All This Drew Me In

I loved reading about your effort to salvage a friendship that had become something else. I was not reared to make friends, and in my adult life, I have struggled with that issue. I have reached a place where I do make friends — slowly. When I goof and breach the relationship because of ignorance or big mouth, I really don’t know what to do to fix things, but I pray to grow a little.
I felt kinship when you said that you take time to ask the Publix cashier about her day. I should do that. So far, I have worked up the courage to say “The peace of Christ be with you,” as any cashier is handing me my receipt. Some say nothing. Some look puzzled. Some say ‘Thank you.’ One lady cried and told me about a friend’s death. I knew I had met a fellow Christian when one lady replied, “And also with you.” I seem not to be able to build a lot of close personal friendships, but I am convinced that sharing Christ’s peace wherever I go is a way to be a friend to people who may or may not be better than I am at relationships.
Great post! Thank you for sharing this difficult experience.

First of all, that cake sounds awesome. Second, it’s so good to see you on Prodigal!

Third, I think friendships can be so challenging. Thank you so much for sharing about your experience here.

One thing I have bumped into is trouble with the inner circle you were talking about. It’s natural and good that each of us have only a small group of people with whom we share our deepest selves. Sometimes, though, one person sees a friendship as an inner circle, while the other sees it a middle or outer circle. That can cause a lot of tensions and mis-matched expectations. Some friendships cannot survive it. I think the key is when the person who is looking for inner circle does not take it personally that the other person is not, and adjusts.

I think how you handled this difficult friendship sounds so wise. We need to be strong and set boundaries when it is required, while at the same time, engaging in a process of self-examination.

I found your article very transparent and interesting. I suppose you could not tell us more of the story without divulging someone’s identity, but I am wishing you had! What kind of behavior would make you cut someone off completely. I understand she was negative, but an example would help me understand more fully. I’m snoopy.

Yes, very well said. The nostalgia that you describe at the beginning of the piece connects to your meditation on a lost friendship in a way that is familiar to me.
Several years ago now, I had a pretty messy “friend break-up” too. But now that it’s so far in the past, I find myself getting lost in nostalgia for the good parts of that old friendship–for the particular quality of laughter that I shared with this friend, that I haven’t quite been able to share with anyone else since.
I’ve found that people often don’t understand why breaking off a relationship that was “just a friendship” is so serious, but it can be very difficult and very wounding. You are “cultivating a sense of belonging” by sharing your story with those of us who have struggled in similar ways.

Lovely story-telling, Leigh. Sorry for the pain of breaking off a formerly close relationship – that is tough and most of us (me included) would probably just sort of drift away, allowing distance to grow, without confronting! Probably healthier (and maybe even easier?) in the long run to deal with things directly. And then ask those hard questions of ourselves: am I being the kind of friend I want to have?

And all this drew me in. Love the way this story gently wanders along and the way that bit that
the bit that packs the punch ‘about 6 months ago I ended a friendship’ is so melded
into the mellow narrative.

I chose to confront for the first time 4 years ago when the goalposts in a close friendship shifted (one of those where you anticipate sharing all your children’s weddings, but it is now not to be). It
was painful & messy, not to mention feeling an abject failure at the time as pastor’s wife who could not fix it.

I see here you have walked through the same and don’t dismiss it as something that can just happen to anyone. Thank you x

I love how the beautiful birthday imagery leads so naturally into reflection and a deeper part of your story. I love your heart, too, but you knew that already.