Prodigal Magazine

On The Rebound: Going Through a Tough Breakup With Your Church

Editor’s Note: This is a humor piece. We don’t do many humor pieces on Prodigal, but since John Crist is a comedian, we couldn’t help it. Please read this as humor. We hope it makes you laugh.

I was walking into church the other day and saw a girl pulling in to the expectant mothers’ parking spot. I looked at her and said, “Um, I gotta be honest ma’am, you don’t look that pregnant.”

She said, “I’m not. I’m not even married. I’m just believing in God for a husband and a family one day.”

Oh. This must be one of those “Name it and Claim it” churches. I’m out.

See, this is what happens when you get desperate and just start randomly Googling churches on Saturday night. Full disclosure: I was committed to a lovely church in Colorado Springs for six years until I moved to Denver and we just couldn’t do the distance anymore (it was mutual). Not gonna lie, I was on the rebound.

You know how Christian girls keep a list of non-negotiable qualities their future husband must have? I figured I’d come up with a similar list for my next church relationship. Here’s mine.

Worship Jesus.

Preach from the Bible.

No flag ladies.

To me, everything else is up for debate. But I was just coming out of a long-term relationship with a church that I loved, some irrational decisions were bound to be made. I was on the rebound for six weeks, here’s what happened.

WEEK #1

Walked into a church that was in the middle of a dating series. During the offering they played Beyonce’s Put a Ring On It. Not the song, the VIDEO! Yeah, I know!! I leaned over to my roommate and said, “Wait, should I be lusting right now? No? Ok. That’s what I thought.” I can’t attend a church like this. I did use the meet and greet time to chat with a few independent ladies though.

WEEK #2

Walked in and saw a flyer for a mission trip the church was taking to the Grand Cayman Islands over Spring Break. Theologically, I knew we probably wouldn’t agree on much so I decided not to go back to that church (I am going on the trip though!). #thanksgrandma

WEEK #3

I really liked this church but I glanced around during worship and saw my ex girlfriend’s best friend there. I cried during worship (reason for tears: still unknown). Maybe it was because the worship band played Hillsong’s With Everything (love that song), or maybe it was a result of memories of holding hands and eating gummy worms while walking though Universal Studios. Either way, it felt good. I enjoyed the rest of my morning there before driving home listening to Taylor Swift.

WEEK #4

No wifi. Didn’t stay long enough to form an opinion.

WEEK #5

During worship I saw a guy worshipping next to someone who appeared to be his wife. He had one hand raised to heaven and the other hand in her back pocket. Wait, what? Have you ever seen this move? Unbelievable. He was into it, as if to say, “I love Jesus, but I’m also working something out for later.” This made me uncomfortable.

WEEK #6

During communion, the pastor announced that there was a gluten-free option if anyone needed it. I figured I didn’t want to be a part of any church where communion could figuratively save your life before literally ending it.

I ended up finding a church.

And you know what? It’s not perfect (but they do have Jolly Ranchers at the welcome table).

My thoughts about church membership changed when I heard my old pastor say that ultimately, your church is like your family: you don’t get to chose which one you belong to. Great point. Your church may not be perfect either. It may be in a strip mall.  Your pastor may have a funny accent. Maybe they don’t play enough Hillsong. Either way, let God lead you, it’s not your choice. Or just come to @mill_citychurch, its awesome.

Also, about the girl from the expectant mothers parking spot? Maybe there is something to the prosperity gospel.

We’re dating.

What about you? What have been your experiences finding a church? (Funny or not).

[Photo: 2ose, Creative Commons]

About The Author

John Crist is an award-winning standup comedian from Denver, Colorado. He just got back from a comedy tour for the troops in Kuwait and is currently on tour across the country. For tour dates and standup videos visit www.johncristcomedy.com or find him on Twitter @johnbcrist.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Katherine-Harms/602268732 Katherine Harms

    You’re right. This is hilarious, as long as you accept it as comedy. Thanks. I needed that!

  • Wendy Wolf

    Great article!
    Sad commentary to have to state with such vehemence: this is COMEDY.
    Both of these are great mirrors for us, the Body of Christ.
    Blessings, Wendy

  • Danielle H.

    Love it! This made me laugh, because it sounds like so many of my own experiences, like the time I went to a sanctified (?) church and people were still catching the Holy Ghost after 45 minutes. I left. I have been looking for a church for some time, and it’s just so hard, especially when you’re alone and have no one to talk to about it.

  • Brady

    Good stuff, John. And I don’t have a funny accent. The rest of you do :)

    • John crist

      Ha!!!! Yes!! My car needs some 10w30 motor ooooool

  • http://www.facebook.com/anthonyjohnferrara Anthony Ferrara

    Dude Ben won’t warm up to T Swift; glad to see you are part of the fan club with me. Unless that was a joke. Excellent post regardless.

    • John Crist

      Ha! Come join the beyonce club too bro. Korky is in.

  • Lindsay

    I laughed out loud about the gluten-free communion wafers because we have those at my church. Great piece. Thanks for sharing your adventures in finding a church…and a girlfriend along the way. :)

  • http://www.gritandglory.com/ Alece Ronzino

    “No flag ladies.” Amen.