Now at this point all the girls reading this are saying, “Wow, where do I find such a prince?”  and all the guys are wondering, “What the heck is this dude doing?  Do you know how many chicken wings he could have eaten with that cash!”  Most people are probably in one of those two groups.  But there is also a third group.  This is the Don’t-Spend-God’s-Resources-on-Clothes group.  Be honest, because I know you’re out there.  And what is ringing in your heads are the words of the Apostle Paul to his young apprentice Timothy. 

“…women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.“ 

The Feminine Quest for Beauty

Author John Eldredge argues that every little girl is seeking an answer to the same question, “Am I lovely?”  I believe he is right.  I believe he is right because I hear my four year old daughter asking me this question all day long. 

While I’m reading a book she runs up and interrupts me just to show me the princess dress she is proudly wearing.  Before we leave for church she makes it a point to show me the pigtails her mommy put in her hair.  Without words she asks me if she is lovely when she snuggles up to me for a movie.  She asks me when we paint her toe nails together and as she sits cross legged on the floor in her room changing  Barbie’s outfit repeatedly and each time inquiring, “Isn’t her outfit beautiful daddy?”

So, if every girl wants to feel loved and accepted, celebrated and cherished, is Paul condemning this seemingly instinctual feminine quest for beauty?  I don’t think so.

Should Women Dress Up?

The feminine quest for beauty connects nicely with the hope in every man for, in the verbiage of Eldredge, “an adventure to go on and a beauty to rescue.”  There is something in the heart of a man that desires to have a special women that he can call his own.  It is hardwired into him, since the first time in the garden of Eden when Adam met Eve, and men for generations since have been looking for their very own “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh” moment.

For many men the way their wife looks is a major part of what keeps the husband engaged in the relationship after the adventure of rescuing her is over.  In his book His Needs, Her Needs Dr. William F.Harvey discusses this.  Dr. Harvey argues that many marriage relationships which erode and fall apart over time do so because husbands and wives fail to identify and meet the needs of their spouse.  Sadly, once the chase and the bliss of immature, cupid-esque love goes away, so does the effort of individuals to woo and impress their loved ones.  Throw in a child or two and it is easy for wives to begin trading in their high heels and make-up for baseball hats and sweat suits, while at the same time their husbands stop pursuing them and start pursuing fantasy football fame instead.

What then do we make of the instruction from Paul to Timothy when he wrote that women should dress “ot with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire.”  Was Paul advocating that women completely abstain from wearing nice clothes, doing their hair and wearing jewelry?  Man, I hope not.  I deeply enjoy seeing my wife wearing a pretty dress and heels, complimented by some eye shadow and fancy jewelry. 

The key, I believe, is the context.  The feminine quest for beauty is to find its completion in marriage.  Ultimately a women is wired to look lovely for her husband and to receive the love and security that she craves from him alone.  In turn, he is to continue lavishing all his affection upon her.

The primary concern that Paul is addressing is not whether a Christian woman should dress up, but rather, what does the dress up of a Christian woman communicate to others when she is out in public or in church.  Keeping in mind the surrounding context of the verse, we see that Paul was writing to Timothy on the issue of modesty because the failure of some women to do this in Timothy’s church was distracting others from worshiping Jesus.  In his book, Worldliness: Resisting the Seduction of a Fallen World, Pastor C.J. Mahaney writes,

When the women of the church arrived dressed like this, it’s no surprise that they distracted others from worshiping God. What’s more, through their ostentatious dress they associated themselves with the wealthy (thus separating themselves from the poor) and the ungodly (thus distancing themselves from their fellow church members). Their dress was distracting, and maybe even divisive.

That’s why Paul urges them to dress in “respectable apparel” and “not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire.” He wants the Savior, not seductive style, to be the focus of the church gathering—and indeed, the focus of all of life.

So the real issue wasn’t actually braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly attire. The issue was—and is—clothing that associates with worldly and not godly values: clothes that say “look at me” and “I’m with the world.”

Like almost everything else, the words of Scripture strike a nerve much deeper than the surface of our lives.  Paul’s words to Timothy are no different.  Mahaney sufficiently summarizes the above point by writing that the real issue in this passage is “the heart and not the hemline.”  The real issue is not whether women should wear jewelry, instead it is an issue of why she is wearing that jewelry and how will it affect those around her. 

But how does a godly woman who is seeking to live in a righteous way know what is and what isn’t acceptable?  Pastor John MacArthur offers some advice,

How does a woman discern the sometimes fine line between proper dress and dressing to be the center of attention? The answer starts in the intent of the heart. A woman should examine her motives and goals for the way she dresses. Is her intent to show the grace and beauty of womanhood?…. Is it to reveal a humble heart devoted to worshiping God? Or is it to call attention to herself, and flaunt her…beauty?  Or worse, to attempt to allure men sexually? A woman who focuses on worshiping God will consider carefully how she is dressed, because her heart will dictate her wardrobe and appearance. 

It is All About the Heart

In a recent sermon series on the OT book Song of Solomon Pastor Mark Driscoll, drawing on the Genesis account of the woman’s creation, repeatedly emphasized the idea that a man, or woman, is to make their spouse their standard of beauty.  Proverbs teaches that a wife is a gift from the Lord.  Therefore, the husband should be laser focused on enjoying  and delighting in his wife alone.  She is to be the apple of his eye and he is to love her with all his heart, as Christ loved the church. 

Then, in turn, the wife is to respond by loving and serving her husband, and doing all that she can to be physically and visually pleasing to him.  This is not a sexist mindset that objectifies women.  It is, rather, a liberating idea that sets women free from having to worry about what the world think of them, and instead, narrows their focus in having only to be concerned with the opinion of one person…her husband, the one who has promised to love her until death and who God has ordained for her to become one flesh with.

So men, take your wives shopping.  And women, pick out something he thinks you look sexy in.  And wear it proudly to please him.  But please, if it is from Victoria’s Secret, leave it at home on Sunday morning.  The rest of us guys, you know, all the ones not married to you, don’t need the distraction.

I’ll never forget the smell of that room, the strain and pain I felt some mornings after hard work-outs, and the mental effort it took to keep pushing the bar up day after day.  In the end I didn’t reach my goal of benching 225 lbs, (it wasn’t until later in the summer that I finally broke the barrier) but during those months I learned some invaluable lessons about working hard when you don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs.  Oh yeah, and I got a little more attention from the ladies that summer as well.

The Marriage Muscle Recently my wife and I were talking with a newly married couple about the challenge of developing and maintaining a strong marriage.  Six years into it, Stephanie and I have faced our share of ups and downs, and after sharing our marital story with our friends we all came to the conclusion that a marriage is a lot like a muscle.  If you want your marriage to grow and be strong you have to exercise it often.  If you don’t exercise your marriage muscle it will shrink, weaken, and eventually, with enough misuse or maltreatment, begin to breakdown.

So how do you exercise your marriage muscle?  Here’s 5 exercises you should incorporate into you marriage work-out.  Some of the exercises are easier than others, but if done consistently, all of them will help you sculpt and tone your marriage muscle into something that will remain healthy and strong for a long time.

#1 – Go on a date

Dating is the exercise that gets the marriage muscle growing in the first place, so it is befuddling that couples stop dating once they get married.  All the laughs and random time spent together morphs into routine TV watching and nights spent on the computer or out, separately, with old friends.  This is not a good idea.  It is similar to someone who is training for a marathon and then abruptly stops doing regular distance building runs 12 weeks before the race.  Dating is a simple exercise that keeps your marriage muscle in building mode and sets the foundation for more challenging exercises later.

#2 – Leave random notes, text messages and e-mails

Possibly the easiest way to exercise you marriage muscle is to tell your spouse you’re thinking of them during the day.  Technology is great for this.  Every so often fire off an email or a text message that says, “You’re beautiful” “Thinking of you today” or “Can’t wait to see you tonight.”  There are many ways to do this exercise.  Pack your spouses lunch and leave a not in the bag.  Write something in the snow on their windshield when you leave for work in the morning.  Write something sweet on a post-it note and stick it to the fridge or bathroom mirror.  Lay that special piece of clothing out on the bedroom floor with the words “Hurry home” next to it.  Whatever you do, it will mean a lot to your spouse to know that you took a moment out of your day to express how you feel.

#3 – Understand and appreciate your differences

This is not a new fact, but one worth repeating over and over again, “No two people are alike.”  Period.  And you wouldn’t want to be married to someone just like you anyway because, let’s be honest, you are one jacked up individual.  But even with that being said, thousands of marriage muscles shrivel and die because spouses attempt to create a clone of themselves in their covenant partner.  A better idea, a way to build the marriage muscle into something powerful, is to exercise it by understanding and appreciating the unique set of traits, talents, and trials each person brings to the relationship.  Then your marriage can flourish as you learn to capitalize on those differences for good.

#4 – Be physically intimate regularly

While this exercise is often more important to the marriage muscle of men than women, it shouldn’t be thought in only those terms.  Being physically intimate regularly is extremely important for developing a healthy marriage muscle.  Part of the design of marriage is that men and women would experience physical oneness with one another.  Physically exercising your bodies together is a profoundly critical activity for maximizing the well-being of the marital muscle as a whole.  When this exercise is neglected or not-valued by one spouse or the other, there will be inevitable damage done to marriage muscle.

#5 – Spend time talking with each other

If the previous exercise is often overlooked by one sex in the marriage, this exercise is likely overlooked by the other.  Just as exercising the marriage muscle involves physical exercise, it also involves an equal amount of emotional exercise.  Simply put, when the marriage muscle is not exercised by conversation and emotional intimacy, it will begin to breakdown.  Marriage muscles are stimulated to wellness through sharing and tenderness at an emotional level.  Prolonged introversion and a failure to share with one another is to the marriage muscle, what a 2 bags of Doritos and a case of beer is to your abs – not friendly!

From the Weight Room to the Living RoomThose lessons learned years ago in a small stinky high school weight room continue to serve me well.  The muscle I developed as a weight lifter has regressed some, but that doesn’t matter.  I don’t need it to get the attention of anymore girls.  I married the perfect one and I’m done worrying about how much I can bench.  Now I’m focused on working hard when I don’t feel like it, exercising often, and persevering in the face of challenges and set-backs, to build my marriage muscle for the next 60 years.  My pecs will be long gone by then, but with my bride at my side, it won’t matter.

Fuming, I walked away from the disaster which had just transpired.  Then, I gathered a couple colleagues and we all came to the determination that a follow-up conversation was necessary.  I wasn’t looking forward to it.  I hate the type of conversation I knew was necessary.  But, after chewing and brewing on my own feelings of disrespect and anger, I summoned the employee to my office, fully ready to unleash a tirade.  Needless to say, things didn’t go so well.

I’ve never been the type of person who enjoys relational conflict.  Yes, I was a hockey player.  Which I know should make me tough as nails, but on the ice I always had pads and a stick to protect myself if trouble arose.  Off the ice, in the office, there are no pads and sticks, only words and fists.  And I’ve spent most of my life doing all I can to avoid any type of stressful, emotion-filled encounter and the accusations, yelling, denials, anger, hostility, and potential violence relational conflicts often create.

However, in my current job as a manager, I have had to face my inner fears.  Not that I have become a big jerk who revels in running around the office red-faced and hollering at everyone, but I’ve come to learn the importance of holding people accountable to do their jobs and do what is right.  This means there are times when I must have tough conversations with individuals who are missing the mark in some way or another. 

By no means am I now a pro at this.  Undoing 27 years of avoidance doesn’t happen overnight.  Having corrective conversations with people is still a skill in my leadership repertoire that needs some development.  No matter how many times I do it, when I know I’m going to sit an employee down and deliver a hard message, the fear monster from my past arises within me and tries to dissuade me from taking action.  He works overtime, trying to persuade me to ignore the problem and avoid a confrontation. But following through on these situations is essential. It helps me develop the disciplinary edge that all great leaders have in some form and it holds employees accountable – all of which contributes to strong leadership and great results for the company.

I consider myself on a leadership journey.  If you are on a manager on leadership journey of your own, here are 5 tips for having those hard conversations with your employees.

 
1. Gather the facts and have a plan

Don’t have a hard conversation off the cuff.  What usually happens if you do, is that you get flustered, which can lead to you missing the point or saying things you don’t really mean.  Take a second beforehand to think through exactly what you want to say in your conversation.  Make a list of all the facts if need be.  It is also beneficial to try and predict any possible objections the other person might have so that you can have a response prepared ahead of time.

2. Make sure your emotions are in check

We’ve all experienced the need for this technique at one time or another.  When tempers are flaring things almost always get blown out of proportion and more harm is done than good.  It is best to take a brief ‘cool down’ period to let the emotions settle.  Then you can sort out what you want to focus on the most and communicate that effectively.

3. Engage the other person as quickly as possible

My tendency, when I knew a hard conversation was needed, was to put if off until another time or day.  I would make excuses why ‘now’ wasn’t the right time.  Unfortunately, this would lead to never having the conversation all together.  Now I make it a point to force myself to engage the other person in a timely manner.  When you have conversations in a quickly the issue is still fresh in the minds of all parties and it is much more difficult for excuses to be made as to why the inappropriate behavior or performance occurred.

4. Focus on a person’s positives and value first

One fatal flaw in the conversation I referenced at the beginning of this article is that I didn’t realize I was dealing with a person who was feeling under-appreciated and unvalued.  Since that day, I put in the effort to start out all my corrective conversations by praising the other person for the things they are doing well.  I try to communicate how much I value them.  After establishing the worth of the other person, I can express to them what needs to change in a way that is less likely to lead to defensiveness and anger.

5. Always be consistent with the enforcement of your expectations

When building a reputation as a manager you must be consistent in the enforcement of your expectations.  Corrective conversations are much easier when all parties know you are simply following through on what you demand of your people.  Being consistent takes away the excuse of the other person that you are picking on them or singling them out.  Avoiding any appearance of favoritism will go a long way in establishing your credibility as a leader.

Conclusion

Corrective conversations are never easy.  I still wrestle with that wimpy internal voice that tells me to just overlook an infraction and avoid a confrontation.  But strong leaders must hold their people accountable.  Having hard conversations, in the right way, builds a stronger workplace because people know that, on the one hand they valued, and on the other hand, they will be held accountable for their actions. 

I’ve since had to have another corrective conversation with the employee I mentioned earlier.  This time I gathered the facts and had a plan, kept my emotions in check, engaged him quickly, focused on his positives and value first, and reminded him of my consistent enforcement of the expectations.  Needless to say, things went very well!

Fall is here and we are coming to the end of the Garage Sale season.  My wife has been busy all summer and treats this time of year kind of like the postseason of NFL football.  Intrigued and wanting to know more about what compels people to sift and sort through other peoples’ stuff, I recently asked my wife, a compulsive bargain hunter herself, about the art of garage sale shopping.  Here’s what I discovered.

How often do you garage sale?  How many stops do you make per trip?

I try to get out to the garage sales at least once a week, sometimes 2 if I am lucky.  usually I’ll stop at 4-6 sales depending on the kids.

When is prime time garage sale season?

My goal is to get out in early spring.  This is just after people have done their spring cleaning so there is usually lots of clothes and items people don’t want around any longer.

How much money do you spend at the average sale?

I usually have around $20 to make it through my stops.  Most days I’ll end up with a few dollars left, unless there is a great deal that I can’t pass up (usually rare chance), then I will end up having to write a check.  I would say somewhere between $20-$40 is the average.

What is the greatest treasure you’ve ever found at a garage sale?

That is hard to narrow down.  I found a doll house with all the dolls and furniture for the house ($25)  for my daughter.  While I was pregnant I found a Baby Bjorn (retail $90) in great condition for $10.  I’ve found brand new, brand name kids’ shoes (retail $20-$30) for $1-$2.  Another treasure is all the Creative Memories stuff I’ve found.  Oh man, there are too many treasures!

What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen for sale at a garage sale?

Believe it or not, I once came across a pain of stained adult underwear.  I was shocked and disgusted.

What days do you find the best deals?

This depends on the area.  In my old city the best deals could be found on Thursdays.  Where I live now, it is Fridays.  But no matter which day you go, you will want to go in the AM before all the good stuff is picked over by other shoppers.

What role do signs play in whether or not you stop?

Signs are vital!  I don’t research sales online or in newspapers, so I rely completely on the signs that I see.  I think some people need a reality check however on what a HUGE SALE really means.  My advice, don’t believe ever sign you read.

Why do you think garage sales shopping can be so addicting?

It’s the thrill of the hunt!  Just as a deer hunter or fisherman will sit for hours with nothing, driving around aimlessly until I find the “catch”  makes all of the searching worth it.  Plus its a warm fuzzy to know you waited for something you once wanted and now got it for a fraction of the price.  I feel proud to be able to get my family some things they want because it’s so stinking cheap.

Is it OK to bargain at garage sales?

I try not to barter because things are usually priced well.  However, sometimes I don’t have enough money or I think it’s way over priced so I will offer something. Otherwise, I just pay what they ask.

Aren’t garage sales really just a transfer of junk from one home to another?

Maybe for some people, but I don’t usually buy junk.  Of course there is the cliche that ‘one person’s junk is another person’s treasure. ‘ I have high standards for the items I will buy.  No stains, no repairs needed, new or gently used, and name brand only.  It is amazing that I often times find items with the original price tags on them.

On your blog you write that buying at garage sales makes you green?  Why do you think this?

Isn’t being green about finding ways to reuse our resources?  I ‘m just reusing the toys, clothes, and decor other people don’t want anymore.  This saves energy and resources.  My husband might not agree but I think I’m pretty green.

 

There you have it.  All the tips and tricks you need to know to mater the art of garage sale shopping.  I’m taking off myself to try and find some drums and a new Optimus Prime toy for my son.  Good luck and happy Garage saling!