and love and how it changes everything. Thanks for reading Mary.
http://www.facebook.com/maryannethomson Maryanne Thomson

Grace changes everything!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Sure does my friend . Good to see you on here.
Grandma Ginnie

Sammy, this is amazing. I loved this so much. I am going to pass it on to my sister and her husband, who are also raising a very confused 13 year old that they adopted. (thank you Jesus for leading me to this article and for providing Sammy with these words and wisdom) Keep it coming, brother……
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  You’re so welcome Grandma Ginnie. Adoption is SO hard. Hope it encourages them some. Thanks for reading.
tia

Sure Jesus could have shown up with a baseball bat and knocked us into H.E.double hockey sticks. But he didn’t. He didn’t come to condemn us. He came to love. He came to save. He fought back with grace.
He looked at us and said…
“Don’t worry, it’s ok. I’ll pay for your sins. All of it. It’s done”
You know what happens when we get that? Like when we actually get the weight of the kindness and grace of God?
We run to him. We run towards holiness. We weep. We cry. We come home.
Because grace changes everything.
Be honest, what’s easier for you to believe, an angry God waiting to take you out or one that fights with grace?

I can almost cry reading this. It is so true. All we need is love.
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Amen Tia. Amen. Thanks for reading and diving in. Appreciate it tons.
Jen Gunning

until recently, I could only imagine the baseball bat Jesus (figuring He had paid a huge price to save me so basically he now owned me and could do whatever tickled his fancy in this lifespan I was treading.). I came across (truthfully, was brought across) the full grace message when I first saw Pastor J. Prince teaching about the prodigal son and in an instant, the years of me trying desperately to be good enough to earn favor and acceptance were washed away…literally in an instant. It’s been fresh air in wide open lungs since then…no more stifling, gasping breathing through the straw of the law. Grace upon grace and I’ll never get to the bottom of it no matter how much I ask for…what a joy it is to live now!
- http://www.SammyA.com Sammy Adebiyi
  
  Amazing Jen. Amazing. Thanks for sharing your story. Wow. Go Jesus…
Pingback: Weekend Wanderings: Sept. 28 - www.nosuperheroes.com
http://twitter.com/JonathanMontan Jonathan Montan

By the grace of God go I…..amen
http://www.cross-platform.org John Hanan

That’s an awesome story, and such a great reminder of the power of grace. It’s much easier to think of God as the kid with the magnify glass, ready to fry us little ants if we step out of line. I’ll have to remember that instead, he chooses to fight with grace. Thanks for sharing.
http://twitter.com/BrandenHarvey Branden Harvey

This story makes me so happy. Such a great representation of how we are created to respond to grace.

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